To Tell DH about the "real" me?

(132 Posts)
Sharkano Fri 17-Sep-21 21:12:41

I know we all have a past, even him, but I've come to a point where I feel like my life is so far removed from who I was before DH, that I need him to see/realise why I'm so unhappy in this role. I haven't felt like me in almost 10 years.

When we met, I told him I had a bit of wild past and would have shared the details, but he told me that he didn't care about any of it and loved me for who I was when we met. But, because he doesn't really know who I was, I feel like he doesn't really know me.

I had a lot of sex, very experimental, partied all the time, had some crazy flings and relationships, got in trouble a few times and suffered with some horrible mental health issues. He doesn't really know who I was or the details of any of it.

We met after I'd spent a year focusing purely on my career, I'd put myself on a man ban, hadn't partied for a year and knuckled down. I met him during a short chapter of my life when I didn't really have a life other than work. He was quiet, dependable, safe, 8 years older than me and still a virgin in his mid-thirties. I found it endearing, he was lovely, but looking back, I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Within a year we were engaged, married shortly after with a baby on the way. It went so quickly, everything happened so fast. He was extremely close to his overbearing family who took over, he loved nothing more than spending time with his parents and I lost myself within the confines of his life and the expectations for me to go along with everything, spending hours a few times a week listening to his mother's problems and her visions for our family. She even suggested we move into a home close to theirs.

I now have 2 kids with him and other responsibilities. We have a non-existent sex life. DH is now morbidly obese, I feel wild if I eat a large bar of galaxy when the kids are in bed. I see friends sometimes, go to the gym, play with my kids who I adore and my life centres around. His family make underhanded criticisms towards me and I get to sit and listen to them bigging up their wonderful son who everybody seems to love (not sure I do anymore).

I'm glad my life isn't wild like it was before, but I'm finding myself missing elements of it, primarily the passion. Now that DCs aren't babies anymore, I'm looking around thinking "where is me in all of this?" I've told DH I'm unhappy and need so much more love in our lives, but he says he's content without. I've told him we should probably divorce but he says he doesn't want that either. He's older than his years, doesn't know how to have fun, doesn't joke, doesn't laugh, takes himself far too seriously. His family are all serious too.

Part of me wonders, if I tell him the truth, tell him what really makes me tick, the fun and passion that was in my life before him, maybe he would realise that I'm not who he thought I was and that really, unless something changes we would need to part. I want him to know about me.
I want him to see that this monotonous, no-fun life he's sketched out for us- it just isn't me.

Or is it just not worth it? Because it wouldn't change anything?

OP’s posts: |
EvenMoreFuriousVexation Fri 17-Sep-21 21:23:33

The only thing that's going to achieve is to give him a stick to beat you with.

he fell in love with the person you presented as, at the time. That was not the true you.

Anyone who is a virgin to their mid 30s has got issues of one sort or another. Some sort of sexual trauma. Deeply unhealthy attitudes to sex, often rooted in religion. Terrible relationship models. Or simply asexual.

do his parents have a similarly passion less relationship? Do you want your children growing up thinking that's normal?

PlanDeRaccordement Fri 17-Sep-21 21:25:19

It sounds to me that you are working up to a “it’s not you, it’s me” way of starting a divorce. As in, you feel if you tell him your history, and how wild you were that he’d then think you want to leave because you’re too much a free spirit to stay.

When it’s not really you, making you unhappy, it’s life with him making you unhappy. You must be very kind to take on blame like that and not want to hurt his feelings. It probably seems the right thing because you know from their constant criticism of you, that his family will blame you anyway. So why not play along?

The problem is the DC. Would taking on this blame then make them grow up thinking you are at fault for leaving their father? How will you handle this?

It’s not a bad idea. It’s the path of least resistance and the important thing is you are not trapped in an unhappy marriage. My only concern is that you might be setting yourself up for him and his family to alienate you from your children. If this is the case, it may be harder but giving your husband the truth that you need to leave and it’s because life with him that is miserable could prevent future alienation from your DC as they mature.

Sharkano Fri 17-Sep-21 21:26:41

I'd say he was quite prude, had low self esteem and was body conscious. Very deep rooted issues. I didn't know that he was a virgin until after we'd had sex.

Yes, his parents have been in a passionless marriage for many many years.

OP’s posts: |
altmember Fri 17-Sep-21 21:28:37

No don't tell him. At least not in an attempt to fix your broken relationship, because it won't help. And despite him saying he doesn't care about your past there's a real risk it'll completely alienate him if you say too much now.

I'm not sure what positive advice I can give you, because I simply can't relate to a man who has no sex drive. I guess him being obese doesn't help, but maybe he has low testosterone or something as well?

Bluntness100 Fri 17-Sep-21 21:30:04

Op if you want to leave yout marriage you can. You don’t need to tell him stuff to make him end it.

And you’re not that person, you are you. How you’ve been for years.

Echobelly Fri 17-Sep-21 21:30:12

I he cares about you at all he should let you go, it's not up to him to say he doesn't want to separate. It just needs one of you to want to separate and you have plenty of good reason - no love, no sex, no fun. You are entitled to all of those things, it's not for him to keep them from you because he doesn't want to split, it sounds the idea is too much effort for him, but he's gonna have to deal.


parietal Fri 17-Sep-21 21:31:33

so what are your plans to leave? do you have a job? money of your own? you need to decide if you can live like this for the next 20+ years and start making plans for something different.

ILikeYourHair Fri 17-Sep-21 21:31:51

So basically you want to self sabotage, throw a handgranate into your life.

If you want to do that, then do it.
If you want a divorce, get a divorce.

He isin’ too boring and all thise other things you listed, he’s family isin’t overbearing, you just want out.

PermanentTemporary Fri 17-Sep-21 21:32:32

It sounds as if you want to make him feel something, even if it's pain, misery and jealousy.

You loved and married him and he never pretended to be anything other than what he was. I don't think you did either, but it's easy to discount the stability you have achieved and unconsciously think it will still be there, even if you find a wilder life.

He deserves that you work this out a bit more. I would strongly recommend a very experienced therapist for you. And tell him you're going to therapy.

I get it, I think; after my husband died and I had got over the shock I had a crazy year or two when I did nothing but fuck strangers and sext. It has spoiled me a little bit for ordinary life and I sometimes miss it. Luckily I also wrote a journal while I was doing it which reminds me of all the negatives; the number of times the sex wasn't all that, the lies, the fear of disease, the plain fear of locking myself in a room with strangers. My lovely new bf doesn't know the details and I am not going to tell him. However, I do make sure I get what I need sexually and he is enthusiastic, so that's z big difference.

I do think you need to work this out with yourself and preferably a therapist before ending your marriage.

OrangeTortoise Fri 17-Sep-21 21:37:23

OP, I'm not sure that telling him is a good idea. If you want to end the marriage - end it. But won't telling him this make him feel that your whole marriage was a lie? I feel that's unnecessarily hurtful. It's not his fault that you made yourself out to be someone you're not. I think you should just go down the "we've grown apart, I don't feel the same way about you any more" route.

Sharkano Fri 17-Sep-21 21:37:40

We have been in marriage counselling but unfortunately, DH has said that it isn't for him. I've continued having counselling on my own.

OP’s posts: |
Biancadelrioisback Fri 17-Sep-21 21:40:33

Most people have had a life before their current partner. My DH doesn't know half the shit I got up to and vice versa. I don't need to know the details because that's not who he is now.
We have never hidden things from each other and would be open if asked but tbh, without his history, he wouldn't be who he is now, and that's the man I love.

If you don't want to be in your marriage, don't be in it. Don't put the gun in his hands and force him to pull the trigger.

DingleyDel Fri 17-Sep-21 21:41:58

I think he fell for the idea of me and didn't actually get to know me at all. He had his life set up- owned a family home already and just needed a woman to slot into it. I was attracted to the stability he represented and his calm approach to life along with him- he seemed lovely.

Tbh it sounds like you fell for the ‘idea’ of him too. You rushed into having a marriage and kids and you were never really compatible. I think you need to take some responsibility here too. You can’t change him now so you have to decide on your priorities.

RantyAunty Fri 17-Sep-21 21:42:56

You don't need his permission to leave.
He's boring af and over enmeshed with his mother and you've had enough. It won't a bit of difference what you say to him about your past or how he is. He won't change.

If you really want to leave see a solicitor and find out what you need to do.

greenlynx Fri 17-Sep-21 21:43:29

Don’t tell him. He would be able to use it against you in case of divorce to argue that you are bad mother and so on.
It’s not about who you were, it’s about you not loving him anymore and not wanting to continue your life together. Divorce him as amicable as possible and try to get yourself back.

gncq Fri 17-Sep-21 21:45:34

To be honest I don't think "the real you" matters anymore, I think you basically grew up.

It doesn't mean the real you isn't who you are now.
We all change as we get older and our priorities evolve as we do. Christ I partied for days on end in my twenties too. I wouldn't think it's really particularly relevant anymore now I'm in my fourties and a mum.

You do sound extremely dissatisfied and I'm not surprised given the description of your husband.

You shouldn't stay in marriage that's basically making you unhappy. However, dragging up "I used to party all the time when I was young and slept around a lot" isn't really going to solve anything. Also, you're not going to get anything like that lifestyle back either if that's what you're secretly hoping? You'll only end up meeting a series of dodgy losers through OLD and you'll wish your life was normal again!

That aside, what do you want to do right now? Do you genuinely want a divorce?

Sharkano Fri 17-Sep-21 21:46:37

I'm already quite far long in seeing a solicitor etc. I work and can support me and the children but would need to move and sell the house to buy something smaller. I know how much mortage I can borrow and roughly how much deposit I'll have to put down after the sale of the house I'm in. It's just doing it.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Fri 17-Sep-21 21:50:11

If you need permission, have it. It's clear your marriage is over as he refuses to even hear you put properly, refuses joint counselling.

The sooner you split the sooner you can find yourself and move forwards.

Surely observing his parents marriage has you running towards divorce!!

HollowTalk Fri 17-Sep-21 21:50:11

Please don't give him or his family a stick to beat you with. Good for you for having a man ban earlier on. I think you need another one for awhile as well. You have one life. Live it without him.

Sakurami Fri 17-Sep-21 21:50:16

OP, regardless of how it started it isn't working for you now and hasn't for a long time (don't blame you). You don't need his permission to leave him.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 17-Sep-21 21:54:32

Light a fire under your solicitor and get out of that miserable marriage. Telling your husband about your past with accomplish exactly nothing, and will more than likely just cause you grief. This is not a man to confide in, you know this.

RantyAunty Fri 17-Sep-21 22:02:12

It sounds like you are ready then. It's Ok to leave. You've told him you're unhappy and he knows why. I don't think there is anymore to add to it.
Pick a date next week and call it your independence day.

curiouslypacific Fri 17-Sep-21 22:10:40

But you aren't who you were years ago any more either. Most people would feel stifled in a relationship like yours, regardless how wild their past was.
You've tried counselling, it didnt work. You aren't sharing your past to try fix your relationship, merely hasten it's end, but it will only serve to cause more anger and pain. In this case I'd say press ahead with the divorce but keep your powder dry. Don't give him amunition to use against you, be that in the courts or with your kids. Divorces where parents feel angry or betrayed are so much worse for the kids caught in the middle. Don't set that bomb off in your relationship for their sake, if not yours.

Esspee Fri 17-Sep-21 22:11:54

Leave if you are unhappy but I see no reason to tell him about your past.

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