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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Low contact mother asking for money

82 replies

TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 07:53

I am fairly LC with my narc mother. She will literally suck the life out of me if I allow

A few weeks ago she phoned in tears saying she wanted to borrow £200 to see a surgeon privately as she was in so much pain. She said it would bump her up the list.
I told her o didn't have it, and that in the current climate it wouldn't bump her up the list.
The result of this was she was seen NHS within 2 weeks and is awaiting surgery.

Yesterday she phoned sobbing saying a hearing engineer had come out and said her boiler needed replacing as it was leaking carbon monoxide. She said she knew I didn't have the money but could I ask my partner (who has money) to lend her £3.5k and she would leave him money in her will.

I have asked her to get other quotes as she doesn't even have anything written about the boiler. She said 'don't worry I'll just have to pay for it over 10 years'.
She has money on credit cards with ridiculous interest and I've asked her to balance transfer, she asked me to do it as it takes her too long!!! I'm working full time with 2 dcs at home.

She does well at making me feel guilty, and also she is my mother, but I also know she will take take take
It's stressing me out

OP posts:

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HollowTalk · 14/10/2021 07:55

It made me laugh that she said she'd leave him the money in her will. She obviously has no intention of paying it back any sooner, does she? I wouldn't believe a word of it.

Rainbowheart1 · 14/10/2021 07:58

Leave him the money in her will….tells you everything. I wouldn’t lend it.

FangsForTheMemory · 14/10/2021 07:58

I wouldn’t give her the money and I’d do some research to find out how much a new boiler would cost her. If it’s leaking carbon monoxide, check what the usual course of action would be as I’d have expected it to be shut down immediately.

OurChristmasMiracle · 14/10/2021 07:59

I’m sure there are firms out there that will do payment plans. Her local council may also be able to help although there May be conditions such as if she sells the house in the next 5 years she will need to repay the cost etc

Your mums issues are not your own. I would be firm and state that you cannot afford to assist her and it is not an option to ask your partner to either- after all she can do what she wants in her will and there’s no guarantee that there will even be anything left or that she will indeed put it in her will at all.

DFOD · 14/10/2021 08:00

Your LC is not LC enough.

Classic hoovering tactic.

Wonder what it will be next week?

Yawn…….

Ukholidaysaregreat · 14/10/2021 08:03

She is beyond cheeky. If you send her any money she will be back on the phone for more! You have 2 dc of your own to look after and pay for. Don't send her this money!

TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 08:04

No she won't have any money to leave. My step father left enough money for her to buy her own house outright, with a bit left over.
She spent every bit, took all the equity out of her home and spent that too.
She now lives on pension credit and state pension.
I do feel for her situation but she has spent her life with other people looking after her and she's learned to be helpless

OP posts:

Mantlemoose · 14/10/2021 08:05

Please don't put your partner in that position. Just tell her no and change your number.

romdowa · 14/10/2021 08:07

No is a complete sentence. Start using more with her.

Mrgrinch · 14/10/2021 08:08

Just tell her you don't have the money and you don't feel comfortable asking your partner when she has no means to repay him.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 14/10/2021 08:10

I agree she is hoovering. My parents periodically try this shit when they are trying for attention. If you give her a cent it will never stop. Time, money, attention. It's a never-ending pit. Just don't. I ALWAYS regret replying!

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 14/10/2021 08:10

No no and no! First 200 quid and she got sorted when you didn't help her. Now 3.5k but she has nothing to prove it, no quotes etc. just leave her to it. Don't lend her the money, she won't spend it on the heating and then she'll be back asking for more. Let her put it on 10 year credit.

Not your problem.

category12 · 14/10/2021 08:11

Low contact needs to be lower.

Bagelsandbrie · 14/10/2021 08:12

Just say no and repeat.

If she is on pension credit and other benefits she should be able to get a discounted boiler through a low income scheme anyway. Tell her to contact her energy provider or council for advice.

AuntyFungal · 14/10/2021 08:18

Why do you feel for her situation?

She was gifted a house. She’s chosen to spend that house and then some.

How many people are lucky enough to be bought a home?

I’d save my sympathy for the souls who are really struggling.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2021 08:22

Keep on saying no otherwise she will bleed you dry financially too. Like many narcissists she is adopting hoovering behaviour here to try and further suck you into her dysfunctional world.

Look at the websites entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and Out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Your FOG also keeps you within her sphere. You are likely one of the very few, if only, people who actually bother with her and that's also because of the "special training" you have received from her to put her first with you dead last.

Do you think she feels at all guilty as to how she has and is treating you and your partner here?. No not a bit of it so your guilt here (a push button installed by her) is entirely misplaced.

Your current level of low contact is not low enough. It needs to be further lowered ultimately to a point of zero. It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like your mother.

Gingernaut · 14/10/2021 08:27

Even British Gas does payment plans.

dottiedodah · 14/10/2021 08:28

She sounds like shes a CF! If she suspects her Boiler is leaking Carbon monoxide then she should phone 0800111999.They will send someone out to check .If leaking it would be shut down .This happened to us and they made it safe on the spot .Most companies will have some sort of plan to pay by instalments. Go LC with her.Some people never seem to be able to manage money .It sounds like she knows your DP has cash and wants to get hold of it! She sounds very spoilt and entitled .We had a new boiler a few years ago at a lot less than that.

elbea · 14/10/2021 08:32

If she is on pension credit and other benefits she is likely eligible for a free new boiler - www.boilergrants.co.uk/pensioners/

DFOD · 14/10/2021 08:33

She is just using emotional manipulation of the pleading victim type to Hoover your back in because you are LC - and then (as you well know) once you are back within punching distance the abuse resumes.

Save and direct your finite energy, time, headspace and emotions to your DH and DCs - as I am sure she has drained and depleted you of most of your life already.

Bakedbeanhead · 14/10/2021 08:47

Sounds like my mum to be honest. She’s had two large cash inheritances during her life. Has managed to blow both of them on holidays and tat. Now she lives on a state pension and moans about it. I can’t be bothered to hear about it be be honest.
Reiterating what others have said, just say no and look after your family ❤️

Sakurami · 14/10/2021 08:54

Don't give her a penny, it will never be enough.

My ex MIL is like this. Her requests are never ending and some of it isn't even for her, it'll be for other people. Also giving cash to people randomly to make herself seem generous. I remember her meeting my (wealthy) friend and trying to give her £50 for no reason (my ex had just given her some cash).

She sold a holiday house for £500k and still swindled one of her kids for £80k.

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TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 13:06

You're all right, I know

I've had years and years of this, crying, threatening

I think she sees my partner as some sort of cash cow, he recently took her away with us for the weekend (first time I've visited in years) she didn't even offer to buy a round of drinks

I'm just cross now that she has put me in this position, and DP too

OP posts:

BringPizza · 14/10/2021 13:12

No, just fucking no. Mine is the same- bled me for a washing machine she was too poor to buy then went to a property auction the next week to bid on a holiday house. Be strong OP

TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 13:26

Oh yes she's away next week in a mini break with her useless man

OP posts:

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