How did you leave?

[KevinTheKoala]

I need to leave an abusive relationship but I don't know how. He is not physically abusive, he has never hit me and so I don't think the council will help me, I have 2 children and only work part time and frankly if I leave him I may not even be able to work that much. We are not married, we privately rent and the rent is extortionate but still the cheapest in the area. I have no family who could help me and I have no friends at all. My life is a complete mess and I don't know what to do. My mental health is in the gutter and I've tried to break up with him so many times but every single time I end up staying and I feel like I am going insane. I am sure that he is abusive - although he says I am so maybe we are just as bad as each other and I just need to stay single forever - God knows I know how to pick them! I just want to get out and I don't know how when I can't get help. There's no police reports, no evidence, everyone loves him - he has loads of friends and helps everyone whereas I have no friends, I don't talk and am seen as lazy, paranoid and unfriendly.

[freeatlast2021]

Dear OP, I do not live in the UK and so unfortunately cannot give you any useful advise re leaving, but there are many kind and knowledgeable people on MN who will, I am sure, jump in with advice. I just wanted to tell you that you deserve to be happy, you deserve better than what you have and should not question your intentions, they are good and healthy. You should try your best to remove yourself from this marriage. There are more then one kind of abuses and all of them are damaging for a human being, so do not downplay what is happening to you. Stay strong.

[TheFoundations]

Speak to Women's Aid. In the nicest possible way, they've met thousands just like you before. They'll know all the routes out of your situation. They'll stop you feeling like you're going nuts, too, because you'll realise that what you feel is what everybody feels when they're in your situation. Abusers screw your head up and make you feel to blame; it's pretty standard.

You don't need police reports or proof of abuse to leave a relationship. You don't have to worry about being single forever right now; yuor head is in an abuse-victim place, you naturally aren't going to feel like anybody's 'dream partner'. That will change as you heal. Just concentrate on getting out, for now.

[kymeraray]

I’m in the process of leaving an abusives relationship. Like you- he has never hit me but has thrown things at me and trashed our house.

I phoned the domestic abuse hotline- just to validate what I was feeling. The woman I spoke to was lovely and confirmed that I was indeed being abused.

We also rent from a private landlord. I could never afford the rent on my own but it is cheap for this area. What I’ve done may be controversial but I phoned my landlord and asked them to take my name off the tenancy and explained why. I have now phoned my council to let them know I am homeless (sofa surfing technically) and that should help me get a council flat. I’ve asked for all correspondence from them to be sent to my mums house. My family aren’t particularly supportive but I trust them with my mail.

What I am surprised about- I’ve been allocated a housing support officer due to my homelessness status. I told her I was fleeing domestic abuse along with several other people at the council and no one has asked me if I am safe or if I need further support. I do- but I don’t know how to access it.

I hope that helps and I realise I have been really risky and my way may not be the best way.

[category12]

Have you looked at what top-ups you would be entitled to as a sole parent?

You can still seek help from domestic abuse services when it is not physical abuse. Speak to your local services and explain what's going on.

[LeekChic]

Local authorities help with domestic abuse not just violence- it might be worth giving them a ring to see what they say.

[KevinTheKoala]

Thank you all, I will try and give women's aid a ring when I can - I just never know when he will be home at the moment and obviously don't want to risk him overhearing me. I do feel like because there isn't anything overt in his behaviour and he is very, very good at getting people to agree with him that I might just be making things worse in my head but at the same time I wouldn't want our children to be in this sort of relationship.

[TheFoundations]

ery good at getting people to agree with him that I might just be making things worse in my head

He is at fault, but you need to take responsibility for you. You need to take care of your emotional self. The part of your process that needs to change is the one above. You currently have a story that goes 'He treats me in a way that makes me feel bad. Whose fault is that? It's probably him, he's the one who's doing the unpleasant things. But then, he says it's me... perhaps he's right? I can certainly see that I'm not perfect, so maybe my actions are making him be horrible to me...' etc etc. All of this is self invalidation. You know what you feel. This story should be 'He treats me in a way that makes me feel bad. I told him, and nothing changed, so I'm leaving.'

There are no rules (other than laws) about how we 'should' treat each other. Everybody is pretty much allowed to do whatever they want; lie, cheat, manipulate etc, within the emotional realm. So the rules we all have to follow are the ones we make ourselves, as individuals, according to our own individual boundaries. Whether somebody is abusive or not is by the by; even if he was an absolute angel, but the things he did made you feel bad, you still would need to leave.

Feelings are all we have. If you're on a beautiful beach with a beautiful house and a beautiful pool and all the best food and drink and a million quid in the bank and lovely people around you, it means nothing if it makes you feel bad. And it could.

All the boundaries lessons in the world can be boiled down to 'Do things/spend time with people that make you feel good. Avoid things that make you feel bad.' What those things are, and who those people are, is up to you. You are in charge. You are responsible for looking after your own emotions.

So if he's regularly making you feel bad, and if he's calling you abusive, I'm pretty sure that crosses your boundaries. Nobody has to believe you or tell you you're right. Because you already know your own emotional responses to him, and nobody could possibly know better. You are the boss.

Validate yourself. Accept that your feelings are your truth, and nobody else knows a thing about how you feel, because they can't feel it.

There is lots of support out there, and it's great to access it and to use it to help you, and you definitely should. There's nothing rare about your situation; covert abuse is a well recognised concept, and there are ways out of your situation that many, many people have already successfully used. The best support you can possible have, though, is your own. Support yourself. Support your own feelings. Have your own back. If you feel bad, nobody can tell you that you're 'wrong' or that you have to keep putting up with it. Don't question yourself. Just respond respectfully to your own emotions; listen to what they tell you. It's like looking after a child. Your emotions say 'I don't like this!', so instead of responding with 'You're just being silly, be quiet!', say 'Oh, darling, really? OK then, shall we go somewhere else? Where would you like to go?'

That's self validation, and you sound like you really really need it right now.

[Fireworksfly]

Try contacting your local council to get on a housing list / housing associations that may be cheaper
As a lone parent you will be entitled to tax credits/universal credits
Turn 2 Us is a good site as they have a calculator for potential benefits you could claim
benefits-calculator-2.turn2us.org.uk/

[freeatlast2021]

@TheFoundations very well said.