H made me sick deliberately

[exdefil]

I have been married for 20 years, 3 dcs. Lots of rows and red flags in that time; but I couldn't afford to leave, and what he did could usually be interpreted as (at a stretch) non-deliberate.

However, last week - he had been hassling me to help him choose a new second-hand car, as he'd recently bought a dodgy car that broke down immediately. I don't drive and we live walking distance to a station and both work from home, so not a huge priority for me but he was insisting we had to discuss it then. We'd already spent hours discussing it and failing to find anything suitable. I was v busy with work and stressed. He had been saying that week he felt a bit ill but he's had long Covid in the past and claimed it was that. He came and sat next to me in bed, but really weirdly - not affectionately, but getting right into my space, so it felt uncomfortable, and put his face right up to mine, so his cheek was up against mine. This wasn't affectionate - it felt quite aggressive, and I was edging away. Supposedly, this was so we could look at cars together on his phone. He was like this for several minutes, with me edging away, and him pressing his face to mine. He got cross when I asked him to move over as I felt squished and he was in my space.

So... 5 days later, and I have Covid symptoms - temperature, dizzy, sore throat, cough. (I am double-jabbed.) When I told him this, he said he felt exactly the same last week, still has some symptoms now. He hasn't done a PCR test - claims he did a lateral flow test last week and it was negative, but no idea if that was true, and anyway, they aren't intended for those who are symptomatic, and he doesn't ever do lateral flow tests properly, as he claims they make him gag.

So he seems to have deliberately infected me - this is an illness that can kill, with potentially long-term implications. WTF?!

I am waiting for a PCR test to see if what I have is Covid, but even if it's 'just' a nasty respiratory virus, the fact remains, he appears to have knowingly and deliberately infected me. I feel physically dreadful, and knowing that the man who vowed to love and protect me, instead went out of his way to try to make sure I got Covid, makes me feel horrified. If he would do this, how could I be safe as I got older and frailer, and with no-one else in the house?

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce.

Advice wanted please.

[SoupDragon]

I think it's irrelevant whether he deliberately infected you or not. You clearly dislike him and don't want to be with him. Which is worse for your DC3 - a horrible atmosphere or divorce?

(As an aside, the latest LFTs are nasal only)

[Shoxfordian]

I don’t think he deliberately infected you but it sounds like there are many issues so you should take some steps to leave him

[Viviennemary]

I agree with Soupdragon. Its time to leave regardless of whether or not he infected you with Covid.

[smoko]

Who asks someone who doesn’t drive to help them with car purchase selection?

If you feel suspicious to that level you shouldn’t be with that person. If you truly believe he has secret agendas then you need to get away from that person as you’re not safe, emotionally or physically it seems!

[exdefil]

No, it was...weird. it would have been normal for him to have given me a brief hug say, but for him to have his cheek against my cheek for minutes on end, when I kept trying to wriggle away, wasn't normal at all.

I regularly ask him how he is - he didn't tell me till this week, after I was I'll with Covis symptoms, that he had all the same symptoms. Because there's no way I would have let him be that close for an extended period of time otherwise.

Just to add, I work from home and literally hadn't left the house in the last week or more, so couldn't have caught whatever it is from more general exposure.

But you're right we should divorce anyway. A long catalogue of incidents but couldn't afford to leave until the last few months.

[exdefil]

Just a real shock to think that he could hate me enough to deliberately make me ill.

I feel physically awful.

[beautifulview]

I’ll be honest, you could have picked that up from Tesco. Have you been isolating all week? If not, then you’re being a bit unreasonable to be perfectly honest and this all seems very over dramatic. Ok, you don’t like him but this is like an episode of east Enders. You seem to need extraordinary proof to get up the guts to leave him? You can just leave him. You don’t need a smoking gun. The relationship is obviously toxic so time to put down the drama and file for divorce

[Worldgonecrazy]

Red flags, you can afford to leave, he wants you to help choose/pay for the car. I’m guessing he thinks you should be spending your money on him.

You don’t like each other and living in a toxic atmosphere will damage your DS exams just as much as leaving.

[ElvisPresleyHadABaby]

That's awful, surely this has to prompt you to finally leave? How old are the DC?

[exdefil]

@beautifulview - yes, sorry, I didn't put that in the OP. I work from home, work has been very full on and no, I hadn't left the house in the previous week. So not deliberately isolating but in practice yes.

It was his putting his face next to mine for an extended period that was weird. He's never done that before and there wasn't anything affectionate about it. It was him getting into my space. It felt really weird and unnecessary at the time. And then I got sick.

I hope I am being over-dramatic tbh, as the thought someone would do that deliberately is scary.

[idontlikealdi]

You don't need to stay flu till your son finishes his GCSEs that's just an excuse, next it will be starting a levels, finishing a levels, starting uni whatever. Believe me he will know already what the marriage is like.

You could have caught covid anywhere but there's more than enough reason to leave without that.

[exdefil]

Oldest 2 dcs are at uni, so not so affected. Youngest is 15 with GCSEs and suffers from anxiety at the best if times, so he's the one I"m worried about.

[TrufflesAndToast]

@beautifulview

I’ll be honest, you could have picked that up from Tesco. Have you been isolating all week? If not, then you’re being a bit unreasonable to be perfectly honest and this all seems very over dramatic. Ok, you don’t like him but this is like an episode of east Enders. You seem to need extraordinary proof to get up the guts to leave him? You can just leave him. You don’t need a smoking gun. The relationship is obviously toxic so time to put down the drama and file for divorce

Yes she could have, but is it not significantly more likely that she picked it up from her husband who had symptoms but didn’t tell her and engaged in weird physical behaviour to maximise the chances of transmitting anything

Even if she did get it in Tesco, the fact that he tried to make sure she got whatever he had, is horrific. I’m astounded that you’re so laid back about what is effectively a physical assault.

[EdgeOfTheSky]

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce

Is this the first ‘COVID murder’ plot?

[exdefil]

Just to add, I feel physically dreadful at the moment so sure this is not improving my mood or tolerance for what was at best H not taking more care to stay away if he thought he could be contagious.

If the situation was reversed, I would always and have always made sure to keep as far away as possible from family members if I have a contagious bug of any type. Certainly not put my face against theirs for an extended period!

[exdefil]

@EdgeOfTheSky

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option, but dc3 has GCSEs this summer, so a bad time for him for a shock divorce

Is this the first ‘COVID murder’ plot?

I am still alive!

[endofagain]

Before you do anything else put your inheritance into trust for your DC. Get legal advice as soon as you feel up to it. If you divorce, you don't want your H getting his hands on half your inheritance.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Your son's anxiety is probably caused by the situation you're in🙁

[SleepingBunnies21]

I recently inherited some money, so leaving is now finally an option

You're married so he could try to claim that as part if your joint assets if you divorce.

You need to keep it in separate account, and you need need see a solicitor etc about how you can ring fence it so he doesn't go after half of it.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

He came and sat next to me in bed, but really weirdly - not affectionately, but getting right into my space, so it felt uncomfortable, and put his face right up to mine, so his cheek was up against mine. This wasn't affectionate - it felt quite aggressive, and I was edging away.

Saying "he deliberately gave me Covid" sounds paranoid as fuck, but his behaviour sounds very concerning.

Di you feel safe in the home with him?

[SleepingBunnies21]

Could you possibly even give it to a very trusted relative until after the divorce?

[SleepingBunnies21]

@endofagain

Before you do anything else put your inheritance into trust for your DC. Get legal advice as soon as you feel up to it. If you divorce, you don't want your H getting his hands on half your inheritance.

This is an idea - but not sure how easily you could get at it for eg property purchase if its in a trust for a non adult.

[SleepingBunnies21]

You don't need to stay flu till your son finishes his GCSEs that's just an excuse, next it will be starting a levels, finishing a levels, starting uni whatever. Believe me he will know already what the marriage is like.

Yup.

You only need to plan the financial side of this carefully. He sounds like he could be nasty and tricky

[RantyAunty]

Is he pretty careless with hand hygiene and masking? Is he double vaxxed?

If he's been out, he could have likely caught a bug and passed it on to you by being in the house and touching the light switches, door knobs, etc. with his dirty hands.

Others are right in saying if you're going to leave him, get on with it.
You may find your son's anxiety disappears once he's away from that environment.

[LucentBlade]

See a lawyer. I know assets are generally split 50/50 on divorce. But is this inheritance enough to buy another house or just enough to set up in a rented house. Could you buy him out, would you want to?