actions speak louder than those 'three little words' - don't they?

[bigmyrrhstrikesagain]

Ok so i know it's late and there are alot of MN people out partying and everything but I have been pondering this question.

My dh and I have very different backgrounds. He a very small close knit family (only child), me a big messy family (5 siblings). My dad was a big scouse bullshit merchant (from a family of entertaining Scouse bullshitters) and my Mum has a very poorly concealed manhating streak. Sooo suffice to say though my family is good for affectionate pisstaking, being late for things and generally being disorganised... communication of our feelings was never a strong point. We all 'knew' we loved each other ('cept mum who wasn't too keen on dad - but that is another story) - but tend to show it in the way we related, and helped each other - rather than say I love you and hug and kiss all the time.

My dh on the other hand is very good at saying I love you etc. he does say it to me several times a week and always greets his parents with kiss and so on.

Am I a cold fish for not wanting to say 'I love you' at the drop of a hat - I think overuse devalues it and I prefer to put my love into the dinners I prepare, the cups of tea and thoughtful gestures iykwim? That sounds lame but hopefully I am making some sense. I get pee'd off with dh for using his ease with saying I love you as some kind of superiority in the relationship stakes - I would be more impressed if he did the washing up w/out being asked or whatever.

So do actions speak louder than words - or am I too reserved????

[pantoinghousewife]

No, we don't hand out 'I love yous' willy nilly in this house either (except to the dcs). But I know dh loves me and he knows I love him too.
Different people are just...different about those sorts of things.

[Maidamess]

You sound like me! My family never said ILY either. But my dh's did. So he says it ALL the time. But I show it all the time.

Unless he's got a problem with it, do what feels right for you. Do you tell your children you love them? I think thats the most important! Even if you feel you have to 'force' yourself to say it(not force yourself to feel it, obviously!)

I feel not saying ILY ,and household task sharing are two differnt topics however.

[TrinityRhino]

I totally agree with you bigmyrrh
we dont just abdny it about either because we just know we love each other

we say it to the kids all the time though like pantoinghousewife

loveing both your namechanges

[TrinityRhino]

and I can spell loving

[eyesfront]

There's a book and website called Love Languages, which is a bit OTT but the basic principle is that there are a number of different ways we show people we love them, and that we tend to judge other people's love for us in the same way. I think you will find that your love language is Acts of Service while his is the Spoken Word (i can't quite remember, you'll have to look it up). Anyway, if you are speaking different languages then things may come adrift and resentment can boil up in time - especially as some blokes can be pretty dumb at reading the signals. He probably doesn't realise that all those cups of tea mean 'I Love You' and doesn't realise that getting a cup of tea tells you he loves you more than saying it does.

No harm in you learning to speak his language too though - say 'I love you' when you hand him that tea. Especially if you do.

[bigmyrrhstrikesagain]

well yes I do lots of love you's to the dc's - I know people have different ways. But i want mine to be the right way![stamp feet]

me and dh are both stubborn b'tards who always think 'we' are right - so it is a bone of contention (among all the others).

[pantoinghousewife]

Oh thank you TR and can I take this opportunity to say, you've always been one of my favourite mners

[PrettyCandles]

What you're saying makes sense...yet...

My dh is from a typically Northern family, mine is Mediterranean. I would love him to say I love you more often, and not just when we're making love. Particularly now, as our lovelife is pants because we're so tired (non-sleeping ds2), he never says it, and I need it. I know he loves me, he takes care of me and is completely committed to me and the LOs, but I would dearly love him to voice it from time to time.

If you say I love you to people whom you don't necessarily love, yes it is cheapened. But it is not devalued when the person you love is the recipient - any more than it is cheapened by telling your children every day that you love them.

[unknownrebelbang]

Actions speak louder than words on both sides in this household (in relation to DH and myself).

Like others though, the boys get a lot of I love you's.

Can't say DH is wrong though, sorry, just different.

And much as I know DH loves me, and shows it in so many ways, actually telling me occasionally wouldn't go amiss...preferably when he isn't phoning from a bar in the South of France.

(He also faithfully promised me a weekend in Nice too......conveniently forgetting about a babysitter for the boys, lol).

[bigmyrrhstrikesagain]

thank you Trinity

I am not sure I like the sound of 'acts of service' - though it is probably exactly right - I think I used washing up as an example but I suppose what I mean is general thoughtfulness. Dh is very much a person who uses his excellant communication skills to get what he wants, I am rubbish in this regard and often feel outmanoeuvred. So while he is there with the right form of words I find myself suspicious (a hang up from my mum no doubt - they fuck you up your mum and dad!!) - and therefore probably less receptive to his words whereas a gesture - like 'Darling - you stay in bed this am and let me give the darlings their breakfast' - now that I could truly appreciate - the I love yous would pour out!!

[MAMAZONtopofSanta]

bigmyrrh - i am exaclty the same as you. if i told anyone in my family i loved them clocks would literally stop and everyone would stare at me like i had grown a second head.

BUT i regret the fact that i am like this and tell my children i love them every day. i make an effort to be more affectionate towards my children ( still get embarassed if anyone hears me though)

whilst YOU know your showing your love in the little thinsg you do it may not be as apparant to him.
why not make a deal. you will say i love you to him on 3 occasions a week if he SHOWS you he loves you 3 times.

[bigmyrrhstrikesagain]

You lot are all to bloody reasonable and of course right - I shall go and tell DH I love him forthwith!

Hopefully our dc's will go on to have healthy BALANCED RELATIONSHIPS[GRIN]

[bigmyrrhstrikesagain]

oops darned caps lock sorry trying to type with dd on lap.

so maybe a new thread about a 19mo dd who loves bf'ing but not so fussed about uninteruppted nights sleeping is req'd....