Abusive DH

(22 Posts)
Lonelybrit Wed 13-Oct-21 20:53:01

Name change for this. My DH is abusive, severe emotional abuse & sometimes physical. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve told him I want him to leave-he won’t (rented joint tenancy) I have 3 DC, I really need to be able to stay here for their school etc. Is there any way that he can be made to leave?

He is very emotionally abusive (think slag, four eyed fucker, council estate scum & many more) he has threatened to tell my work lies so I would lose my job. He pushes me around- fully admits he does this as opposed to hitting as that would leave a mark! Without meaning to sound dramatic I at times have seriously feared for my safety. I know a punch hasn’t come yet but it will if he is triggered enough.

He gives the impression to everyone that he’s a lovely guy but he’s in fact a bully. I’ve told him recently that he’s abusive & I will report to the police- he says why would they believe me? He’ll say I’m abusive etc etc.

Any advice re housing?

OP’s posts: |
Cloudyzebra Wed 13-Oct-21 21:02:56

I'd go ahead and report to the police. They will have seen men like him before. He is wrong to think they won't believe you.

redastherose Wed 13-Oct-21 21:46:01

Report to the police, and contact women's aid they may be able to help give in-depth advice into how to get him to move out. If the police help you could go for an occupation order and get the tenancy moved into your sole name.

Lonelybrit Thu 14-Oct-21 05:40:25

Thank you. Does anyone know how difficult it would be to get an occupation order?

OP’s posts: |
isitweds9thseptyet Thu 14-Oct-21 06:05:51

Tell you employer you are being abused and about to do something about it so not to be surprised if he makes trouble. And that if he does you want the police calling.

SortingItOut Thu 14-Oct-21 06:57:02

Speak to women's aid in your area, they often have solicitors they recommend for help with occupation orders.

They are not too hard to get.

I would speak to your boss also and let them know what he is like.

Start writing down everything he does so you have a record.

Have you got any support from friends or family?

Lonelybrit Thu 14-Oct-21 08:45:45

My work are aware to a certain extent as previously I have disclosed something & they involved a safe guarding lead for vulnerable adults, unfortunately I then bottled it. I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m embarrassed by it. Thank you for all the advice, I will look at contacting woman’s aid to speak re an occupation order.

When I first met DH I heard through the grapevine he was abusive to his ex (thought it was her being vindictive- stupid me!) thought this could possibly help in my favour with police/occupation order etc?

OP’s posts: |

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isitweds9thseptyet Thu 14-Oct-21 12:15:35

Can you do a Claires law request?

Lonelybrit Thu 14-Oct-21 13:01:34

It wasn’t reported abuse unfortunately. He’s got no criminal convictions for anything. She told a member of his family after they split.

He’s said in the past because there is no evidence as such it will be his word against mine & he’ll tell the police that I’m the abusive one. I know he’s probably using scare tactics but even so confused

OP’s posts: |
Echobelly Thu 14-Oct-21 13:03:56

Well done on starting the process of leaving. Ignore his threats about police not believing you or him messing up your career (agree warning work he's likely to try to shit stir because you are going). Good luck - get all the advice you can, get all your ducks in a row and get rid. flowers

Justcallmebebes Thu 14-Oct-21 13:29:06

Next time you feel at all threatened by him, and it doesn't have to be physically, call the police. They will remove him and should arrest him. One of the conditions of his bail will be that he doesn't come anywhere near you or the property. That will give you time to change the locks and get his stuff out.

You have to bite the bullet and be brave. Do you have any family/friends support? He's a bully and they usually backdown when confronted or you stand up for yourself. Good luck

SummerWhisper Thu 14-Oct-21 13:40:17

Just to reiterate, because you appear unsure: the police see this so often, they expect it (she's abusing me! I'm the nicest bloke you could meet! She hit me first! Etc.) It's part of their training to unpick the abuser's false accusations and they will observe straight away who is the vulnerable one.

Ring Women's Aid and the police. Exercise your rights.

Good luck 💐

maskface212 Thu 14-Oct-21 13:48:11

YOu can contact several places for free legal advice:

1 Rights of Women
2 FLOWS
3 NCDV

Contact any of the above for advice and help.

You can also do it yourself for free: www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

Lonelybrit Thu 14-Oct-21 13:52:39

Thank you so much for everyone’s advice. I have just done a live chat with woman’s aid (first step!) I’ve never typed or said the words my husband is abusive. They have signposted me to support groups & help in my area. They also mentioned an occupation order.

I have my mum but I haven’t told her that much as she worries. When I did tell her something minor she was awake from 5am worrying confused i have good friends who would be supportive but I’m embarrassed to tell them.

My youngest is only 8 months & my Gp thinks I have post natal depression & has prescribed anti depressants. He doesn’t want me to take them. I’m due back to work next month & have worked there along time so I know they’ll support me. I just need to talk to people.

Re: police. How do I report? Shall I go to the station? Or online?

Thank you again.

OP’s posts: |
Nidan2Sandan Thu 14-Oct-21 18:01:00

Are you in council or a housing association property? If you are call them, and ask for help. I work for a HA and we have a specific domestic abuse team.

Lonelybrit Fri 15-Oct-21 05:51:58

I’m in privately rented. Woman’s aid have given the option to approach the council to say I’m unintentionally homeless due to DV.

OP’s posts: |
CloseYourEyesAndSee Fri 15-Oct-21 06:12:45

You would definitely qualify for housing but it would be emergency, randomly situated and probably quite cramped for a while. You would probably get put in long term temporary after a few months which would just be a regular private rent but leased through the council or they might help you into your own private rent again.
If you really want to stay put you should do the occupation order and application to court for his name to be removed from the tenancy. Harder in terms of dealing with him while it all goes through, easier in terms of not moving.
Remember either party can unilaterally end a tenancy by serving notice so watch out for him doing that to screw you over. Maybe contact the landlord if you're on good terms and explain what you are trying to do. On the plus side if he serves notice you could possibly persuade the landlord to give you a sole tenancy to start the day your joint one ends. You don't want to try that yourself (giving notice then starting a new sole tenancy) as he could take you to court if he was minded to and rightfully claim you're depriving him of his home without due process.

anotherdisaster Fri 15-Oct-21 11:45:17

How long do you have left on your tenancy?

Lonelybrit Fri 15-Oct-21 13:08:23

My tenancy doesn’t run out until August 2022. I do have a good relationship with my landlord.I really don’t want to go down the option of emergency accommodation unless I absolutely have to.

OP’s posts: |
DrReginaPhalange Fri 15-Oct-21 15:58:21

I would speak to womens aid. Thats an aweful situation to be in! i think it would be better if you could move to your own place, as if he moves out he will stilll view your place as his home

Spanglemum Fri 15-Oct-21 16:09:23

Take the anti-depressants and make plans to leave.

girlmom21 Fri 15-Oct-21 16:09:53

He doesn't want you to take your antidepressants. Use that as an excuse to go back to your GP. Disclose everything to them. They can help.

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