Why wasn't I enough?

[Mermaidwaves]

I've been separated two years now from exH and still very much single. He has now married OW and they've had a baby, another is on the way. I try so hard to move on but I see how happy he is with OW, a totally different man to how he was when he was married to me. He was sullen, distant, abusive to me, now he's lit up like the sun and turned a corner. I spent 20 years trying to make my marriage work. She is younger and more attractive than me but I gave him my best years.

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[redastherose]

You need some counselling to let go and work on you. You said you tried your hardest but if he was sullen and horrible to you he clearly wasn't interested in trying and it takes two people to make a relationship work. There is a whole new life out there, he's moved on and so should you in time but counselling would help you do so.

[B1rdflyinghigh]

This is absolutely nothing to do with who you are. You were with the wrong man.

Exactly how do you know that he's full of sunshine and moonbeams?! How can you be so certain of that assumption?

[MrsSkylerWhite]

So sorry. You just weren’t right together.

[tickertock]

You spent too long in that marriage. Stop thinking why you're not enough, he is an awful person to of had an affair and put you through misery, you are too good for that treatment. There must be some positives in your life now? you are also free to date again, hopefully you'll meet someone that will switch you off from the ex

[Spidersinmyhair]

Are you seeing pics of them on social media? Because we all know that's an accurate portrayal of people's lives behind closed doors

[HartyPat]

I understand completely.

My exh and I split after 20 years, 2 years ago.
He's like a different man now. Makes more effort with the dc and does things with them he never did while we were together.
He's moved in with his gf and I am genuinely pleased he's moving on. But he's very different with her and I don't understand why. They go for weekends away, to festivals and I wanted to do that when we were together but he never wanted to. He was very much a home body.

And I do resent he's had my 'best years'. And I know that's silly to say but I do.
I put it down to us being in a long term relationship and ultimately we were not right together.
I'm nearly 40 and I'm hoping I'll find someone but it's surreal to see my ex now, it's like he's a different person. Obviously I don't see what goes on behind closed doors but I do think we were not right for each other
I hope you find happiness op.

[Buildingthefuture]

Firstly, him being abusive to you has nothing to do with anything you did. It’s a choice he made, to behave like a colossal wanker. That’s on HIM.
Secondly, I would not believe his life or OWs life is now all sunshine & rainbows….unless he has had a shit ton of therapy, people don’t just “stop” being abusive. From OW point of view, she risked her reputation and perhaps her own relationship for this man? It would be very difficult for her to now to openly admit that, whoops, he’s actually a massive prick!
Concentrate on you and the things that make you happy. You gave him 20 years of your life - he does not deserve one single minute more of your thoughts xx

[Sakurami]

Hi op. Don't believe social media.

And also, I bet the first few years you were with him were great too otherwise you wouldn't have married him. It is still early days.

One of my exes is happy with his second wife. But she puts up with stuff that I never did.

[Rainandspirit]

Just over 2 years from finding out exh had an affair. Spend 18 months trying to make it work but then a light bulb moment happened and I make the decision to end it and straight away I felt years lighter . You have to work on urself and be the person that u deserve to be . Ever now and then I have a down day about what we have lost but then I look at me now and think I have a lot to gain . Onwards and upwards .

[Mermaidwaves]

Neither him nor me have social media so it's nothing to do with that, I see how happy he is with my own eyes. My DDs see a very different dad now, one who is smiling, happy and far more tolerant. I tried dating last year but am still very much single now.

@HartyPat
I'm sorry you've experienced this too, it feels like OW has the man that I always wanted him to be! It hurts that she's bought out his better side somehow. I'm 40 and just feel a bit hopeless about moving on and finding something meaningful myself.

[Livandme]

mermaid
Our paths have crossed on threads before. I'm feeling a little more upbeat this week. We all have rubbish days, weeks, periods of time. I promise that things will start improving at some point.
I've started saying yes to almost everything anyone asks if I want to do.
Make this time for you. Try and leave things in the past. I know it's very difficult with dc but maybe try doing a few new things.
Sending hugs. I know how you feel.

[sospspsp]

He didn't have your best years or the best of you.
This is your time. Your schedule are older, you have the freedom of pleasing yourself and not having to make the inevitable compromises that being in a relationship entails.

It's on you to make your 40s and onwards your best years. I think you are looking back at him with rose-tinted glasses, you had him for 20 years and it didn't work, I suggest to talk out the grief and the loss and then prepare to let go and move on

[TheFoundations]

Most people are not compatible with most people. Otherwise society would be very different, and everybody would find it really easy to find a perfect mate and be happy all the time.

Not being compatible with him has nothing to do with you, or your qualities or traits. It's the most likely outcome of 2 people meeting, and it happens all the time, to pairs of wonderful people, who turn a bit 'monster' when they're together, because they bring out all the wrong things in each other.

That's one side of it. The other side is that people whose relationship MO is to abuse, don't change from partner to partner. What they do, if they're clever, is they find partners who are increasingly good at looking like they're not abuse victims. If you're an abuser, the last thing you want is a partner who walks into the street and says 'My spouse abuses me.' The partner you want is one that will make you look like an angel to the outside world, but who you can treat like shit behind closed doors.

If you were in a relationship with an abuser, those were not the best years of your life. Some people have their best years in their 50s, 60s, and onwards... when they've learned not to give a flying fandoodle about what any boring old exes are up to, because they're too busy skydiving or running a marathon or playing the timpani in an orchestra.

Work out what you love love love to do, now. Start doing it. Fill your life with it. You are upset about your ex because you have nothing better to do, and it's your responsibility to find something that's more fascinating to you than spending time thinking about him.

[Mermaidwaves]

@livandme

Yes I remember you, my experiences with men are truly woeful. I hope things are better for you now

Yes I agree that I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses, craving the marriage that in reality I never had. It's so hard to look forward though, I find evenings and nights are worse when laying alone in bed. I work a lot of hours too so I don't have much spare time for fun things, I know I need to stop comparing myself to OW too, I think about her a lot, way too much energy is wasted on her!

[Livandme]

mermaidwaves
Ups and downs. Finding it tough when I'm on my own at the moment. Had few things to deal with and I've tried to plan things but need a balance of having people around but making sure it's the right people for my frame of mind.

Ow is not worthy of your thoughts. In time, I hope you think of her less and less and look to the future more.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

If you value honesty, integrity and loyalty... he wasn't enough for you!

[KurtWilde]

This has been the case with my exh too. I didn't want my marriage to end but ultimately I was the one to leave with our DC because he was just unbearable to be around and made our lives so miserable. Emotionally abusive. nasty, controlling, shouty, silly, never wanted to do anything or go anywhere with me or the family as a whole, and ultimately cheated on me.

Five years down the line and he's like a different man with his partner. He's the man I deserved him to be, after I gave everything I had to him and the relationship. My best years, as you put it. And damn right I feel resentful when I see his partner getting from him what I should've been getting. It hurts, even now.

I've done tons of work on myself, I'm not short of attention, but I find I'm just not interested in giving all that again to someone who might end up throwing it back in my face like my exh did. I'm not willing to put myself and my DC in that position again.

But I can't lie, I see how he is with her, and I'm ashamed to say it pisses me off. Everyone said when I left, how brave I was to leave the marriage, how right it was to do so, and oh it's not you he'll be just the same with the next one too, but I always feared he wouldn't be, and he isn't. Which honestly makes me wonder if it was all my fault after all.

[KurtWilde]

*sullen not silly

[Mermaidwaves]

@KurtWilde
Your post sounds just like my situation! I ended the marriage too because he was just like your exH and everyone including me thought it would be this amazing fresh start for me. But two years on and jaded from OLD I just feel deflated and cynical about men.

I'm so sorry you've experienced this too, it feels like there's no justice doesn't it? I feel angry that I'm alone whilst he has a happy new life as the family man I always craved for him to be. It's like he's learnt from his mistakes he made me with me and OW gets all the benefits.

[KurtWilde]

It's like he's learnt from his mistakes he made me with me and OW gets all the benefits

I think this a lot. A couple of months back he dropped our DC off and mentioned he was taking his partner to a farmers market and how much they love going. I just kind of stared at him, because I love them and always wanted him to come along with me and DC and he'd maybe go as a one off, but it was under duress. Normally he'd say something derisive and I'd take them on my own. And suddenly here he is loving farmers markets with his partner.

Anyway, I mentioned it and I know it's petty but I couldn't help it. And he said 'well I learned how not to be when I was married to you, so I should thank you really for being my learning curve..' And he left. I was ridiculously upset. I was his learning curve?? I had his children, run the house, put my career on hold for his, and asked for nothing more than he be the loving family man he'd initially purported himself to be. And I was his learning curve?? Some other woman is benefitting from how badly I'd been treat.
.

[LemonadeFromLemons]

Kudos @KurtWilde for not punching him straight in the face.

[KurtWilde]

@LemonadeFromLemons

Kudos *@KurtWilde* for not punching him straight in the face.

Funnily enough you're not the first person to say that!

What it did show me is that he can STILL be a complete shit to me, and I DID make the right decision in leaving. Not that I'd ever really doubted it.

But Christ, that hurt.

[Mermaidwaves]

@KurtWilde
I'm fuming for you! how can these men be so utterly lacking in empathy and common sense? We deserve better than to be their 'learning curve' so they can get it right next time round!

We gave them children, looked after them and this is our reward. I too have seen my ex doing day trips and taking part in domestic stuff which I had to beg for and in the end gave up. It does hurt to see them do this stuff willingly for their next partner but not for us.
Here's to us and moving on to better things

[Mermaidwaves]

This also makes me cynical if I do ever meet anyone else as what if he was a shit to his ex wife but wants to learn from his mistakes with me? I'm probably jumping way ahead here but I would hate to think of some poor woman and her DC watching that charade and hurting like me and my DDs are.

[CrumpetStrumpet]

@KurtWilde Jesus fucking Christ. I'm so sorry your ex said that to you. What a shockingly self centred, uncaring knob end