Feeling stuck - please advise

[Lissilou]

Hoping for some advice as am so confused and going round in circles in my head. Been married 15 years this month and together 17yrs. We have 2 amazing children aged 12 and 9. Husband is kind of like a 3rd kid - he likes his lie ins, PCs / gaming etc. He will always be found trying to sneak onto a screen just like the children. He doesn't do housework, cook or clean and his personal hygiene isn't up to much. He never makes plans to do family stuff or plan holidays or take the kids anywhere.
I get told I'm a nag when I try to get him to do a few chores etc. I'm sick of picking up after him. The laziness is one thing - but 'in a nutshell' he is also emotionally unavailable, unsupportive and self engrossed. This sounds harsh without examples but examples just sound like I'm moaning / being a 'nag' like he says.

Crux point came approx' 3 yrs ago when I was having some anxiety issues / worries and wanted to talk things through. We went out for dinner - my parents had the kids and I asked him if I could talk things through with him to clear my mind. He told me that night that 'He had no room in his head for my issues'. I felt embarrassed and shut down. I had built up courage to ask. I stopped wearing my wedding ring some time ago but he hasn't commented.

He's quite short tempered and angry and little things set him off. He was the breadwinner and I have a small 2nd income - until 3 weeks ago when he got fired. Before children we both had equally paid jobs / careers but then my main role became parenting.
He has - all these years earned good money doing quite cushy jobs imo. He's well qualified and clever but, well lazy is the only word I can think of.

He's hated his last 3 or 4 jobs and always wants to quit. He got fired for not hitting targets three weeks ago and is so pleased as he can now spend 18 hrs a day creating and selling digital art which is all he now talks about. What about the mortgage????

I have told him I'm unhappy a couple of times but he brushes it off like there's nothing wrong. I asked him to leave around 18 months ago - mainly to shock him that I was serious about being unhappy. He brushed it off. Then Covid hit and here we are.
Just over a year ago and obs during Covid I had two big family issues within the same week. I'm from a very close family. We had a death and also a terminal diagnosis (my lovely Dad). I can hardly bear to type this and am struggling to understand Dad will be going.
My husband doesn't mention it. He sees me cry sometimes and talks about something unrelated instead (usually the cryptic art thing which I don't give a toss about). I'm trying to be strong for Mum and now Dad can't drive (and Mum doesn't) I take Dad to his appointments and help with shopping / banking etc. I have my pt job and the children (one autistic so needing a little more time / attention) and all of the housework.
The main sadness tho is to do with the fact that my feelings / anxiety / sadness isn't validated and isn't something for discussion.
I am sorry to say that I am starting to resent him. I want to make it work. I don't want the family broken up.
I thought if I got somewhere local to rent for me and the boys it would shock him that I'm serious and make him evaluate stuff.
I got inheritance money from my family member who passed' so I could afford some rent. It'd be (hopefully) short term but most are unfurnished and long term tenancy.
My Mum (and Dad) said I could stay with them. Mum 'gets' my plan but their house is smaller, Dad has a lot of needs and my autistic son is very loud. They love my husband but see that things have gone wrong.
We have a great house here. It needs some work but my inheritance would just about cover this. Can't envisage spending all the money on the work though when it may be needed to cover mortgage and living etc now that we are without a secure income. Work was supposed to commence end of this month :-(
Had wanted it done for Christmas to have Mum and Dad over . The main issue is more long standing though.
Is it me? Should I just get on with it? I'm so confused. I can't sleep well. I'm worried about how Dad will go, how Mum will be, how we all will be. Anx' playing up again. Thoughts spin. I have some amazing friends but I come home to my husband - on the screens - obsessed with the crypic art - and football - and tales from his uni friends.
In the last year I saw my family member dead and in a not nice way. I saw my Dad have a septic seizure on our staycation to make memories and kissed him goodbye in the ambulance in the middle of the night - not allowed to go with him. Mum beside herself. Brother, aunt, sis in law, cousin all sat up for news. Husband stayed in bed. Had a lie in in fact. Feel like i'm going nuts

[EmmalineC]

Leave. Go to your parents. Help your mum look after your dad, I'm sure she will appreciate the emotional support if nothing else. Let your family support you through this.

Your husband sounds like a complete loser. Don't spend your inheritance on doing up the house. Stick it on the market, get rid of it and get rid of him.

[girlmom21]

I'm sorry you're going through so much.

He doesn't care about you. He has no time, respect or consideration for you.

You say you want to make it work. Why? I'm guessing it's because your marriage is all you know?

Leave. He won't go so take the kids and go and be with your lovely family. You deserve to be around people who love and appreciate you. You deserve support and acknowledgment. You deserve so much better.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

There are marital assets rules surrounding inheritance. As far as I can remember inheritance is the individual's and not a marital asset UNLESS they put it into a marital asset - like paying off a mortgage or home improvements. I'm not 100% sure on this so obviously get legal advice ASAP before agreeing to anything.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Oh and leave. He's a twat.

[BlueSlate]

God. Leave him. He sounds awful.

[Sid077]

He sounds awful and long term I would definitely be making plans to leave but right now would it be a massive upheaval for you with your Dad’s illness and supporting your mother plus financial uncertainty? Can you decide in your head to live separate lives (he doesn’t need to be told again) and have counselling to cope with what’s going on day to day for you.

Mentally check out of this relationship but still have him there for practical stuff like not having to be concerned about childcare for your Dad’s appointments / school drop offs. Be open about what’s going on in your relationship with your friends so they can support you just postpone the separation until it’s a better time for you personally is my advice.

Also keep your inheritance you will need later on.

[Frostine]

I now have an ex h , because of almost the same. Was going through a very bad patch mentally , and subsequently was doing a form of self harm. Admitted it to him as first port of help , and was told I was disgusting and never to mention it again to him.

[freeatlast2021]

@Lissilou I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. I totally understand as I went through something similar and have recently separated. I would suggest, if possible to start counseling, individual, for you. This helped me tremendously to figure things out, to sort through my feelings and facts and realize what is going on. Only a few sessions in I realized that I did not want to stay with my husband and a little over a year later we separated.

[Lissilou]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I really do appreciate your thoughts. Dad's health and treatment is only going to get more complex. I feel I will need more support going forward, not less. I'm not a teary person but I could cry every day if I think too much. I'm worried that if I 'lose it' mentally I won't be able to be positive and happy in front of the children. Thanks again for your responses. Really good points and I feel a bit less like I'm going insane just knowing that its not just me asking too much. x

[layladomino]

You aren't going insane, you're just in a mad situation.

Your husband doesn't show you any love or respect. He is lazy, entitled, self-obsessed, not remotely intersted in you or your children, unsupportive, dismissive, mysogenistic, immature, treats you like a household appliance that just has to keep looking after him and not complaining.

You say
I am sorry to say that I am starting to resent him. I want to make it work. I don't want the family broken up
I'm amazed you're only just starting to resent him. I resented him after a paragraph.

Why are you frightened of leaving him? You would be happier. Your children would be better off (your current model of a relationship is surely not one you want them to aspire to?)

He provides zero support to you, practically or emotionally. In fact he does the opposite - he saps your energy and makes you feel unsupported and unloved.

[Lissilou]

@Frostine

I now have an ex h , because of almost the same. Was going through a very bad patch mentally , and subsequently was doing a form of self harm. Admitted it to him as first port of help , and was told I was disgusting and never to mention it again to him.

I just wanted to say Frostine - I think it's awful that your ex husband did this to you. Mental issues are just as serious a problem as physical illness - and many times moreso For him not to help as your husband must've only made your illness worse. I sincerely hope you are in a good place now mentally.

[beautifulview]

I’m in the same boat with similar issues. Although my husband does do the housework. If we didn’t have kids I’d leave but I just don’t know how to do it. You have a support system so in your shoes I’d use it. Go see a solicitor and find out where you stand. You can then take it from there

[Maxiedog123]

I would be planning on leaving in the medium term, its just a question of when is the best time for you.

[IrishMel]

I would either get him to leave the family home or go to your parents or rent but anything is better than this situation as he is making things worse.. Get legal advise before you do anything or ring citizens information etc. He should be supporting you with the housework, kids, and be a friend and a shoulder to lean on but he sounds so selfish and vile and he is making you ill and anxious. So sorry to hear all the pain you have been through and going through. Understand as been going through the same and have a family member terminally ill also. Ring Women's Aid also get advice as this is emotional abuse. How did you put up with this for so long, kids be better off out of that situation. Please be kind to yourself and talk to someone also as you need some support as you are carrying so much yourself. I would not spend money on the house now. Get legal advise, go away for a few days to your folks as you can only think clearly when you have the space to do so, but your gut instinct has been telling you a long time that this is not right, you have done nothing wrong. So shocked he is so crap. Please look after yourself and put yourself and the kids first now. He will never change.

[Lissilou]

Its been a while since I posted this - about 5 weeks.
I've still not done anything about this 'situation' or said anything to him about it.
I have 'mentally checked out' as suggested - in fact I think I already had - although it felt quite relevant to me to make that realisation.

I'm considering showing him this post (but maybe not the responses) as I feel that I was able to put down everything going on much easier than saying it out loud.

Would this be a big mistake??????

I have showed close friends the post and this has helped people close to me to understand the situation - So why not him?

[Aquamarine1029]

I would leave the miserable bastard but I don't think the time is right to move two children into your parent's home. You need to find other living arrangements.

[IknowwhatIneed]

I feel I will need more support going forward, not less.

He isn’t a support to you, in fact I’d guess he’s draining your emotional energy in just keeping the kids and house together. I don’t think showing him your post will help, he’s not engaged, not emotionally available to you and that hasn’t changed despite you telling him. From what you’ve written it seems like you think it’s because he doesn’t understand rather than because he’s unwilling/unable to support you but if he doesn’t understand by now, he’s not going to.

I’m in a similar situation, and am leaving after 30 years, I should have left 15 years ago - don’t be me. Think about what you want for yourself, you deserve a partner who is truly a partner, who cares, supports you and is on your side. He can’t or won’t be that person and for as long as you’re with him you won’t find someone who can be those things for you.

[layladomino]

The problem with showing him this thread is that he already knows he doesn't pull his weight or show you respect, and he doesn't care.

Any adult would know they are pushing it and being selfish and unfair. Plus you have told him in the past. He already knows.

I don't think he's capable of change (doesn't want to as he has exactly the life he wants), certainly not permanently.

I honestly think you would do better just to leave. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and I bet he isn't on a forum somewhere worrying about his wife and marriage.

[freeatlast2021]

Dear OP I totally agree with the others, you would achieve nothing by showing him this thread. People like him simply do not care enough to listen, really listen and so even if he read what you wrote here he would not get it. This was one of the realizations that did it for me. I realized one day that my now ex simply does not listen, care, wants to change, so what is the point of me trying to "explain" things. No matter what you do or do not say he will not change and you will not make your exit easier. Just come to him and say it in as few words as possible, "I am not happy in this marriage and I want to separate". Every time you feel down and you doubt yourself just say to yourself, "I am not happy in this marriage and I deserve to be happy".

[Gerwurtztraminer]

I'm considering showing him this post (but maybe not the responses) as I feel that I was able to put down everything going on much easier than saying it out loud

Firstly, so so sorry about your Dad, that must be so very hard to come to terms with.

Your husband has already demonstrated what he is like. Your seriously ill Dad left in an ambulance leaving you distraught and he stayed in bed and had a lie in. He's not responded to your tears, your need for help, love and support. Why do you think showing him your post will change that? He won't 'understand' any more than he already does, because he's choosing not to.

I think you know the only option is to start planning how and when you leave. Is he still not working? So how is the mortgage and bills being paid? If that is from savings and your income then you need to act fast before it's all gone. And to protect your inheritance to secure your children's home and future.

It's hard to accept but in your heart you know he is going to let you down OP. In the middle of such a terrible family crisis he's not stepped up and he won't now.

Your friends and family sound kind and supportive. Use them for the support you need and start making plans for a new future.