Help me throw some light on this ?

[Thighdentitycrisis]

Talking on the phone with DP
After a long talk I was just about to say something about X and he cut me off - to say “I wasn’t talking about X, I was talking about Y (the thing we had just discussed for the last hour)
I told him he interrupted me and I wanted to make a point and that it had evolved out of our conversation.
He said no he didn’t interrupt me
I said yes he did
He then countered with- do you think you haven’t interrupted me in the last hour ?
I said that’s not what we’re talking about. I raised the fact that you cut me off and you denied it, now you are trying to divert attention with this “noise”
He then told me I was difficult to talk to
I then said you are now telling me there is something wrong with me, can you not see what you are doing? And you think you are enlightened about control in relationships?
We ended the call then
Am I being unreasonable? Can you explain it to me? Basically were we still meant to be talking about X because I hadn’t agree with him 100%?

[Lweji]

Do you live together?
Does this happen often?

[Burnerphone21]

Had there been a disagreement brewing for a while? It all sounds really tense

[Thighdentitycrisis]

No we don’t live together

We are quite tense though - maybe there is always some kind of unspoken argument

[Thighdentitycrisis]

I don’t feel awful, but I wanted some other perspectives. I don’t know if I am over sensitive or what?

[FirstStarToTheRight]

This is very hostile energy between you two… where is the love? Do you want a loving respectful relationship?

[ChristmasWithDC]

It sounds quite a tense conversation from both of you tbh, certainly not the general phone chit chat you’d expect from your average relationship.

How long have you been together? Do you often have long phone conversations, can you not physically see each other regularly?

[surlycurly]

Oh no, no, no. I simply couldn't be with someone who was on the attack all the time. My ex husband and I spoke to each other like this at the end of our marriage. Constant flipping the point back and statements loaded with hostility. There is no respect here. You need a new DP.

[Thighdentitycrisis]

I do
But I fear I am the hostile one

[Thighdentitycrisis]

We are in different countries and don’t see each other much because of COVID

[Thighdentitycrisis]

@surlycurly
Am I on the attack ? I can’t even see it clearly

[surlycurly]

You are. He felt you changed the subject. Clearly he was annoyed about your shift in conversation . You both then proceed to take the situation apart in order to be right . He doesn't sound nice either by the way. Being right is never more important than being kind of you're in a healthy place relationship wise. I'm not sure what you're getting from this if you speak to each other like this all the time.,

[butterflyze]

Is his idea of a conversation actually a monologue, to which you are allowed to contribute only if you are agreeing with his point of view all the time?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Thighdentitycrisis

No we don’t live together

We are quite tense though - maybe there is always some kind of unspoken argument

Always quite tense? Is that a benchmark of a relationship you're with?

[Aquamarine1029]

It shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't. You need a serious rethink.

[QueenDanu]

So you cant move on from the subject of X until you agree? No "agree to disagree?"

Covid killed my relationship so i dont know how you are still together tbh!

[Lana07]

@Thighdentitycrisis

Talking on the phone with DP
After a long talk I was just about to say something about X and he cut me off - to say “I wasn’t talking about X, I was talking about Y (the thing we had just discussed for the last hour)
I told him he interrupted me and I wanted to make a point and that it had evolved out of our conversation.
He said no he didn’t interrupt me
I said yes he did
He then countered with- do you think you haven’t interrupted me in the last hour ?
I said that’s not what we’re talking about. I raised the fact that you cut me off and you denied it, now you are trying to divert attention with this “noise”
He then told me I was difficult to talk to
I then said you are now telling me there is something wrong with me, can you not see what you are doing? And you think you are enlightened about control in relationships?
We ended the call then
Am I being unreasonable? Can you explain it to me? Basically were we still meant to be talking about X because I hadn’t agree with him 100%?

The main rule to have happy relations and a respectful conversations is

1) not to blame.

What are your star signs, I wonder? I believe in astrology 70%.

He started blaming you for changing the subject too quickly.

If he told me: 'I haven't finished talking about X yet and you've interrupted me and started talking about Y'

Me: 'Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. I thought you have finished talking about X and decided to move on talking about Y. Carry on please what you wanted to say'.

[BlueSlate]

Have you seen the 'Women know your place' Harry Enfield sketch..?

[TheFoundations]

@Thighdentitycrisis

I don’t feel awful, but I wanted some other perspectives. I don’t know if I am over sensitive or what?

There's no such thing as oversensitive. You are the level of sensitive that protects your own personal boundaries. Your level of sensitivity is right where it should be.

If you have a relationship that makes you feel that your sensitivity is set too high, you are in a relationship with a person who keeps crossing your boundaries. You are too sensitive for this relationship. It's not a fault in you; it's incompatibility.

There are plenty of other people in your life (I'm sure) with whom you don't feel 'oversensitive', so clearly it's not some 'personality error' that you have.

Don't change your traits. Change your people. Only mix with people who you are comfortable being yourself with.

This guy isn't one of them.

And there's no right or wrong with interrupting; different people accept different things. What someone else finds rude might feel to you like conversation flowing, or vice versa. We've all got different rhythms, like with dancing. Find someone who doesn't keep stepping on your conversational toes.

[BringOnTheOtherWorlders]

How often do you get to see each other in person?

[Thighdentitycrisis]

@butterflyze
I think it is
I think he feels that he can’t discuss things with me, and the reason for that is because I have an opinion. We had talked for an hour on what he brought up but I think he was still on it because he couldn’t hear my opinions as being just that, he only hears me not agreeing with him.

[Aphrodite31]

Oh wow @TheFoundations - everything you said was so spot on. I'm copying and pasting it (to my forehead ...!!).

@Thighdentitycrisis - either you just let this go as a tetchy long-distance failed convo, or you see if it fits a pattern, and think a bit about how this whole relationship is making you feel.

@TheFoundations said you presumably don't feel like you are 'over-sensitive' with everyone. Or do you?

If you don't, then just think if this relationship is enhancing your life. Long distance is a peculiar set-up with its own challenges (and some advantages). It can actually let an incompatible thing run longer than it should. Or it can spoil something that might work when closer. You have to unpick what is happening here.

But on the face of it, the phone conversation sounds quite prickly on both sides.

[GoodnightGrandma]

Imagine what it would be like if you lived together !
It sounds like he was putting you in your place, so how do you actually benefit from this relationship ?

[Thighdentitycrisis]

@QueenDanu - it seems like that to me. I can’t see what to do because I think if I just agree with him then we have no conversation. My voicing an opinion/engaging with the topic is seen as disagreeing with him.

I just want to thank everyone for all replies I am taking it in
I am having a serious rethink and I expect he will be too

[butterflyze]

[quote Thighdentitycrisis]@butterflyze
I think it is
I think he feels that he can’t discuss things with me, and the reason for that is because I have an opinion. We had talked for an hour on what he brought up but I think he was still on it because he couldn’t hear my opinions as being just that, he only hears me not agreeing with him.[/quote]
Ah well, it's not a discussion then, is it?

Who wants to listen to somebody going on and on about something, especially if it seems like they are doing it specifically so they can argue the toss with your opinion and find fault with it, so they can prove themselves right?

A confrontational conversation style is not particularly restful for those on the receiving end.

[butterflyze]

If you want to test whether he's doing it on purpose or not, next time he goes off on one of his monologues discussions, just throw in a variety of these type of comments
"Yes"
"You're right"
"Yes I know, I feel like that too"
"I'm happy for you to decide"
"I agree"
"I don't mind either way"
"Oh, absolutely, couldn't agree more"
"Spot on"
and see how long it takes for him to attempt to needle you into disagreeing with him.

I bet you any money you like that he will try and wheedle an opinion out of you, which he will then pick it apart, disagree with it, and tell you why you are in the wrong.