DH and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged almost 3 and 12 months. We met at uni so both have degrees and have subsequently had decent, fairly well paid careers ever since.
Over the years DH has had numerous harebrained ideas such as going back to uni to study politics and become an MP, he got as far as applying through clearing but then backed out when he was accepted. He has also paid for random courses on groupon which he’s never completed and often speaks about business ventures he’d like to undertake. None ever materialise so I think I can be forgiven for rolling my eyes and not always taking him seriously.
In 2019 he decided he wanted to return to uni to get a second degree relevant to his career. It wasn’t necessary at all, it won’t further his career prospects within the company as far as I can see. It was more him wanting to further his knowledge within the field. He decided this in July 2019, his boss amazingly agreed and by August 2019 he had been accepted. When he mentioned it to me I honestly just thought he’d back out of it like he did with everything else but to my surprise, he didn’t.
Ever since it began our marriage has taken a major tumble. When he first started we only had one baby and I’d just returned to work but fell pregnant unexpectedly about 2 months after he started uni. As the Christmas period approached that year he had exams and he was so stressed out, he stayed up all night for a week revising and survived on energy drinks. It really wasn’t a healthy way to live, not even as a young student but he was now obviously late 20s with a young child and a job to go to the next day. We were already struggling at this point but obviously lockdown happened and the rest of the academic year was cancelled.
I’d say the lockdown period last year is the last time we actually got on. We had DC2 July 2020 and we really got on fantastically well until he returned to uni in September. Once he returned and had assignments and exams, it basically all went to shit. Once again he was a frazzled mess, pulling all nighters, constantly stressed out and worrying, spending entire weekends locked away in his study, barely spending time with us. He has no work/life balance at all, if he isn’t at work he seems to be studying at home.
The past 3/4 months have been worse than ever because he’s had numerous exams and assignments due in at a similar time so he’s been pretty much unbearable. He’s used all of his annual leave on study days, we went away for a long weekend to the coast last week and I had to take DC out alone because he stayed behind to study. He rarely helps out with DC anymore, I bath and put both to bed while he sits studying. He had yesterday off work to study so literally sat from the minute he got up to the minute we went to bed on his laptop. I can barely get a word in edgeways because he’s constantly discussing uni. It isn’t my field and not something I have much interest in so I usually have no idea what he’s talking about. I think it’s made worse by the fact he doesn’t only want a second degree but wants to graduate with a first again so he’s adamant he has to do his absolute best on every assignment/exam.
I have PND which is only amplifying my resentment towards him. I’m having weekly counselling sessions and the counsellor has said I need more support from him with DC, a GP told me this too. We moved away from my family before DC1 was born so I rarely see them and I don’t have any friends here either, I’m quite isolated atm but return to work PT in September so hoping that will help. I can’t pin the PND solely on him but have been told women who are both isolated from family/friends and who don’t receive any support with their children are more at risk. I didn’t have PND after DC1 so I’m thinking it’s because he isn’t very supportive.
The absolute worst thing is when people make out he’s some kind of messiah because he manages to work, study and has two small children. FIL is forever saying how proud he is and asking him not to ‘burn himself out’ 
. He’s chosen to study, it really isn’t necessary at all and nobody has forced him to do this. He also doesn’t do very much with DC or housework so he spends the vast majority of his time studying, none of this would be possible without me constantly picking up the slack.
I’m honestly just fed up and I have told him I don’t see our marriage lasting over the next year. I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with his dissertation, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. I’m on the verge of ending our marriage right now because I’m struggling to see past this. I know he only has a year left and if I’ve survived the past 2, I should be able to push myself through the next one but I honestly can’t see a way through right now.
Just seeking some general advice, is divorce the only option? I still love him dearly but I really can’t cope with this. I know a lot of women deal with their OH’s working away for months at a time but I wouldn’t be able to, it isn’t what I signed up for really. He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything. I’m going to spend some time at my Mum’s next week to get a break away from him and clear my head a bit.
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Relationships
Husband’s studies are destroying our marriage
Yelpforhelpp · 29/07/2021 12:21
My view probably won't be popular but if this was me, I'd just get through this year that's left (that's if you can). After that however, I would make it very clear that's where the study ends for a good while and make it clear the sacrifices you've made. On the flip side at least he's working and providing well and passionate about advancing himself, perhaps not what you want to hear. 
He could have done this degree when the DC were older and at school, I honestly have no idea why he chose to do it right now when they’re so small and need help with everything.
Op, it all sounds really really tough. I had very little support with my first, and had pond/anxiety pretty badly. It’s a horrible place to be.
This part I copied from your post stood out to me though. If he did want to “check out” from having to help support you/look after small children at a very difficult and needy phase, well, what a great excuse 
I am quite bitter and resentful, I do appreciate this but I also think this is understandable because he’s taken advantage of me for so long. If I were more assertive perhaps I wouldn’t have allowed him to lock himself away for hours ignoring his responsibilities but it’s easier for me to just crack on with it so I’ve let him do this. If he were a single parent he simply wouldn’t be able to ignore his children for hours while he studied, he’s only able to do this because I’m in the background picking up the slack and it isn’t really fair .
Yes his employer is funding it which is partially why I don’t think deferral will be an option.
When I return to work I strongly suspect everything will remain the same except I’ll also have the pressure of my job on top of everything else. DC are with a CM who fits around my work hours so I’ll most likely collect them and DH’s life won’t change very much…
Separating for his final year may be the only option, I’m just not sure how I’ll cope with him during his final year. You’re right about how much work he has to put in to achieve a first as well. It wasn’t an issue a decade ago when neither of us had the responsibility of children but he’s now trying to do this as a father of two toddlers.
I look back now and think wtf! What must his wife have thought?
Strongly suspect she was every bit as bitter as me 
.
I’d be devastated in all honesty. I really have driven myself into the ground keeping everything together so he can pursue this goal. I don’t know what I’d do if he just left me in the end, I’d be gutted.
That's your answer OP. You're effectively making massive deposits of time and effort into a high risk investment account which is as likely to fail with 100% losses as it is to ever repay 1 single % of the promised return.
I would put serious consideration towards cutting your losses here. This is the "sunk cost narrative" in play. Start investing in YOU.
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