OH says they are scared of me

[MemoriesOfTomorrow]

Ok, first of all i'm no angel. Lots to work on to be a better person and partner. And so much other stuff going on in our relationship I literally don't what's going on and how to make it better.
Bit of background...
I do lose my temper. I'm aware of it and i am trying to change it. I am 100% responsible for my own actions and do not blame my OH for it. Losing my temper usually means i raise my voice, and can get a bit sweary. The last time i raised my voice was about August. And probably twice more earlier in the year. In the last approx 5 years i have chucked a remote control across the room, chucked a tea towel across the room, dropped a potted plant i was holding (in a shop), and chucked a baking tray. Not at anyone. And not intended to be intimidating or threatening. Purely out of frustration during an argument. Mostly because I feel i am not being listened to. Which is no excuse. I appreciate that is not a nice place to be for my OH, and is a bad way to behave. I am really working hard to change that. I do try to walk away when i feel frustrated but that doesn't seem to stop the argument. I have left the house a few times to calm things down and spent the night with nearby family.

The anger thing is definitely my problem.

Along side that, I am constantly being told off for my behaviour. Not the losing my temper stuff. Just stuff i'm doing wrong, and stuff that they don't agree with, stuff I'm told a normal person wouldn't do, not supportive etc.. Some of these things are fair, and I have listened to how my OH feels and tried to change and be better. Some of them not so fair, or probably more like we have a different opinion, which is ok, we just need to learn how to deal with having different opinions.

My frustration is that when I am being told off about something my OH is unhappy about, it's really like a teacher or parent and child situation. Very much being told off. One way traffic. Not a conversation. And every week it's something new, and always a massive deal. I've tried explaining how this feels, but am told "I'm just telling you the facts". I don't mind things being pointed out if I've been a bit selfish, or inconsiderate - which i can be sometimes, but being spoken to like a child is really tough, and constantly being told i'm a rubbish partner and make them unhappy.

Because I've tried to explain how it feels to being on the receiving end of the "telling off", my OH now says that they feel like they can't say anything to me because of this.

I've been told i'm manipulative, and controlling, and a bully. I don't want to be any of those things. And genuinely don't know if I am or not. I've said that i'm sorry if that's what i'm doing, I don't want to be like that and we should end the relationship because that can't be nice for you.

Then on top of that the anger issue is a problem and am now being told that they are worried it might lead to violence. I don't want any one to be scared of violence.

I 100% take responsibility for my actions. However I don't get angry about anything my OH has done, i'm very much a "just let it go, it might bother me right now, but will it bother me tomorrow? If no then just forget it and everything will be fine" type of person.
It only happens when I'm being told off for the millionth time and i can't take it anymore. So i've tried to talk about that and talk about ways we could help each other. But they always see this as me blaming them for my behaviour and then i get the line "Domestic abusers always blame the other person"

I do not want to give up on this relationship. I hope my OH doesn't either. We both have children. Our step children have a very close bond.

Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. I want to make life better for us both.

If anyone is interested in the potted plant in a shop situation - it's another example of my poor behaviour. I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom"
Stupid I know but i lost control, so i dropped the plant and walked off without saying a word. I think the plant fell out of it's pot. In my head i was fuming. I couldn't help but think to myself, I'm a grown adult, surely i'm at the stage in my life where I should be able to make a decision for myself that is relatively inconsequential to anyone else. We haven't even talked about the plant in the bedroom bit because my dropping the plant in the shop has dominated the conversation, "childish, aggressive, embarrassing, you've got no self control, scared about what is going to happen next"

[Palavah]

Why do you want to stay in this relationship?

You don't sound very happy.

[Motnight]

You need to split up and stop blaming your partner for your abusive temper.

HTH

[RedCarsGoFaster]

My ex has been the same as you, and it's fucking terrifying to be on the receiving end because I can't trust that you / him won't continue to up the ante and the only thing left to do is attack your OH. It's a scary way to live.

If you truly think you can and want to change, you need anger management therapy and if you think you want to stay in this relationship, couples therapy as well.

[AliceinBorderland]

You sound terrifying to live with

[VodselForDinner]

You (singular) are abusive.

You (plural) are incompatible.

Sounds like this isn’t worth salvaging.

[Backstreetsbackalrightdadada]

You need to be on your own and speak to a therapist, I mean that in the nicest way. I’d be scared of you too right now, but you can find ways of taking control of your emotions.

[butterflyze]

You need to move out, get to grips with your temper (maybe with some professional support) and then see whether the relationship is worth saving. Your partner might want you back, they might not. But you can't carry on like this.

[SylviaTrench]

Are you only losing your temper with your partner? What about at work or with friends or family?

[Rainbowheart1]

What are you being told off for? If it’s stuff that is acceptable then you need to adress it, if it’s because you put the spoon the wrong way up in the dishwasher, then there’s no need for it.

[Rainbowheart1]

What’s your partner like in general too, his he a kind hearted person in general? That also would affect my decision on if he is just sticking the boot in or actually trying to make your lives better

[beastlyslumber]

This is horrible OP. You sound like you have a scary temper and use violence as a means of control. I feel sorry for your wife. What did she actually say about the bedroom, honestly? because your version sounds exaggerated to say the least. Your response was unbelievably awful and would have frightened anyone.

[IWillFindYou]

Do you/have you lost temper with other people or with just with him?

[lilmishap]

I picked up a plant in a shop and said this would be nice for our bedroom. A short version of the response i got was "our bedroom is disgusting and you keep making it worse, there is no way we are having that in our bedroom

This is fucking vile. It was a deliberate attempt to humiliate you and it worked.

Never mind that you're an adult and no-one should be telling you off, who the fuck died and made him the master of acceptable behaviour?

You lose your temper if you get spoken to like shit, if he doesn't like seeing your anger maybe he should stop deliberately provoking it by acting like an arsehole

It doesn't sound like he has a rational view of acceptable so how you can believe anything he says I don't know.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Constant belittling is abuse. Throwing things in anger is abuse.

You have to end the relationship. Counselling isn't even recommended in cases like this.

[Aquamarine1029]

I do not want to give up on this relationship.

It is literally a crying shame that you are deluded enough to feel this way. You ar toxic, he is toxic, and this relationship is absolutely horrible. A toxic nightmare. My heart breaks for the children involved in this mess. The very best thing you could ever do for these kids is to end it.

[Shoxfordian]

Sounds like a very toxic relationship

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Never mind that you're an adult and no-one should be telling you off, who the fuck died and made him the master of acceptable behaviour?

OP very studiously avoided he/she in the OP. Could be any combination of sexes.

[MilduraS]

Have you looked into cognitive behavioural therapy? I used it for anxiety but it could help with anger. It's all about recognising triggers and finding tools to manage your response.

[beastlyslumber]

Sorry but I don't think OP is a woman talking about her male partner. This is a man trying to gaslight the woman he abuses. He will take any sympathetic responses here and use them as ammunition.

I could be wrong but please consider the possibility before commenting.

[Cheesepuff1]

sounds toxic from both sides and very unhealthy for children to be around. please be sensible and see this and leave... then sort yourself out.

[tofuschnitzel]

It sounds like your DP browbeats you so much that you are left with very little agency to respond in those situations, hence lashing out in frustration. What you have written seems to me that he can be as vile to you as he likes, with no repercussions, because he has painted you as angry and abusive, and you are not allowed a say. That's not bloody fair at all.

It sounds like your DP is the abusive one.

[SnarkyBag]

The whole relationship sounds like a car crash. For gods sake don’t bring children into it!

[ShrikeAttack]

I think it's two women actually.

[tofuschnitzel]

@beastlyslumber

Sorry but I don't think OP is a woman talking about her male partner. This is a man trying to gaslight the woman he abuses. He will take any sympathetic responses here and use them as ammunition.

I could be wrong but please consider the possibility before commenting.

I really hope not. You reply in good faith, and then read something this. It's maddening.

[butterflyze]

@beastlyslumber

Sorry but I don't think OP is a woman talking about her male partner. This is a man trying to gaslight the woman he abuses. He will take any sympathetic responses here and use them as ammunition.

I could be wrong but please consider the possibility before commenting.

It doesn't matter which way round, or indeed a same-sex/gender couple, my advice remains the same as I gave above. The one who is having difficulty controlling their temper and has a habit of smashing things - well they need to move out.