Apparently I’m not good enough for my partner

(85 Posts)
mummytoisla1987 Sat 18-Sep-21 23:00:00

Hi all, currently 7 months pregnant and been struggling terribly with feeling anxious and down. This pregnancy was not planned (morning after pill failed) and it’s been tough. My relationship is very good and my partner supportive..after years of having low self esteem when I was younger, had in recent years been feeling good, although lost some confidence in myself since being pregnant and struggling to walk due to my legs and back , it’s been a struggle!!

Had to go visit a friend today, who’s husband always makes snide remarks (thinking he’s funny) but today was the worst!!!! He literally sat there on front of my partner and friend and out of NOWHERE started saying how ugly I was, how my partner could do better then being with me as he is good looking, and how in fact he would be better picking any random women off the street and they would be better then me… I was mortified , usually could handle it but I’m feeling really low as it is… it was so bad we both left their house sharpish…now I’m wondering how awful /ugly I must be and how he can do better. Horrible feeling since I’m away to have a baby. Even OH said he was really shocked by how awful he was being to me for no reason and that he wasn’t surprised that I was so upset, as it was just nasty and not funny at all. Not first time it’s happened but this was the worst by far.

My OH says the guy was probably mean as he’s insecure with me being friends with his wife (I’m her only friend) … I do know the guy IS very insecure, he’s nearing 70 years old, not exactly attractive himself and with my friend who is only 37 years old..she wants kids but he’s too old so he can’t.

Even knowing this it’s thrown me that anyone can be so mean, thinking they are being funny. To be honest, I don’t think
Im as ugly as he was saying, usually told the opposite and never had any trouble getting male attention (not that it matters much). I’m not fat and although I’m told I look very young, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. More importantly I treat people well and always try to be kind to everyone.
I honestly don’t think I can go round there again as every time I go round his comments get worse and worse. How would you handle this?

OP’s posts: |
SpittinKitten Sat 18-Sep-21 23:01:46

I would never go round there again. What a nasty arsehole that man is.

E11en Sat 18-Sep-21 23:03:06

Wow, I'd say that was a lot of projection there. He isn't ''good enough'' for his girlfriend.

What is she doing going out with a man of 70? My friend once dated a man older than my dad due to her low self-esteem but it's over now thankfully.

You sound like your self-esteem has improved. Maybe your friend isn't in the same place. If she can sit and listen to her ''boyfriend'' being so nasty.

I would give them both a swerve. You're not absolutely obliged to maintain every single friendship.

xx

Lindy2 Sat 18-Sep-21 23:09:12

Did no one tell this horrible man to shut his mouth? What did your partner say? He should have defended you.

He sounds vile. Your friend at 37 is crazy to have married him.

Don't visit again. He's the one with the problem not you.

notacooldad Sat 18-Sep-21 23:14:18

Your partner sat there and listened to it before leaving.
Why?
Dh would have been fizzing and has always been my biggest supporter and would not have tolerated a sneering n'er do well mocking me.
Why didnt your DP have your back?

Aquamarine1029 Sat 18-Sep-21 23:18:39

You just sat there and listened to this shit? You knew where the door was, walk right out of it, and never go there again. Obviously. The man is unhinged.

LawnFever Sat 18-Sep-21 23:19:09

What a horrible man! I would never see him or your ‘friend’ again - why didn’t she tell him to shut up??

Disregard everything that came out of his pathetic mouth, it’s all his insecurities and nothing to do with you whatsoever.

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SassyPants Sat 18-Sep-21 23:23:15

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

altmember Sat 18-Sep-21 23:24:12

The bloke sounds like a complete tosser, and their relationship is so fucking wrong. I'm struggling to imagine how I'd react if someone said something like that to my partner in my presence, but he'd probably be lucky to keep his teeth!

And if you think the stuff he says to you is bad, imagine how he speaks to his poor wife. In what circumstances would a 37 women who wants kids be with a bloke of that age?? She's obviously trapped under his spell (must be an element of coercive control in there at the very least). He must've run her down so far that she thinks she can't do/deserve any better than him.
Big clue is she only has one friend, and he can't even tolerate that.

Make it clear to your friend that you'll always be there for her, but you'll never grace his presence ever again.

RandomMess Sat 18-Sep-21 23:26:07

Yep the man is trying to get you to ditch your friend so she is completely isolated from all friends and family.

Controlling coercive arsehole.

I hope your friend leaves.

thanks

Quitelikeacatslife Sat 18-Sep-21 23:28:55

Stick with your friend but don't see her around him. What a dick. Hopefully your friend doesn't get pregnant to him

LunaAndHerMoonDragons Sat 18-Sep-21 23:30:37

SassyPants

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

This. He's abusive and trying to isolate your friend so she has no support. It's nothing to do with your appearance. I wouldn't blame friend for not sticking up for you, she's in an abusive relationship, if this is what he does in front of others it'll be much worse when she's alone with him.

HaroldMeeker Sat 18-Sep-21 23:33:55

Why are you even considering for a moment that this bitter, spiteful old man's words might have even a miniscule grain of truth? They don't. You know they don't. You're under no obligation to accept abuse like that, meet your friend outside somewhere in future, without his miasma of misery polluting the air. If she won't spare you his miserable presence then I'm afraid you may need to avoid her for your own sake. You matter too.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sat 18-Sep-21 23:37:31

Agree with pp who say he's trying to ruin the friendship to isolate his wife.

You say that you had to go round there today - could you not have met up with her elsewhere?

CassandraTrotter Sat 18-Sep-21 23:38:00

A 70 year old bully of a man is married to a 34 year old woman and is successfully isolating her from all her support network. He is clearly abusive.

How did she end up married to him with that age gap?
What did she say when he started abusing you?
What did your oh do / say?
What did you do / say?

mummytoisla1987 Sat 18-Sep-21 23:46:53

Hi all, appreciate your responses everyone, it is very helpful ❤️ I know it seems like my OH never stuck up for me at the time, but he is really very supportive (just a very quiet personality, hates confrontation so in those type of situations he generally will just keep his mouth shut as he can’t find the words.)

I’m trying hard to not internalise this and make it question why my OH is with me. But timing wise it couldnt be worse as I was already having issues with my confidence since being pregnant 😢 it’s definitely made me think there must be a reason he is saying these things. It’s so embarrassing as thought I’d put immature remarks behind me since being in my mid 30s. I would never dream of saying anything like that to anyone. 😫

You are all right, I should’ve just walked out straight away, wish I did!!! I agree with you that I shouldn’t go back there again, and I won’t. Will just have to be honest with my friend 😕

I do wonder why my friend is with him but she obviously sees something in him, she can do better… the whole relationship seems very odd to me. I do feel that he’s likely very insecure due to the huge age gap.

OP’s posts: |
DifficultBloodyWoman Sat 18-Sep-21 23:47:15

Send her a text or email:

Dear Friend, your DH made so many nasty and negative comments about me today that I left your house wondering how we could ever stay friends. On reflection, I now wonder if he deliberately said those hurtful things to damage our friendship and drive me away. I have noticed that you are now quite isolated from your friends and family which can be a sign of coercive control. I would like us to remain friends but perhaps it would be better to meet without Dickhead in future. If you need a friend to talk to, I am always here for you. Love, MummyToisla

thelastgoldeneagle Sat 18-Sep-21 23:49:15

What did you say?? I'd have shut him down quickly and told him how rude he was being, then left. Your h and friend should also have spoken up. What a dick.

notacooldad Sat 18-Sep-21 23:50:42

it’s definitely made me think there must be a reason he is saying these things
Of course theres a reason he is saying those things
1 , he usca cunt ( and I never use that word
And 2, it sounds like himecus cutting your friend off from her friends

mummytoisla1987 Sat 18-Sep-21 23:51:23

My friend never says anything when he starts saying mean things, she literally just sits there and ignores it.
I usually ignore it too, today I tried that tactic but couldn’t really ignore it, so instead I called him rude and then said we would have to leave, which we did a few minutes later. 🙈

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Sun 19-Sep-21 00:01:57

SassyPants

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

Absolutely this.

He has been rude before and gone back for more so he has to be blunt as can be.

This is to chase you off.

Don't take it on board and keep contacting even more, to piss him off.

That your partner would not challenge this should be your concern.

Your friend sounds dim and desperate to be accepting this.

Don't take it onboard but have a look at that partner of yours.flowers

Pinkbonbon Sun 19-Sep-21 00:03:52

SassyPants

He's trying to get rid of your so your friend is completely isolated and has no friends. I know it's hard to convince yourself but this has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with scarring you off so he has complete control of your friend. I'm sure you're gorgeous.

Absolutely this.

I would text my friend and tell her that in future you will not meet her with him present but that you don't feel a friendship is worth ending over some guy and that you can always hang together at yours in future so that he isn't there.

Nancydrawn Sun 19-Sep-21 00:08:07

1. Everyone else is right--this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his relationship with your friend. (And just being a dickhead to begin with.)

2. I wouldn't be thrilled that my partner hadn't stuck up for me if he saw that I was vulnerable, just as I would if he had been vulnerable. You should probably have a gentle, non-accusatory talk. But my guess is that he was unsettled, surprised, and awkward in the moment, not agreeing in any way with this awful man.

3. Finally, please don't take this to heart. I'm sure that you're lovely. Don't let this cruel and inadequate man damage your sense of yourself.

Miliao Sun 19-Sep-21 00:13:23

Agree with the above. You could be a supermodel and he would still say those things. It is absolutely nothing to do with you, he wants to drive her only friend away. I would also echo the above, go round more often, treat him like the joke that he is. Be patronising to his meanness and aggression. Treat him like an old embarrassing relic. When he says something mean, say ‘oh that’s nice dear’, and give a poignant eye roll to your other half. Don’t let him win, he’s the weak one. Just slap a patronising grin on your face and change the subject as soon as spouts his insecure bullshit.

HotPenguin Sun 19-Sep-21 00:27:55

I think you must looked very lovely, beautiful and kind sat in a room with that bitter old git.

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