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I Was in the Wrong- How to Move Forward

54 replies

Jampolyroly · 10/10/2021 08:32

I want to start by saying I do realise my behaviour was wrong, and I don't blame him for being pissed off.

My partner has been working a job he absolutely hates during the day and doing a 2nd job most evenings...on those days he's doing about 13 hours. He got the 2nd job because while we can jointly cover all our bills as a household, he has a few things to pay off separately and wanted more spending money- this was what I was under the impression of.

Yesterday was my baby shower. Turns out he'd given my friend a fair chunk of money to cover things, and my best friend who lives away who had originally not been able to come turned up...he'd driven to get her especially. I was obviously over the moon and feel so lucky.

While I had my baby shower he went for drinks with his mate. They'd set a £30 budget and he was going to get the train home or I was going to get him if it was before DD was in bed.

He ended up missing his train. I'd been made aware of how much he'd spent and while super grateful was mortified because he has a debt due this coming week and knew if he spent out on a taxi he'd not have enough to pay it.

I woke DD and went and collected him...he was absolutely smashed (I don't begrudge him...he's been working hard)...but I ended up double parking and was really anxious about where I was. Once he knew I was there he took a while to come out and I was agitated. He got in the car and he asked if I was pissed off- I said I wasn't overjoyed at ending up coming out but didn't say too much as he was so drunk.

He went off on one. Rightly so along the lines of..."after all the money and effort I've spent on you and you make me feel this? Do you know how much I want to kick off right now?? Go live with my sister?? Fuck you"

At home once DD was in bed he was yelling at me. I tried to apologise as I hadn't meant to come across as ungrateful...I was just tired and maybe hormonal? Turns out he's lost his 2nd job from not being able to work as he was picking my friend up instead, he's spent all the money he's earnt so can't pay his debt (I will now have to pay this), he's so frustrated he wants to smash the house up, noones made him feel as small as I did when I picked him up, how I don't appreciate him, I'm incapable of tidying our house (I'm no domestic goddess), my friend who he picked up didn't stay long enough for the time and money it took him to go get her and how fucked off he was, and that she'd told him about when I was engaged to DDs DF (my ex) I'd not been given a ring (he knew this) and mocking me about it (it happened 6 years ago). Even said he was jealous that I'd agreed to marry such a twat who couldn't give me a ring but I was grumpy with him after all the time and effort he'd spent on me.

I apologised profusely as I swear I didn't mean to seem ungrateful but can absolutely see why he felt how he did. We eventually went to bed and he sort of shrugged and "accepted" my apology. But how do we move forward now? Everything feels different. Sorry for the essay.

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Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 10/10/2021 08:43

I'm not sure you're in the wrong here OP.

Did you ask him to pay for the baby shower and to pick up your friend? Even if so, unless you put him under undue pressure, you have nothing to do with him losing his job, he should have prioritised that. He should also have budgeted so as to pay off his debt installment. Sounds like he spent a lot on booze which could have gone towards that even if he did want to pay for the baby shower.

I think he is slow in learning to cut his coat accordingly and is blaming you for the outcome of not doing so.

He owes you an apology, for threatening to smash up the house and mocking you about past relationships. Stand firm here. If he has spent money he doesn't have and you are expected to clear up the mess (pay his debt) then he's some cheek expecting to be appreciated for it.

Sounds like he's frustrated and feeling small generally but this isn't your fault, he needs to face issues head on, not try and keep up a front by spending money he doesn't have and then taking it out on you, especially in front of your child.