NC, as I’ll be easily recognisable with some of the details.
This is regarding my in-laws. They have always put my DH down, who is amazing, they seem to be only interested if they think he is failing. They only wanted to see us if they thought they could help, like around the house, so we used to keep DIY for them to come and see us which fed into the we are useless so we stopped and asked to meet them socially for lunch etc, this stopped happening.
They are angry at me for having a career and not being a housewife, that it is unfair for DH to have to housework. They don’t realise or ignore that I am the higher earner. Pre kids they actually sat me down to say I couldn’t expect DH to change nappies/get up in the night for feeds etc and we shouldn’t have kids if I expected that. They never apologised for that. They also wanted me to give up my career. So many other things which will out me if I list them all.
So FIL has cancer. Treated with surgery, not needing chemotherapy etc but some ongoing treatment. This is genuine and not a fake thing to get us back. We are now going to see them, but I don’t know how to keep ot together and not explode when MIL keeps prodding and poking me. I want to be grey rock and smile but I also want to tell them how amazing their son is, how happy we are and they are wrong about them wanting him to leave me.
We are genuinely happy and they can’t see that. My DH asked me if I wanted to go NC after some surgery I had and they were inexcusable. I said no thinking it would be better for him to keep some contact and encouraged it but I now regret not supporting him in that.
Every sentence from them is negative, about his job/health/us etc.
What stock phrases do I need to get through seeing them? I want to make it clear I am not a pushover and I am happy and they are horrible, but then DH is conflicted. He has started getting angry at his childhood and past treatment and current, by them. But obviously they now have a free pass to not having anything negative said to them. Having cancer and going through treatment is shit, so I am sensitive to that. I thought maybe this was a fresh start. In-laws have always considered my career a bit of a joke, and thought I was basically a student/apprentice and never asked me for advice about anything related to it and FIL would actually mansplain things to me. So recently I’ve had messages via DH that they would like advice, which I’ve friendly written out and sent and responded to questions, but I can read and hear the vitriol in their responses as being annoyed they’ve had to ask this of me and that I know more than them about this subject.
We are spending the afternoon with them and I don’t know if I can keep my cool. I want to ignore them, but I also want them to know how well we are doing and pull them up every time they say something negative to my DH. I have spent years having to build him back up after every single contact. Watched him visibly shrink when on the phone to him and his voice change. They think they are fantastic parents. Previously when DH has gone to the bathroom MIL has just stared at me like she wants to kill me, or sat in silence. She wanted DH to live at home forever, sees me as stealing him away and isn’t happy he is happy. She didn’t want him to be happy/married/successful at his career and hoped he would fail and move home and I think when they thought I was going to die or end up severely needing long term care that they were happy at the thought that he would be moving home. They didn’t think it was fair he had to care for me and though I should be removed from the house.
DH said he has never had a big or hugged his father, through his whole life. His father has never told him he loved him. DH wanted to tell him that on the phone, but said he had never said that to him and his DF would find that strange.
MIL clearly has some undiagnosed mental health issues/personality traits, which she has tried to put her behaviour onto DH.
I don’t know what I’m asking really, just writing it down so I can get some sleep. Anything I say will be taken as wrong. If I say we’re great then I’m lying, if we say anything is wrong, then MIL knew it, I was oh all along and they need to help us out. DH could never tell them he had a shit day, as that was taken as proof that it was all terrible, not just that people have a bad day and vent and then the next day is sunshine again.
I am truly amazed at the kind and genuinely awesome DH I have considering how he was raised, and how much they have affected his confidence, and I wish they saw how amazing he was not just wishing he was a failure to bring home. I just don’t get it.
I could spend all day writing down examples of their behaviour.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
LC parent having cancer
DILevil · 14/10/2021 12:21
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