Help me to see my own worth and not waiver

(68 Posts)
Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 19:07:22

I'm having counselling. My ex partner I kicked out begining of June for suspected cheating and later discovered drug use. He's desperate to come back, and I did waiver but I now have asked for 1 month of space to sort my head out and make sure I'm making the decision because its right not because I'm scared and his badgering me. I do love him but I really belive his behaviour is awful and I deserve better/he will never change.
He's messaged or called every single day since I asked for space 3 days ago.
I made a list of lies/incidnets since our baby was born who is now 3:
Summer 2018 when I was pregnant on adult fetish site messaging other user for personal photos.
Autum 2018: lying about contact with an ex. Which didn't matter apart from the lie.
Winter 2019: I was away with our toddler and he invited another women to stay in my house. She declined but I saw messaged, he deleted them before I confronted him.
Winter 2020 took another women to an event and didn't tell me about it. Always tells me whose going with for work, so it was odd. He works with women all the time so it was really odd for him to not tell me, I don't care and this person doesn't work for him or in the industry. Agreed no contact with her as I was unhappy and don't work together.
End may 2021 : saw contact on phone as using it as mine was flat with same woman, he then deleted messaged after as didn't know I saw. Just caht nothing sinister.
Early June : took the smae woman away for a weekend event, deleted all contact, lied about who was there and asked our joint friends to lie she was there with him. They didn't and I found out through social media. I threw him out for the lying/poss cheating and later discovered drug use as well.

I know I am a mug, but he's soo convincing that it's all in my head but I know I'm not wrong. The drugs alone and lies are enough.
How do I give my head a good wobble?

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layladomino Thu 22-Jul-21 19:37:26

Keep reading that list. And add to it if it helps. I'd add to it 'Doesn't respect me enough to give me space when I've asked for it'. That, along with the drug use would be enough. You know he has lied to you. He appears to have something fairly long term going with one of the women.

You deserve so much better than him. He doesn't deserve you. Please don't waste another moment on him. There is a much better life waiting for you.

Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 19:40:20

Yeah I know.... I really do. I wish there was an turn emotions off button somewhere as it would make it easier.
He's adament he hasn't cheated and seems to convince me when he talks, but my gut says very different. Hence the madness from the what if voices.

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category12 Thu 22-Jul-21 19:44:02

One of the biggest reasons you shouldn't take him back is you asked for time & space, and he is continuing to ignore you and bulldoze over that.

He's all about what he wants and he's not taking a no graciously.

Don't take him back.

MadMadMadamMim Thu 22-Jul-21 19:45:23

I wouldn't care if there was nothing on your list - the very fact that after you'd asked for one month of head space and he has messaged or called every day since is enough!

These messages from him spell out I do not care what you say to me. I will not listen. Your needs are nothing to me. Your wishes are meaningless. The only thing in life that is important is that I get what I want...even if this means trampling over every boundary you have. I care so little for you that I will ignore every request you make, however reasonable, because you are nothing. I am the only one who counts.

Read that. And then text him to say We are now over. You cannot come back because you could not give me the only thing I asked for - which was space. You do not listen and will clearly never change. We are done.

Then block him.

Journeynotdestination Thu 22-Jul-21 19:47:59

You are trauma bonded to this man. He sounds exactly like my ex. It becomes like a drug. You have to be strong OP, and get some counselling if you can afford it. You are worth so much more than this. 1.5 years in from ending it with my ex and I can’t believe I put up with the anxiety. Your instincts are right & you must move on. Your life will be immeasurably better without him.

Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 19:50:37

I need to google trauma bonding

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WhiskeyGalore212 Thu 22-Jul-21 19:52:48

That's too many dodgy things with other woman for him not to gave cheated.

In terms of him not admitting it, some men could be could literally in someone else and would still claim you got ot wrong, you're mistaken etc.

He must have his reasons for wanting tk keep his hooks in you.

I suppose one would be he looks like a bastars and loser if the mother of his child has kicked him out.
I daresay you do a lot for him and he likes the security and home comforts etc.

Besides some men can actually believe they live a woman but are still entitled to bits on the side. What they don't know won't hurt them, it doesn't mean anything, everyone's at it etc efc

Sine cheaters will also always beg to stay sk the aren't being dumped, they aren't being "rejected", they have lost control.. avd then go back to browsing other people (and more) when they again. If they relationship ends it'll be on their say so, at their leisure - not their partners.

But in any case - too many suspect, didn't incidents with other women, and a lot if lying.

What was the drug use?

He's also showing that he's pushy, selfish abd doesn't respect your wishes continuing to badger you when you asked for space.

WhiskeyGalore212 Thu 22-Jul-21 19:53:19

*be caught

worktrip Thu 22-Jul-21 19:54:25

He is gaslighting you pure and simple. You know it and you know how successful he is at it for you to have lived so long with his lies and deceit. He is good enough at this to convince you when he is talking but away from him you know the truth.

Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 19:55:27

My best friend said gaslighting too. I think better away form him. I am lonely but my anxiety has really reduced

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WhiskeyGalore212 Thu 22-Jul-21 19:57:57

but my gut says very different

Guys are usually right.

They work on a whole other level of instincts and subconscious that is above abd beyond.

Who was the woman he invited to stay in your home when you went away with your toddler?
Do you know her, how does he know her, were you asked or told about it, if not, ow did you find out?

That's only one thing and its made me think."what the fk was going on there?".

WhiskeyGalore212 Thu 22-Jul-21 19:59:27


Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 20:00:18

Not asked or told. I don't know her at all. Again found out via social media.

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Dozer Thu 22-Jul-21 20:01:13

Come on, you know he’s bad news. Being in love is not good reason to stay with a cheating, lying drug user!

You’ve made past poor choices to ignore red flags. You have a DC - and your own best interests - to consider, so can’t afford to continue further down this road and waste yet more precious time, energy and attention on him.

Limit contact to matters to do with your DC.

How is he as a parent? Bet he’s crap at that too!

squee123 Thu 22-Jul-21 20:05:36

Do you really want your child to grow up seeing this kind of behaviour and thinking it's an acceptable way to behave in a relationship? Because if you stay together this is what will happen in the long term no matter how hard you try to hide it. The lack of respect and consideration for their mother will be obvious and they will learn that this is how women should be treated.

samwitwicky Thu 22-Jul-21 20:07:00

You know you're not wrong.

The drugs and lies are enough.

Enough is enough.

You and your child deserve better. This guy has absolutely no respect for you. Read the list again, it's so clear.

On top of which, you asked him for space only 3 days ago and he hasn't managed to respect your request!


YOU deserve better

Pleaseaddcaffine Thu 22-Jul-21 20:08:15

Yep I absolutely do.
He wasn't always like this until I got pregnant, but apparently that's pretty common sadly

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Meeeeesh Thu 22-Jul-21 21:56:17

Doesn’t matter if he wasn’t always like it. He’s shown himself to be a twat. It’s hard and at times your heat will race; you will feel shit and lonely. Get through that and you will feel better. Go back and you’ll feel alright for a bit and then feel shit again. Do it now for a prolonged period of time feel shit, wallow and post here but don’t go back because in the long run you WILL feel better.

OliveToboogie Thu 22-Jul-21 21:58:51

Please please don't go back to him. He is gaslighting you. He doesn't love or respect you. He is using you as he knows you will let him go about with his other women. Please get yourself checked for STIs. You and your child deserve so much better. As soon as you stand up to him he will be off in search of a new victim. He is a bully and a coward. Don't let him drag you down and ruin you and your child's life also.

RandomMess Thu 22-Jul-21 22:03:27

He doesn't even respect you enough to give you the space that you asked for, complete bully. He'll just lie and get better at covering his tracks such as having a burner phone or 2nd sim.

Pleaseaddcaffine Fri 23-Jul-21 07:36:25

Thank you, I've added some other stuff to the list. I've asked my counselling to talk with me about boundaries and ensuring mine are firm ones going forward.
I think regardless of drugs n lies, it's the boundaries that's the killer. I ask for something we discuss it and agree it and then he does whatever he wants anyway be cause my boundires don't matter.
Sad but sometimes a strangers viewpoint helps as it's clearer.
I'll also never know for certain ref cheating as you say, so I have to accept on balance of probabilities it is and live with that.

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Dontforgetyourbrolly Fri 23-Jul-21 07:42:53

He's treated you and your child appallingly but making lists etc is just torturing yourself . I'll take all the emotion out of it for you : he wants the single life , give it to him . Wave him on his way op and have the life you and your child deserve.
And I never buy : but he's a wonderful father. Wonderful fathers do not behave like that.
Use this time to make practical decisions, housing, finance , contact arrangements and packing his stuff.

Pleaseaddcaffine Fri 23-Jul-21 07:49:00

His stuffs out. I did that ages ago 2hen I descroved he'd been away. Packed and delivered to his mother's and he moved the step kids things out a few days ago.
Contact arrangements are agreed buit he's not sticking to them as such and on condition of regular clean drugs tests. Which I am getting. We have a private agreement which he is already wavering on for money so I'll be hitting up cms if he doesn't pack it in.
Practical stuff is done, I earn more than enough to be practically okay. I fortunately don't have a mortgage as own outright in my sole name as bought pre together.
Im just a bit sad n lonely but that will get better.

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Pleaseaddcaffine Fri 23-Jul-21 07:50:10

Yep. Agreed its very easy without emotions. You all right.

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