Why can't we touch/cuddle without it leading to sex?

(175 Posts)
Wedowonder Wed 13-Oct-21 07:08:23

I'd like to survey to find out if my relationship is normal.

My DH has a high sex drive. I'm not so high, but we DTD more than average (I think!) Once a week intercourse and 3-4x a week other foreplay.

I am sad because we never touch, never cuddle, never have any physical contact, unless it's sex. 😔

He says he can't cuddle me without getting horny. Therefore we can never just have a cuddle and chat. It always progresses to sex.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with him. But it does put me off whenever I do go to touch him, hug/cuddle that it always turns into sex.

(In the past he has woken me up regularly in the night for sex too. Especially if I touch him in anyway. Sometimes just out of the blue. I've told him that this annoys me and he hasn't done this in a while)

OP’s posts: |
Youcancallmeval Wed 13-Oct-21 07:10:36

I don't speak for the nation, but when I was married, one shag a week would have been a slow week.

Wedowonder Wed 13-Oct-21 07:11:11

Sorry really morning post.

How normal does this sound?

Is it common to not cuddle? Or for every cuddle to lead to sex?

OP’s posts: |
SoundBar Wed 13-Oct-21 07:14:42

My DH has said this too.

The difference is, he doesn't pester me for sex or make a fuss over it.

My DH is able to cuddle me with a raging stiffy, and not force me into any kind of sexual contact. It stays in his trousers because he's an adult who can control himself.

Personally I fucking hate it, I swear to God it wasn't like this pre-DC. However, at least my DH still fancies me and will cuddle me if I ask.. so it could be worse.

sospspsp Wed 13-Oct-21 07:15:46

I don't think sex once a week is very much.
Can you have an agreement to have more sex, but only every other day...so you can cuddle without it leading to sex on the non-sex days?

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:18:13

The problem isnt whether it is normal or not. Normal is a huge range and depends on the people.

What is a problem is that it is clear that his higher sex drive and desire for sex takes priority. His need for it to always lead to something has trumped your need and desire to be cuddled and be emotionally intimate without it leading to sex

Is it just this one area that his needs trump yours

Tiramiwho Wed 13-Oct-21 07:18:20

This would piss me right off.
Waking you up in the middle of the night so he can basically relieve himself? Fuck that. 😠


Quartz2208 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:19:10


I don't think sex once a week is very much.
Can you have an agreement to have more sex, but only every other day...so you can cuddle without it leading to sex on the non-sex days?

so in order to get a cuddle she has to agree to more sex than she wants

Guavaf1sh Wed 13-Oct-21 07:21:35

But once a week IS infrequent. If you think him wanting it more often implies he has a high sex drive I can see the issue

tintodeverano2 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:23:25

Once a week isn't much at all really...

Have you actually spoken to him about it?

Somuddled Wed 13-Oct-21 07:25:07

I wouldn't consider it normal to need all physical intimacy to lead to sex. For me that would be a very sad marriage and not one I would stay in. I love sex with my husband but I also love all other forms of physical closeness with him for actions in themselves not just as a way to build up to sex. Snuggling up outside by a fire, stroking a neck as we watch something, lying on his chest listening to his heartbeat while he reads, hugging while waiting for the kettle to boil...if I couldn't do thoes without it having to lead to sex I wouldn't be with the right person.

Shelddd Wed 13-Oct-21 07:26:00

@Quartz2208 , maybe he doesn't want to cuddle either. Neither is more important than the other. That's how marriages work, there is compromise you have to find middle ground.

But ya once a week is infrequent for people who regularly have sex but obviously is a lot compared to couples who are rarely/never intimate any more.

But anyway the thing that stood out to me was 3-4x a week foreplay but only sex 1x a week. That's highly unusual, maybe sex is uncomfortable for you (just a guess) and that's why you are okay with sexual contact but not intercourse very often. If that's the case maybe you should communicate that if you haven't.

Somuddled Wed 13-Oct-21 07:28:12


I don't think sex once a week is very much.
Can you have an agreement to have more sex, but only every other day...so you can cuddle without it leading to sex on the non-sex days?

OP has clearly stated that they have sexual contact 4-5 a week. It's just piv that is once a week.

StarlightLady Wed 13-Oct-21 07:30:54

Once a week sounds quite infrequent to me. But that is not the key issue here is it?

On occasion, I have said to someone that they can wake me later if they want, but otherwise being woken up is not on the radar and is unacceptable.

I’m quite a tactile individual though, and want lots of cuddles too.

Both of you really need to communicate. Maybe this would lead to a happy more realistic frequency for both of you. That’s without being woken up.

TolkiensFallow Wed 13-Oct-21 07:34:35

Once a week is not a high sex drive. More than once a day is.

Rainbowheart1 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:36:28

Sex and intimacy are two different things. I couldn’t go without cuddles and affection so would be telling him to up his game or less sex as I’m a human and not a rag doll.

Quartz2208 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:42:28

But @Shelddd that is exactly my point - there is no compromise here. He has said that he doesnt want to because he wants sex. Which she does but also wants the cuddles.

At the moment it all seems driven by his need to have sex rather than her need to have intimacy alongside that. Compromise is needed in order for it to survive I agree but that doesnt appear to be having.

Rainbowheart1 has nailed it sex and intimacy are not always the same thing (they can be). At the moment for him sex is covered but intimacy is not.

girlmom21 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:43:48

Does he cuddle after sex?

Unanananana Wed 13-Oct-21 07:45:38

Anyone that woke me up to use me as a wank sock would lose their balls.

I wouldn't want 'more regular' sex with someone who thought it ok to deprive me of sleep.

philosopherspebble Wed 13-Oct-21 07:47:23

Why are so many people saying they are only having sex once a week? They are having sex almost every day. Sex isn’t just PIV. OP, I’d hate to think that every time we had a cuddle it would end in a blow job or something.

EnidFrighten Wed 13-Oct-21 07:47:44

By foreplay, do you mean handjob, blow job etc? I count those as sex. You're having sex 5x a week, just not always penetrative.

He can't show you physical affection without expecting sex as well? Screw that. Can he have a wank then settle down for a cuddle? If not, get a cat and a new fella who can control himself

MadameMonk Wed 13-Oct-21 07:48:33

Your relationship version of an average week might be balanced out by mine?

10 years of sexless cuddles. Not my preference. Drove me insane (and I’m not really exaggerating). It finally was the reason we recently split. Just to give a different perspective!

Now I’m enjoying the smorgasbord of libidos out in the world (nothing crazy, but it’s an eye-opener). A small point- foreplay 3-4 times a week would definitely count as ‘edging’ in my world now. It’s a thing, it’s getting quite popular, but I don’t think it’s helping your cause. It’s almost guaranteed to keep full sex ‘on the table’ between bouts.

Have you considered scheduling in a longer weekly/fortnightly session, with multiple activities, to encourage his libido to exhaust itself more? Then you can more easily ‘shut off’ in between, and he has something to look forward to? This obviously only works if you enjoy having sex with him, and if he’s any good at prioritising your pleasure too. I’m certainly not suggesting you capitulate to more of what you currently might dislike.

In the end, you have more of a pestering issue with him than a mismatched libido issue, in my book.

Aria2015 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:48:37

It's I've understood the op right, she has full sec once a week but in addition to this does other sexual stuff (tmi but assuming oral, hand jobs etc...) 3/4 times a week too. So she's doing sexual 'stuff' most nights... I think that is frequent. Especially if you have kids etc...

Aria2015 Wed 13-Oct-21 07:48:49

*sex not sec

Wedowonder Wed 13-Oct-21 07:53:08

Yes, just to clarify.
We do do oral sex etc probably 4+ times a week. (I called it foreplay by mistake)
PIV once a week minimum.

OP’s posts: |

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