Problems in bed made my OH obsessed with my past

(189 Posts)
JLA19801 Sun 26-Sep-21 16:24:31

Apologies for the personal nature of this - it’s a bit of a tough subject for me to talk about but I’m driving myself crazy!

My OH and I have a big issue in our relationship owing to the fact that I am unable to climax via penetration only. I have tried explaining to my OH that I have always had this problem, and in fact has led to years of disinterest in sex for me in the past.

My OH however thinks that I am lying and says that the reason why I have this problem is because of my past (the number and size of men I have slept with). To be clear, I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but I don’t have a significant past and this is all in his head. He has gone so far as scouring through my Facebook and seeing that I used to go out with friends and on holidays to say that I’m lying to him, and that he thinks that’s evidence that I used to be a ‘slut’ (his words) and that’s why I can’t now come through penetration alone with him.

It’s become a massive all consuming issue now - he then drinks and calls me all the names under the sun, is scouring through my past which is irrelevant to me as it didn’t cause my problems now. If I say he is being selfish he turns it on me and suggests I have something to hide!

I feel like I’m going crazy! I shouldn’t have to justify myself in this way….or should I? It’s important to me that he knows I want him and desire him, but I also can’t change the way my body is and he is so wrapped up in how he feels about it, he won’t try what’s needed to make things improve!!!

Any advice? Tia

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 26-Sep-21 16:26:52

The only advice you need is to leave this man, immediately. He is horrible and abusive. Run for your life.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 26-Sep-21 16:27:35

Yes. That is a very, very easy one.

Dump the twat immediately.

How dare he judge you, call you a liar, invade your privacy and continue to act like a total pillock?

I am not sure I'd want him within 3 feet if me. His misogyny is clear, his lack of respect for you even more so.

He REALLY isn't a keeper. Throw him back.

Ughmaybenot Sun 26-Sep-21 16:28:09

None of this is on your head, and honestly if it wasn’t about this, he’d find another ‘reason’ to be vile to you. You need to leave this awful man, he’s deeply abusive.

Glitterandunicorns Sun 26-Sep-21 16:28:32

Hi OP. This is absolutely an issue with your OH and not your problem at all. You have done nothing wrong.

There are loads of people who can't climax in this way. It has nothing to do with your number of sexual partners, or how well-endowed they may have been.

I very very rarely say this, but LTB. He is abusing you (again, I don't say that lightly) and I can't see how you're going to move past this (or indeed why you should).

Best of luck, OP.

AttaGirrrrl Sun 26-Sep-21 16:28:59

Wow. I felt my vagina clamping shut at the mere thought of someone who couldn’t be arsed to give me pleasure, but blamed me for his laziness. The name calling, obsessive searches of social media and general shiftiness are just the cherries on the crappy cake aren’t they? Does he have any redeeming features?

DelphiniumBlue Sun 26-Sep-21 16:30:03

i'd say the relationship issue is that he is horrible.


Donotgogentle Sun 26-Sep-21 16:30:06

Last study I read, only about a third of women report orgasm through penetrative sex alone. It’s not a “problem”.

By the by though, he’s abusive and you need to end the relationship.

gamerchick Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:07

It's not a problem. Orgasms through penetration alone arent that common I don't think. Those blessed with the g spot in just the right place are lucky.

Advice is only to dump the twat for being an abusive dickhead. There's nothing else to say OP.

thesearelaughterlines Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:17

I would fix this problem very easily

Leave this ignorant twat immediately

Nanananani Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:20

Firstly, it’s not a ‘problem’ - that vast majority of women cannot orgasm through penetration alone.

Aside from that he sounds vile so please consider LTB

StarCourt Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:30

Seriously you need to get shot of him. Sharpish.
More than two thirds of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex. You're the norm!

MintJulia Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:33

First explain to him him that 40% of woman seldom climax with penetration only. I Don't. It's completely normal.
Then explain that there are lots of fun things he can do to resolve the issue smile
Then if that doesn't help tell him to get his ego under control. Then if that still doesn't solve it, ask him to leave.

I'm really giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Personally I would have kicked him out the moment he called me a slut but I suppose it might be just ignorance !

dementedpixie Sun 26-Sep-21 16:31:41

What an arsehole
I'm sure most women don't climax from penetrative sex alone so it's not a 'problem' you have, it's quite normal.
Dh makes sure I have an orgasm first before we even have sex so I get pleasure too. Tell him he's the problem, not you!

arethereanyleftatall Sun 26-Sep-21 16:32:19

Why, on Earth, are you still with him?!?

Literally makes no sense.

He treats you like shit.

What has gone so wrong in your life that you think any of his behaviour is in any way acceptable??

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo Sun 26-Sep-21 16:32:20

Jesus - just block him - do not even discuss it with him. No understanding of female anatomy and highly abusive. Please just leave and block don’t even lower yourself to explain

Mamette Sun 26-Sep-21 16:33:55

Loads of women can’t orgasm via PIV alone.

It isn’t a “problem”. Your “OH” (actually you are a complete person by yourself but I get this is just a turn of phrase) is wrong.

MsAwesomeDragon Sun 26-Sep-21 16:34:16

Dutch him. He's obsessed with your past rather than making the effort to change what he does. I hope you haven't put up with this twat for too long.

heyday Sun 26-Sep-21 16:35:39

Many women cannot climax during penetrative sex alone. We need to have the clitoris stimulated as well usually. He has the bloody cheek to call you a bloody abusive! Have you used your lack of reaching an orgasm as a reason not to have sex? Is that why he thinks he is justified in being a bastard?? If you really want to try and resolve the issue with him then perhaps buy some sex books and do some research on female orgasm. Personally i'm not sure I could sleep with someone who is doing what he is doing to you.

TheChip Sun 26-Sep-21 16:36:59

Leave him. He is a horrible person and an abusive arsehole

Lettitbee Sun 26-Sep-21 16:37:10

I think many (possibly most/all?) struggle to climax solely from PIV sex. Clitoral stimulation is the easiest way to help this along, either before, during or after penetration. I wouldn't say you were unusual at all, or really should see this as a problem. Hopefully a sexual partner will want to ensure you both enjoy yourselves and take hints from you as to how to achieve this.

I do agree with other posters thought that it sounds like you've got more problems than this in your relationship. Your OH does not sound like a very nice person. Telling you that his poor sexual technique is somehow your fault is not pleasant and digging around in your past is just plain sinister.

If women could be somehow affected by number or size of previous partners' penises (I think this is what he is implying) then how does he think the vagina copes with a baby's head passing through it?

Ashitaka Sun 26-Sep-21 16:37:13


The only advice you need is to leave this man, immediately. He is horrible and abusive. Run for your life.

totally agree

Aquamarine1029 Sun 26-Sep-21 16:37:35

Loads of things should be deal breakers, and being called a slut is near the top of the list. Raise your standards and dump him.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand Sun 26-Sep-21 16:38:34

Leave him.

This won't get any better.

LaBellina Sun 26-Sep-21 16:39:39

You’re completely normal and he’s an abusive unhinged twat. LTB

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