What to do?

(6 Posts)
Fridaysgirl17 Thu 22-Jul-21 14:55:31

My ex and I have recently ended thing's,he had been cheating on me for months,I knew but had no proof but then the OW started posting pictures of them on his Facebook page so I'd see,along with pictures of our 2 boys,we talked things out and I told him we could try work things out but it would take time,we talked and talked,all the usual I love you,need you,sorry was said a lot but it always came back to blaming me because our sex life was very off on my end,I explained to him I needed some romance not just him getting into bed and trying to feel me up when I'm asleep,just for background I'm home alone all week with the 2 kids,4 year old and 1 year old,he worked away lived elsewhere during the week so by the time he got home I was shattered. Anyway he left us last week for the OW, he was seeing her all the time,I asked him when he had the boys to not have them around her,he had told me she has violent towards him,that she had,punched and kicked him and also broke his phone,she has on occasion shouted at me in front of the kids,when he was meant to be taking the boys for overnight but he brought her and I wouldn't allow it,this was before I knew the full extent of what was going on,I was very cagey with the kids after that,as I feel as their mother I need to protect them,I can't chance them arguing and being violent with my kids there,after a few weeks I relented and said he could have them the Friday night,that's all he wanted, he brought them to her house after my express wishes,and telling me he didn't trust her,so since then I'm not allowing over nights,he has nothing for them clothes wise,buggy,car seats, bottles,formula etc, I've offered multiple times he can come collect them and have them for a few hours alone,but his now GF doesn't like that idea,she's messaged me about the kids and him,the usual,I'm a bad mother for breaking their bond blah blah,he didn't care about the bond when his child was roaring crying for him as he was too busy with her, turning his phone off etc,as I look back I know I was stupid but hindsight is amazing. So we are in court in November,he has a few court dates before then for driving offences I think, anyway he messaged me yesterday raging again because I had the gall to ask him for 100 he owes me,he's said he wants no contact until court, because I said he should want to know how his kids are,I don't understand how a man who claims to adore his children can go so long with no contact because his GF doesn't like contact between us,sad,we were together 5 years and up until late 2020 he was great but he just changed,the kids just didn't seem to be a priority,it was always something else was more important,he doesn't pay maintenance,never has,he never really helped much if I'm honest looking back and was always asking me for money though he got double I did a week,I'm on benefits,he works full time because I gave up work to look after our oldest son,it was agreed between us. I'm sad for the kids but I need to make sure they are safe is that so wrong of me? Sorry that was so long,it's been a harrowing few months 😥

OP’s posts: |
Anon987654321 Thu 22-Jul-21 15:25:15

Someone will be along with better advice in a minute but you do need to protect your children. If you are in the UK make a maintenance claim through CMS and if he doesn't pay it can be deducted at source which will cost him a whole lot more.
Legally I don't think you can prescribe who your children see when they are with their other parent but , as you have safeguarding concerns I think you are doing the right thing; particularly as those concerns come from your DC's father.
This is where someone who knows better will be along to advise but I think if there is an access case concerning very young children CAFCASS do a preliminary report for the court. I hope I am right and this will give you the opportunity to express your fears and also point out that you were not preventing him seeing his children but he was only prepared to see them on his terms.

ahoyshipmates Thu 22-Jul-21 15:33:07

He actually told you that it's your fault he went off and shagged some other woman because your sex life isn't up to much? And you have a toddler and a baby?

What an utter bastard he is.

You and your children are far, far better off without him in your lives. Your dc do not need to maintain a relationship with an abusive father. Or his toxic girlfriend.

Sideorderofchips Thu 22-Jul-21 15:52:45

I'm in jersey so might be different but my solicitor said that because I do 90%of the childcare it is up to me who the kids do and don't see. And as exhudbands ow is mentally unstable and really affected them psychologically (she was my best mate so they knew her anyway) she's been told legally she's not allowed anywhere near them. It keeps them safe.

Fridaysgirl17 Thu 22-Jul-21 15:56:55

ahoyshipmates

He actually told you that it's your fault he went off and shagged some other woman because your sex life isn't up to much? And you have a toddler and a baby?

What an utter bastard he is.

You and your children are far, far better off without him in your lives. Your dc do not need to maintain a relationship with an abusive father. Or his toxic girlfriend.

I know I said to him I'm on call 24 hours a day for the 2 boys and my toddler is extremely active,and then when I tried to initiate affection with him,he said it was silly kissing and hugging,but I needed that he didn't seem to get that,we've been apart about 6 weeks but not really we were in constant contact and working on things,I told him I needed time to work through everything,but I always let him video call the kids,sent pictures etc,I didn't shut him out, he is their father I know that but if I'm concerned for my children I can't ignore that,she's welcome to him,but my children are my everything and any tiny risk to them is too much for me

OP’s posts: |
Fridaysgirl17 Thu 22-Jul-21 16:20:42

@Anon987654321 thank you for your help,I'm in Ireland so maintenance will need to be done through the courts,my solicitor can put in a request for that which will be done next week,and I have read up some about the access etc and if I have a real concern it can be said she cannot be there,look honestly if he'd moved on,don't things properly,not sent me harassing messages and voicemails,her also,I'd be ok with it well in time I would but he even admitted to me in a text yesterday that yes they argue a lot,add that into her actually bringing him to court ,apparently,that could of been a lie but I know the dates etc so my solicitor can check that out for me, for violence (though that he never was,I'll give him that,not once was he violent) and destruction of property,it's just very messy and unclear if my kids would be safe and they are my priority,I'll get over the crap he did to me,but my kids are my all and their safety is paramount

OP’s posts: |

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