My mother is a horrible person

(30 Posts)
blackheartsgirl Thu 22-Jul-21 12:11:55

I've recently suffered a life changing bereavement (lost my husband 2 weeks ago)

I'm in pieces.

My mother who has been very hard work all my life really has shown her true colours the last 2 weeks.

She was good at first very supportive when I needed her as dh was dying. It was a very awful week and she seemed to thrive on the attention that went her way, excited almost. Seemed a chance to show everyone how fantastic she was.(she lost my dad 14 years ago so I thought she understood.

My friend has also been fantastic too, went above and beyond for me and my dd and still is. Very organised and matter of fact as well as supportive and I've leared on her a little more as my mum is 72, disabled and to be honest quite nasty about people

My mum made food for the wake at my house, only for about 15 people, she didn't have to but she insisted then moaned about how hot and tired she was and acted dramatic.

She kicked off at the funeral because she wasn't allowed to swap pews to be near me in the distancing. Announced very loudly MY DAUGHTER NEEDS ME.
.sobbed dramatically in pauses.

Then the ultimate.. called my friend a fucking bitch because she cuddled me in the hallway of my house at the wake and I broke down.

Told me yesterday I'd get ok on 2 weeks and to get on with it

Pushing me to get on with clearing his stuff and then getting arsy and huffy when I say I can't. Stepdad wants to put up a desk for me before they go on holiday and I'm not ready to clear stuff yet..I've said it can wait till they get back
Then in a really horrible voice..referring to her grief when she lost my dad 'not nice is it's
She was vile to me when my dad died.

Just needed to get it off my chest..I suppose

As the weeks have gone up she's become really cold and standoffish with me because I don't want to lean on her as much.

OP’s posts: |
AbsolutelyPatsy Thu 22-Jul-21 12:15:57

I am so sorry for your loss op, it must be very hard thanks

newdaynew Thu 22-Jul-21 12:19:57

So sorry for your loss flowers

Your mother sounds insensitive. Of course it doesn't take two weeks before you can just get on with it.

That generation can have such different attitudes that it can sometimes leave you shocked at what they say.

Do you still want a relationship with your mother?

MrsKeats Thu 22-Jul-21 12:20:48

Now is the time to be cutting contact to the bare minimum.
Your mum should not be pushing you to do anything at the moment.
Rely on friends for support.
I'm very sorry about your husband.

blackheartsgirl Thu 22-Jul-21 12:34:41

I can barely function at the moment. I feel awful.

I'm trying bit by bit to make sense of everything and the way she has been has very much upset me.

She is terribly jealous of anyone I like or spend time with that isn't her. She was jealous of my dh too. The stupid thing is that in the past 7 years she hadn't wanted to do anything with me anyway..her life is my stepdad which is fine

OP’s posts: |
Steakandcheeseplease Thu 22-Jul-21 12:38:16

Dont talk to her again. She is horrible, really horrible.

OP I'm really sorry to hear about your dh flowers

Surround yourself with people who care about you.

username18702 Thu 22-Jul-21 12:52:24

OP your relationship with your mum sounds really unhealthy. She sounds disordered and sees you as an extension of herself. She doesn't like you to be the centre of attention as that is clearly her place so she made your husband's funeral about her. I'm not surprised you're upset and grief can really bring these kinds of situations to the fore. You are at your most vulnerable and your mum is attention seeking and being quite frankly, awful. I'm not surprised you feel so low.

Have you had any counselling? There is an organisation called Cruse who offer grief counselling. At least that way you can focus on yourself in a safe space which might be helpful:

Don't be pushed into doing anything you don't want to do. A person's clothes, smells, things can be a comfort in times of grief. Don't throw anything away and do what you need to get you through.


blackheartsgirl Thu 22-Jul-21 13:09:31

She came here to drop off my dog.
Never once asked how I am, how the kids were, in fact she hasn't mentioned my husband once since the funeral.

She even had the cheek to say to my daughter on the day of his funeral that this was the saddest day of her life!

Wtaf! My daughter was like so you weren't sad when grandad passed then? She changed the subject . Ugh.

I have contacted cruse, I think I need it, I am struggling

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 22-Jul-21 13:14:11

Am so very sorry to read about your DH passing away flowers.

Re your mother, what the others have written here, in particular username18702's post.

Its not your fault your mother is like this (she comes across in your post as a narcissist, these types like making everything all about them) and you did not make her that way. Leave her to your stepdad (he really cannot be at all relied upon and as her enabler is probably as awful as your mother is) and indeed surround yourself with radiators, not drains on you like your mother. Friends and more distant family will be of more benefit to you at this time.

In the medium term I would suggest reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 22-Jul-21 13:16:09

In the months to come finding a BACP registered therapist who is well versed in narcissistic abuse and recovery could also bring you and your family some real benefit going forward.

Keep yourself as well as your kids well away from your toxic mother.

Sexnotgender Thu 22-Jul-21 13:41:23

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine flowers

Cut contact and protect yourself x

notawittyname1954 Thu 22-Jul-21 13:59:36

100% agree that there is no rush to get rid of anything. Just do it whenever or even if you ever feel up to it. I am so sorry for your loss and the fact its being made worse by your mother's behaviour. If you can't deal with her keep your distance to protect yourself. It's a horrible time and just be as kind to yourself as you can. It sounds like you have great children and a supportive friend.

blackheartsgirl Thu 22-Jul-21 14:09:22

Attila is it a trait of narcissists to get people who don't know her well or have never met to think the sun shines out of her arse?

The week he passed and at funeral and wake she put on a show and dhs family thought she was marvellous and a character and so good (even though dh and myself had told them things that she had done to me and my brothers)

I know people are saying cut contact but it really isn't as easy as all that not when you live in the same village and know the same people.

But i can keep her at arms length.

It took me all day to wash up, house is a tip

Paper work everywhere, can't think straight

OP’s posts: |
HelenHywater Thu 22-Jul-21 14:46:13

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband flowers

I agree your mother sounds very narcissistic. Mine is very similar - very similar scenes to yours both at my wedding and also when my dad died (as well as in every day life too). (similar histrionics and fits of tears, and even threatening suicide - making it all about her). Counselling has really helped me, and ultimately I've cut contact with my mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 22-Jul-21 15:29:38

"Attila is it a trait of narcissists to get people who don't know her well or have never met to think the sun shines out of her arse?."

In a word, yes. You also give an example i.e. how your late husband's family reacted to her.

Would suggest you keep your mother at arms length permanently. She is not a good person to have in your life at all.

IrisAtwood Thu 22-Jul-21 15:41:58

In many ways your mother sounds similar to mine although mine does not have the overt narcissistic traits that you describe.

I have been much more emotionally stable and happier since I cut contact with her and my sister (just as bad) three years ago.

As others have said, try and keep her at arms length. The website Out of the Fog is excellent and has a whole section on tools for dealing with this kind of person:

Topseyt Thu 22-Jul-21 15:46:29

I am so sorry to hear about your DH, and that your mother isn't the pillar of support you really need her to be. She sounds very self absorbed and I would definitely be keeping her at arm's length as much as possible.

As for expecting you to be OK to get on with sorting all of his stuff out and getting rid of things after just two weeks, I find that gobsmacking! My Dad died four months ago and his clothes are still in his wardrobe and his chest of drawers. I think my mother is only now starting to get to a place where she could consider making a start on the job, but there is no rush at all.

You may need to tell her to bugger off.

PurpleMustang Thu 22-Jul-21 16:07:26

So sorry for your loss. Don't let her push you into opinions or doing things before you are ready. Make sure you talk to people before doing things so you know you can be sure you have looked at things from all angles while you are still in your cloud of immediate grief. I have heard people mention WAY Widowed and Young which is meant to be a big help. As you mentioned she is going on holiday which will give you a break and can then keep her at arms length once she is back. And also keep your door locked with the key in (if she has one), so she can't turn up.

TrueRefuge Thu 22-Jul-21 16:33:42

@blackheartsgirl Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, what a difficult time you must be having flowers

While your mother sounds awful and abusive, I'd caution making any snap judgments that could just complicate your grief.

My father was an arsehole when my mum died when I was an older teen. It's taken me 10 years but I have cut him off now. I always knew it would happen eventually, but I think making those snap judgments wouldn't have allowed me to do it in the right way and I would always be second guessing myself. She's your remaining parent, so it's a huge decision, and I'd recommend you make that decision at a later date. This will also allow you to properly grieve your DH, which is what you deserve to be doing now.

Keep her at arm's length as much as you can until you're ready to think about things properly.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss and for all the extra pain your mother is putting on your plate right now.

blackheartsgirl Thu 22-Jul-21 17:03:38

It just hurts me that she eould make dhs death about her, how hard done by she is, how she is grieving (I think she only met him about 10 times in our 3 years together, he couldnt stand her)

I'm totally and utterly fed up today, the heat isn't helping at all

OP’s posts: |
OliveToboogie Thu 22-Jul-21 17:45:06

So sorry for your loss. Please concentrate on yourself. Your mum is selfish in the extreme quite probably got a personality disorder but you must take all the time you need to grieve. Lean on others and try to be a NC with your mum as you can. You need to put yourself first.

user1471538283 Sat 24-Jul-21 09:17:06

My DM used funerals as a way to get attention. Even my DFs and they were divorced 20 years. No one normal does this.

I would back away from her to give yourself time to recover. Two weeks is yesterday. I'm so sorry for your loss.

user1471538283 Sat 24-Jul-21 09:18:06

Oh and it doesn't matter what it is, it is always about her. Just like my DM.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sat 24-Jul-21 09:27:59

So sorry for your loss OP.

Your mum needs a slap upside the head with a wet bag of shit, in the memorable words of an old friend. you would probably benefit from being on the Stately Homes threads on this board.

noirchatsdeux Sat 24-Jul-21 09:49:40

I am sorry for your loss. To answer your question - yes, narcissists can't stand occasions not being about them and will do anything to draw the focus to themselves.

Last time I visited my mother and brother in our home country (other side of the world) we met up with the tutor who had taught us when we were living in what was then referred to as a third world country when I was 9 to was the first time I'd seen her in about 20 years. We all met for lunch, and as was natural, myself, my brother and tutor got to talking about those times. I remember thinking 'mum's not going to like this' and looked over and she was sat there in silence with a filthy look on her face. She interrupted and bought the conversation back to herself as soon as she could. Even though it was actually more my occasion, as I'd traveled 17 thousand miles to be there, she couldn't bear it. It had to be about her.

Like other posters have suggested to you, I've kept my mother at arms length since I was 23...that's now 30 odd years. For the sake of my mental health I have to.

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