Affairs - How Long Before the Pain Goes?

[BadlyHurt]

I am a regular but do not wish my dh to see this.

Dh cheated 4 years ago, almost to the date. I was pregnant at the time.

I had no clue he was spending time with another until I received a text telling me [from her] that my dh did not want to be with me, he then waited until I had given birth to dd then told me every detail.

He done it because I told him I did not love him as he was hurting me in other ways at the time. I asked him to leave, so I could think through my feelings, he did, she was there waiting.

We have had counselling. I love him but I am unsure if I will ever forgive him.

I cannot drive through the Town she lives in as it makes me feel ill and it is all I can do to stop myself seeking her out and doing bad things to her.

Every time I pass where she lives I think about this.

I still talk to my dh about it but he sighs and says "it was nothing"....

It was more of a friendship than a sexual affair but the pain is still bad.

The ache in the pit of my stomach is still there after all this time.

Will it ever go?

Or do I split up my family and find someone else who would never treat me like this?

[LittleGoldfish]

Sounds like you haven't got over his cheating & never will unless you have more counselling.

Doing nasty stuff to the woman might make you feel better at the time but will achieve nothing.

How is your relationship with him atm?

This is a really difficult one - I hope someone can come along and advise you better.

[jelliebelly]

If you are still feeling like this after 4 years I think there must still be a lot of issues that need resolving in your relationship to enable you to move on - you need to seek counselling if you are ever going to get over this. From the tone of your post I suspect that there may be other issues in the relationship that need resolving too.

[pud1]

my oh had a 6 month affair with a women we were both friends with. we split up for 9 months and sold the house. he carried on seeing her while we was split up and i moved on and stated seeing other people. he came to realise that he had made a mistake and left her, we got back together. that was baout 3 years ago and i am now pg with our first.
i cant say that i never think about her and what happened but i realise that i love him more than i hate her or the affair and you do have to fight with yourself to put it behind you,
i will say though that since we have been back together we talked about it alot for a long time and he has had to do everythibg he can to help me feel secure

[BadlyHurt]

I wouldn't do anything to her now. These are just my thoughts.

Our relationship is fine apart from this one thing.

My dd & ds love dh very much and its horrid to think I would be tearing the family apart but I am unsure if I can move on.

I suffer bouts of depression and this is the one thing I think of. We had been together 7 years when this happened. Throughout the 7 years I told him this would be the one thing I could never forgive.

and I cannot.

My GP would love for me to open up and tell him all about it, but I cannot as it leaves me feeling like a wreck and bubbling like a child.

The counselling was good, at the time but they concentrate on the future and the facts that he loves me and he is with me and not her and he phoned for couselling etc etc.

WoopyDoo!

They do not want to go over the past again and again, neither does dh.

Just me.

[scrummymummy1965]

My Dad had an affair years ago and Mum took him back I think more for my brother and myself as she could see how upset we were although she was distraught herself. My Mum and I rarely talk about it but I get the feeling she has forgiven but not forgotten and still tries to punish my Dad in various ways.

They are both retired now and she thinks that he should not have any hobbies of his own (not that they have any together because they don't). But I think she is still wary of what he is doing when he goes out even after all these years.

In hindsight, I think she should have had counselling.

I hope everything comes right for you in the end. xx

[pud1]

i have just also re read your thread and i dont think he is helping you get over it with comments like "it was nothing". i had to hear alot of detail and peice together alot of the jigsaw before i could believe him. you oh needs to be alot more open with you

[BadlyHurt]

Thanks for your replies I know this can be difficult to talk about, for some.

[pud1]

one more thing.

i did got o her house and drag her out to give her a good slap ( have never had a fight before or since) and i know violence is wrong but it made me feel alot better. have never regreated doing it for one moment

[BadlyHurt]

When it happened, he was very open.

He lied a lot at first and actually made the whole thing out to be worse than it was. He was trying to hurt me and openly admits this.

In some ways I detest him yet I love him.

Strangely enough when I tried to talk to parents about it my mums answer was "Oh ffs your dad slept with a local woman for years and I had to get on with it"!!

I have been offered more counselling, I guess I owe it to my dc to do this.

[BadlyHurt]

I did try that Pud but she hid behind her mother.

Perhaps thats what wrong, I need to hit her. lol

Sorry, I do not mean that [honest]

[windowcleaner]

we were together for 8 years and had 3dc when my dh had a six month affair. its so hard some days but we are getting through it because deep down we really do love each other . as pud1 says- i love him more than I hate the affair. I still think about it most days but the pain is lessening- only because we thrashed out all our issues in many long discussions and some counselling. if you don't deal with it it festers and will not go away.I am so sorry you are having to go through this I really am- and I know how you feel. its so hard to explain to other people how it shatters you, but its up to you to do what you need to feel positive again. good luck

[pud1]

i really do know what it feels like to be so hurt and betrayed by some one you love. you owe it to yourself to make it better.
i still get that feeling if i think about it but a very really find myself dwelling on it.
imo i dont think you will ever forget. i know i wont but i can live with it and i do trust my oh again.

[Columbia]

It isn't only the other woman who is to blame. Your husband had free will and used it to try and hurt you, which he succeeded in doing, badly. It sounds as though he was using her, too..hardly a reason to get nasty with her. Him, yes, definitely a reason to be angry with him!!! But you want to be with him so perhaps you're holding off on getting mad.

Just because your Dad did the same to your mum doesn't make it Ok.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful x

[LittleGoldfish]

The thing is when you suffer bouts of depression you actually think of all the negative and worse possible stuff that has or is happening in your life - it really is awful.

Maybe you need some kind of Psychotherapy? I am sure someone on mumsnet is a psychotherapist maybe she could give you a contact or some info. Hope she reads this.

Good luck.

[BadlyHurt]

I do trust him now. It took a while, seperate rooms and lots of flowers, time out together.

Every now and then though, ie once/twice per week, it pops up, what did she look like? What did they talk about? etc etc.

For the first year I blocked it completely but do feel like ti is eating away inside me.

In my head I know why he did it, how it all came about but I am still so so very angry with him for doing this to us.

bastard, but i love him.

[Columbia]

...what I mean is going and whacking the OW isn't going to stop your husband being a selfish idiot. Plenty of men have the opportunity for sex and don't go anywhere near it.

If you go and hit her, then go home to him, I guess you will still be angry with him. If you try to resolve things with him (and you have every right to ask him to talk about it, you really do - no matter how hard it is for him, it's harder for you) you might get somewhere and find the anger diminishes. The OW is nothing more than a distraction from your real issue which is with your husband.

I suspect she was no more than a distraction for him, at the time, from hs own issues...which he should have had the guts to discuss with the person who mattered, ie YOU.

Forget her and concentrate on him. That is probably the only way.

[BadlyHurt]

I would never whack her now. Although I felt like doing this and worse at the time.

Yes it is him, he lead her on also. She may have been naive but then so are many women.

The problem lies with him and me. I am unsure if there is anything else he could say tbh. I know almost every detail of what they did, what nights they did things, where they went etc etc.

LittleGoldfish - Psychotherapy - what does this involve?

[moljam]

i know how you feel kind of not really(?)with dh it was 'just a kiss'- but i have to see this stupid girl everyday.fun.he dismisses it as 'just a kiss' but it hurts like hell.

[pud1]

you are right columbia but in my case the OW was a "friend" and desearves a slap

[BadlyHurt]

sorry moljam that's horrid. I am unsure how I would cope with seeing her every day.

Actually I know I wouldn't cope. At the time this happend I had a restraining order on me going near her, which I am not proud of.

[BadlyHurt]

We all cope in different ways.

[mellowma]

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[LittleGoldfish]

I don't know much about Psycotherapy but I have heard it is good for people with past issues. Apparantly it brings the past issues to the surface helping and encouraging you to deal with them. I hope someone else can explain better.

[mellowma]

Message withdrawn