Has anyone separated because of libido differences?

[NimbusLight]

DH wants more and better sex. I’m content with once of twice a week but he wants it more often and for me to put in more effort.

I’m tired, we have 4 DC and honestly I’m comfortable with our sex life. He’s not.

We don’t want to separate but he’s miserable and I’m at the end of my tether with this ongoing issue. He says it doesn’t seem like I’m enjoying sex, I’m never relaxed and it feels as though I’m just just box ticking.

We do set aside time for each other but I'm not always in the mood for experimenting and wild abandonment.

[NimbusLight]

Bump

[AWordsWorth]

Many years ago I did, from my long term BF/fiancé. He was (is) a lovely kind thoughtful man. Even though he was fit and healthy, he had a low libido which made me feel bad (over a period of time). Also, we did DTD I felt he did not put in much effort, the minimum. Even though he was a great partner in so many other ways we split up. It was very difficult at the time, but I'm so so lucky I made that decision in retrospect. If anything I should have made the call earlier.

I'm in a much better place now. Ex also got married, have two lovely kids, but in the process of separating (it's the same mismatched libido problem).

I wish you and your DH all the best OP!!

[Salayes]

Can you explain a bit more about how you view the sex you’re actually having?

Do you enjoy the sex you do have or do you feel how he thinks you feel and it’s just a box-ticking exercise? Maybe it’s less about the frequency and more about the quality for both of you? How are things overall between you - is there fun and intimacy and closeness away from sex?

[Thisthatandtheotherthing]

Often I consider what makes sex great and I think it largely is enthusiasm. When people have sex, they want to feel like the other person is excited, like they really want them.
It sounds like either you are no longer enthusiastic about sex in general, or that you are no longer enthusiastic about having sex with your partner be that reasons you can't help or reasons he can (like effort put into the relationship, perhaps he isn't as attractive to you as he once was).

If you still find your partner attractive, it's most likely the case that you're just too tired from raising 4 kids!

Though I have never left a relationship based solely around libido, I think it is absolutely an acceptable reason to end a relationship.

[thelegohooverer]

he wants it more often and for me to put in more effort

What sort of effort is he putting in to raising 4 dc and running a home? Ime there’s usually a correlation between a wife’s sex drive and a husband’s competence

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

Bloody hell some of these people who complain about once a week need to try living with my husband
We've prob had it about five times this year (not my choice either)

[Classica]

Considering you're probably got a full and busy life with 4 kids I'd say once/twice a week is pretty good!

Are you tired? Does he pull his weight?

[Unanananana]

@thelegohooverer

he wants it more often and for me to put in more effort

What sort of effort is he putting in to raising 4 dc and running a home? Ime there’s usually a correlation between a wife’s sex drive and a husband’s competence

This exactly. You see it on here time and time again. Men sulking about lack of sex but watching their wife/partner run ragged with house/working/mental load.

Raising four children must be exhausting. Is he expecting you to go from 'mum' to 'sex kitten' when the kids are in bed? Are you touched out from young children and this is fuelling the 'lack of enthusiasm'?

If he is not a true partner, as in doing 50/50 of ALL the work required to maintain a home and family, then its no wonder you don't want more regular sex.

[NimbusLight]

Thanks for the replies. I would say he does pull his weight, he works long hours and when he’s him we share the workload 50/50.

He is never too tired for sex though and I always am. I just struggle to get in the mood more than he does. Often in the evenings all I want to do is watch tv, read or sleep, it’s my ‘me’ time. I really do feel touched out too, I just want time alone after a long day with the kids.

[LolaIsHome]

That must be really difficult for you both. Sadly you both have very different desires, and place different priorities on sex.

On the positive side, you say really nice things about him, but it really seems something like you'd want to get some external advice from. counseling? Otherwise it could go down a a very bad path.

Personally I'd hate hate hate to be with someone that put in no effort, and was doing it just to tick a box.

[HelloILoveYou]

My DSis and her DH divorced for similar reasons. She lost all interest in sex in early 40s. She's single now, finding it hard to find someone who wanted a relationship but little or no sex.

Her ex-H has stayed very close to our family (even though no kids). He's engaged now. He seems very happy, but it will be a big adjustment to his lifestyle since he'll be a dad to two lovely girls as well :)