Am I mad to leave?

(10 Posts)
workanddogs Mon 18-Oct-21 15:05:39

I really need some advice as my head is all over the place.

I have been married 20 years. Our relationship has always been up and down and was before we married. He hasn't always treated me well - in fact some things I tell people really shock them. If I am honest, I probably only married him as I wanted to settle down and have children. Two years ago he had an affair. I asked him to leave, but even though i had dreamed of this and my friends all wanted me to finish it, I chickened out and took him back. My friends were disappointed in me. We had counselling, we have moved on and bought a fabulous house last year. The affair is in the past.

Now, we have a wonderful life. We get on well, go out a lot and have lots of fun. We have a forever home with kids and dogs. From the outside many people might envy us.

But it's not all good. He gets angry over small things and shouts or sends aggressive texts. I don't want sex with him at all, but he is demanding and wants it 2-3 a week and gets angry and nasty if I don't. I question whether this is my problem or his. I love him as a partner and father of our children. His parents are incredibly controlling and don't like me. To top it all, I have been in contact with someone who I've known 30 years and who has made me see how toxic my relationship is. The fact that I am contemplating a relationship with this person tells me I should leave. I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me but I feel we have run the course.

OP’s posts: |
KirstenBlest Mon 18-Oct-21 15:11:57

No. He's angry and aggressive and demands sex. Leave.

butterflyze Mon 18-Oct-21 15:15:05

Now, we have a wonderful life That might be what it looks like from the outside, but it's not, is it?

I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me Does he love you? Does he really? This is the man who betrayed you, shouts at you, sends you abusive texts and gets nasty if you turn his sex pest advances down.

My advice would be to read up on the 'sunk cost fallacy' and cut your losses.

TheFoundations Mon 18-Oct-21 16:29:28

Stop denying your feelings. You have a crap relationship, and you've openly listed the reasons why.

You also have your fingers in your ears and are loudly singing 'LA LA LA We have a wonderful relationship LA LA LA!!'

Why are you minimising your emotions. He makes you feel horrible. Do you think he has to do it all the time to make your feelings valid?

tickertock Mon 18-Oct-21 16:34:44

It's never too late to leave, just because it's been 20 years you're still entitled to live a good life away from someone like him.

litterbird Mon 18-Oct-21 16:53:11

"I feel a huge amount of guilt because he does love me"

Sorry OP but he doesn't love you and I worry that his behaviour to you makes you think that this is love. You are so down the rabbit hole its quite frightening. Leave and go and find happiness elsewhere. You are living a lie right now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 18-Oct-21 19:28:02

Don't leave him because you're considering a fling with someone else.

Leave him because he's an arsehole.

You've had your children. Move on. Get your own life back.

You sounds miserable. You don't need to be.

And sod his parents? What do your parents think of the way he has treated you over the years? Have you told them how he treats you now?

Please leave your 'fabulous house' (and frightful husband) or ask him to leave.

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Sonaftersonafterson Mon 18-Oct-21 22:26:13

You're not mad to leave OP, but you'd be fucking mental to stay.

workanddogs Tue 19-Oct-21 09:25:14

Thank you all. I initially felt really defensive and that I had overstated things. But having slept on it, I have wanted out of this marriage from the moment I was in and have stayed for the security. You are right. The sunk cost fallacy is spot on.

OP’s posts: |
Begrateful Tue 19-Oct-21 13:05:17

You know in your heart what's the right decision to do...Leave!!

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