Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Am I being precious or is this the end?(83 Posts)
Just wanted to ask for other people's opinions as I'm not sure if it's me or him!
Been with bf for just over a year, enjoy his company and when it's good it's really good but there's been a few problems lately and last night seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back. Now it's the morning I'm doubting myself and wondering if it's me being unreasonable?
Sunday night bf messages me and says he's thinking about bringing back a takeaway Tuesday night as he'll be working near our fav restaurant and am I interested in coming round to share it. I said yes, that sounds great and we discuss what we'll have.
I've just started a new job, working longer hours and obviously because it's different there's a lot to learn which is exhausting.
Yesterday I'm in my last meeting when everyone starts discussing what they're having for dinner. I initially think, oh no I have nothing in, I'm going to have to stop at the supermarket when I just want to get home but then remember bf is getting us takeaway - woohoo!
I get home, message him that I'm back and ask what time he'll be ready for me to come over. No reply for 2 hours, because as I later find out he's in the pub. Its gets to past the time we'd usually meet and eat when he finally answers " Ha - I'm already home! No Chinese tonight."
I'm totally pissed off! No apology although 40 mins later he messages again to say he'll bring one back tomorrow night instead. It's now late, I'm starving and because I was expecting the takeaway I put off going shopping so have nothing in. I'm tired, hungry and end up just eating various bits of crap that I find in the fridge and cupboards and just thought this is it for us. There's been similar incidents before when he's changed our dinner plans on the same day because he's in the pub.
But now woken up and wonder if I'm acting like a spoilt child? It's not his responsibility to provide me with food. It was my decision not to go to the supermarket because I was so tired and it's not his fault I'm so tired at the moment.
However I just feel that it's just so thoughtless, to arrange to get a takeaway,just not bother and not tell me until its late.
What does everyone think?
Oh and before everyone starts - I live in a rural area where the nearest takeaway is 30 mins away and none of them deliver so I couldn't just order my own when he finally messaged back that he hadn't got the takeaway!
To be fair I would be pissed off.
He cancelled plans without telling you. Its not his job to provide you with a meal. But he had plans with you that in over getting something to eat. Bailed and didn't tell you.
But also, if someone promised me Chinese and then didn't provide it....that would be enough to piss me off
The thing is, whether reasonable or not, is whether you can live with it? How does it make you feel?
Personally I'd feel a bit hurt and unimportant so I don't think you're being spoilt. Keeping your word is a big deal for me and he didn't keep his. If you don't feel like you're getting what you need then that's your line in the sand.
That’s crap. You both made plans to do something and not only did he not show up or tell you that he wasn’t coming anymore, he didn’t answer his phone when you were waiting for him and didn’t apologise when he did finally respond. As an absolute one off I might let it go but if he’d done it before I’d leave. Did you tell him last night how upset you were about it?
Only you can know if it’s worth breaking up with him over this or if you think it’s something you two can discuss between you and resolve.
If you decide to give it a go, make sure you always have a microwave dinner in the freezer in case it happens again.
Does he normally make plans with you and cancel at short notice? Is it a "gf drop round when bf feels like it" kind of relationship?
He just sounds like he's not that into you. Make him visit you from now on
He stood you up because he was in the pub. He sounds like a fairly shitty boyfriend. Why would you be unreasonable to not want to play second fiddle to the pub. He didn't even text you to cancle , just left you waiting.
I think it depends whether it's a one off abd also whether he would do it again once he knows how much it inconvenienced you. It's possible he didn't realise you were relying on what he said snd so didn't have something else to eat.
My parents actually do something similar - say shall we all go out for dinner / get takeaway at theirs on Sunday then I don't hear anything and it turns out they hadn't given it a second thought. I love them to bits but find it very annoying and they are also the kind who are always late.
I think your tiredness has done you a favour @Amithatbad1. It's made you realise he's flaky.
You had a date. Takeaway or meal out makes no difference. It was an arrangement. He didn't answer your calls and was slack in replying. He preferred being in the pub over being with you. Even more galling as he'd made the plan!
It's not your fault you hadn't shopped. Why would you if you were eating out?
Once is a let down. More than once is being a CF.
If he’s generally unreliable and letting you down or cancelling, I would not appreciate it. He didn’t even let you know until it was too late.
If it was a one off I might forgive, if it’s regular, no I would end it.
Your boyfriend doesn't give a shit about you, or probably anyone but himself.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. Sometimes plans have to change but he should have made it a priority to let you know. I also would be pissed that he prioritised a social activity with someone else rather than the pre-planned one he had with you. I’d ditch him but I have no patience for that sort of shit at all!
As I said, last night I was so hurt that I just thought we're done but woke up this morning and imagined us discussing it and just thought I'd sound spoilt and high maintenence, stamping my feet because he didn't bring a takeaway when I was tired and hungry!
That's exactly how I feel, that I'm second fiddle to the pub.
It's not the first time he's changed our plans because he's gone to pub for "a couple". The problem is when it was lockdown we had the best time, he was fun and thoughtful and I just keep wanting that man back. I initially thought that the attraction of the pub was just a post lockdown thing and the novelty would wear off but lately I'm feeling that I'm just kidding myself! There's a side to him I absolutely adore but his flakiness where plans and the pub is involved is just bloody hurtful! I guess I just didn't want to end it because I saw potential but his lack of apology and thought last night has just made me rethink!
I wouldn’t be impressed. It’s not your fault for not having food in when you’d made plans to eat at his. What do you think he’d say if you did that to him?
Next time he suggests something like that wouldn’t you be feeling on edge waiting for him to disappear on you?
If it’s always the pub that comes first, I think I’d worry about his drinking. Also, yes, repeatedly just forgetting you/plans is not great. Personally, it makes my head explode when people make plans and clearly have zero intention of acting on them. The conversation I’d be having with him is a serious one about his relationship with alcohol (and fine, it may just be that the pub is where he hangs out with friends and alcohol is secondary). I’d also be making it very clear that one more ‘I forgot’ will be it.
It’s not just a take away, it’s respect for a plan made to be with you.
I think different people would view this differently and maybe some wouldn't be bothered, but ex h was like this with certain things and after 15 years of saying he'll do things and never doing it, although often just minor things, it was a huge contributor to why I left him.
It gets really frustrating to be constantly "expecting" something as a result of someone saying they're going to do it but it never happening even though you always make plans around it that effect your day. It gets even more frustrating when children get involved and if effects them too! He still does it now but I've learnt to take everything he says with a pinch of salt.
Knowing what I do now I'd probably see if it's something he does again and if so, leave
I'd be pissed off because there's no reason he couldn't have got the takeaway on the way home from the pub or just invited you to the pub for the two of you to get the takeaway together.
The pub will always be a priority. I have an in-law who has always prioritised the local, and a wife and family that's been an afterthought for decades.
As a one off, this would piss me off and would definitely have to discuss it seriously, but I probably wouldn't end it (unless his reaction to the discussion was aggressive or dismissive).
As part of a pattern of behaviour yep it would absolutely be the end, and as you say he's cancelled your plans previously for the pub this is already an established thing!
It's a shame that he has now revealed this side of himself after having such a lovely lockdown time with him, but better now than 5 years down the line!
You're not being precious.
Very rude of him not to message you the change of plans. Did he forget from 3 days previously when he arranged it with you?
That would annoy me but not having any food in for myself would tip me into full-on rage - though on this point, he couldn't have known that, so not his fault. I would tell him I had no food in because of the plans though and would expect an apology.
As for whether it's the end, I guess that depends on whether it's a larger pattern. Occasional thoughtlessness is not a dumping offence, it's just being human. Frequent or regular thoughtlessness probably is.
At first I thought ok so he was wrong but it bits worth ending things over. However my ex was like this. Japped me on an early date for something/someone else. On hindsight he continued to be like this throughout our relationship, I was always second best. So thinking about it he is showing you where you fit in his life, second best.
I would always have enough food int he house to cobble together a meal. I think you are making too much about your food but not enough about the fact that you had arrangements and he stood you up. That is what would annoy me, irrespective of whether there was a takeaway involved.
I think whether it is the end or not, depends upon whether there is a pattern of this type of dismissive behaviour.
You need to call him Today, not text as it can be misunderstood. Call him and explain how you felt, explain that you had no food as you took him for his word and then last night you came home tired and hungry and sad. Then let him speak. Listen for an apology and how/why he wont do it again. If he comes out with silly excuses that's not good. He needs to comprehend how it made you feel and ask him how he would feel in your shoes. He just thinks oh its no big deal... but you need to tell him how to made you feel. Tell him his behaviour is making you question him, is he flaky, can you trust his word. These are important values for you, he needs to know this.
If there is a pattern of behaviour here he needs told you can see it. If he has been told you wont tolerate it and he does it again, then there is a problem. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'
He should now make it up to you and ensure it doesnt happen again. If he wants to be flaky and go with the flow then he can do that without you in his life. Its that simple. We teach people who to treat us. Men will test your boundaries to see what they can get away with. Take a step back and let him feel your absence for a while. Just mentally step back alittle and see how he behaves in the coming weeks.