Swallow pride and anger and keep house? or walk away

(64 Posts)
feeficken Thu 22-Jul-21 11:50:11

I don't have anyone I can talk this out with so I just wanted some opinions, DW stepped out of our marriage about 18 months ago deciding she wanted to be with a co-worker she had been texting for months. Quite honestly she's put me through a hellish time bouncing back and forth between me and the OM while living in our house (with me) and at one point I moved out and came back because she wanted to give it another only for her to decide she wanted to be with OM.

The last six months she has been living with me in our home and seeing the OM (she's not paid a penny towards anything). She has finally informed me she is looking to move out in a couple of weeks and in the same breath wants me to pay her the equity that's hers in the house (I have no problem doing that).

Problem is I don't have the money to buy her outright so she said she will take it monthly instead until the balance is paid, I am feeling pretty angry as it is and then telling me she's found a place and that she wants her equity in the same breath and just made me feel even more angry. Its like she's blown up all of our lives and acting like all this is just water off a ducks back, if she'd just moved out and gave me a breather then we could have spoken about what the next step was.

My DC are grown up but have recently moved back home so I have them both here. So do I just swallow my anger and pride and pay her the equity she's owed in the monthly amount OR just sell the house and each take the share and be done with it? The monthly amounts feel like I am funding him and her, I know that sounds stupid and I should rise above it, also just feels like we will be tied to each other for years to come as the payments would be made over the next 5 years.

OP’s posts: |
newdaynew Thu 22-Jul-21 11:56:38

For a new start, I would sell the house. Too many memories in that house and I would feel bound by the monthly payments too. But would you then be able to afford a house with enough space for DC?

PartridgeFeather Thu 22-Jul-21 12:03:10

I agree with pp, sell house, pay her off/split the proceeds and get her out of your life so you can move on. Nothing to be gained from interacting with a person who is prepared to treat you like that. New chapter.

Longdistance Thu 22-Jul-21 12:04:34

I’d put it for sale and drag it out. She can wait for her slice of cake.

Bagelsandbrie Thu 22-Jul-21 12:10:16

Do not pay her a monthly amount without getting legal advice. You could find yourself paying masses of money only for her to then try to claim the half of the house anyway. Be very careful. Definitely get legal advice.

Hanger0n Thu 22-Jul-21 12:10:18

Definitely well the house. Make a new start.

Hanger0n Thu 22-Jul-21 12:10:28

Sell...

Advertisement

Carrott21 Thu 22-Jul-21 12:12:11

I wouldn't trust her with the arrangement either. It would be informal and she could change her mind or deny that's what the payments were. A new start, whilst hard work, would be really healthy. Perhaps you could even get excited about it.

ScrollingLeaves Thu 22-Jul-21 12:13:08

You must be feeling very upset right now and generally it is best not to make an important decision out of ‘indecision’ in this state which might, under the circumstances, be similar to a bereavement.

You might feel very strongly that you’d like to have a fresh start, in which case sell the house. But as you are asking on here, perhaps you are worried this might be wrong in the long term. If this is the case, you could pay the monthly equity for now, but with an agreement that you will review this and perhaps decide to sell later.

If you do the latter, maybe you need to have the help of a lawyer.

The equity paid monthly is decided on the value of the equity now. If the value of the house goes up in the future, then what?

beigebrownblue Thu 22-Jul-21 12:20:05

For the sake of your DC and yourself as one poster said, don't agree to anything informal without legal help.

Wherearemymarbles Thu 22-Jul-21 12:21:20

You need legal advise. As PP said if its informal nothing stopping her later trying to get half the house.

Also if you pay monthly whats the chances she tries to come crawling back if things dont work out and then you really would have funded her and the om.

Absolutely don’t do anything without legal advise.

SixesAndEights Thu 22-Jul-21 12:25:23

I would sell the house as I wouldn't want snything more to do with my ex spouse, but that's me. If you really want the house then you need it set up legally watertight so that a. she has no further claim to a share and b. she can't move herself back in later if she feels like it.

Fireflygal Thu 22-Jul-21 12:36:50

Selling the house does enable a clean split and that might make moving on easier however financially it might make more sense to keep the house, due to selling/buying/removal costs. Only you can weigh up those options. It does however feel as if emotionally you need the separation.

Why would you give her a monthly amount surely you would remortgage and give her the equity?

Obviously you would take legal advice and do this all through formal agreements.

RandomMess Thu 22-Jul-21 12:39:46

I would only buy her out by remortgaging.

Please seek financial advice.

Have you both had pensions valued as they need taking into account too, whose is likely to be worth the most?

RandomMess Thu 22-Jul-21 12:41:17

Remember to get council tax single person discount. I would be selling and be mortgage/debt free with cheaper running costs. She'll be liable for half the mortgage costs still until it sells surely to be deducted from her share?

forumdonkey Thu 22-Jul-21 12:47:55

You need legal advice. This needs to be done legally. I remortgaged to buy my exh out. I am so grateful I did. My solicitor advised that I do it sooner rather than later but that wasn't what was the push, his reckless spending and debt were. I'm so glad I did.

squiglet111 Thu 22-Jul-21 12:50:23

How old are your adult children?

Could you remortgage for the amount of equity to buy her out now?

With your adult children there it makes it difficult for you to sell as you would probably end up looking for somewhere big enough to fit them too. So is it worth keeping the house and trying to buy her out completely and get her name off the house?

Could the adult children help pay towards some bills due to the bigger mortgage?

Shehasadiamondinthesky Thu 22-Jul-21 12:51:48

The most important thing to do in a situation like this is not to act using your heart but use your head instead.
Think very carefully about the best option for you and your DC and do that whether it''s sell up and buy a new place or pay her for her share.
It is a very good time to sell right now, there are 10 buyers for every property and it's very likely you'll get the asking price for the house and more.
Don't get emotionally involved, that's a recipe for disaster, she's gone and you can't expect any common decency from her.
My husband ditched me for a new woman while I was in hospital seriously ill and I never saw him at all after that after 20 years of marriage where I paid for everything as he was always out of work or messing about on some project. He only wanted to talk about money and nothing else.
i took advantage of the fact that he was besotted with this woman to get an excellent deal and walked away financially practically intact apart from my heart which was broken. get a rock solid consent order (clean break) signed, that's the most important thing so she can never come back for any more money.
All of the costs to be deducted from her share.
My ex split up with the new woman very shortly after and tried to come back for another £50k. He couldn't, he's officially signed the consent order and couldn't have another penny. Was he ever mad - begging to come back etc etc. I told him to get stuffed.

feeficken Thu 22-Jul-21 12:53:07

I would certainly take legal advice before I proceeded to do anything, in terms of walking away yes I could afford to rent a 3 bedroom albeit it would likely before expensive than my current mortgage although cheaper than paying mortgage + equity payments to DW.

100% emotionally I do need the seperation, I've needed it for months because I feel I can't move on. Its silly but I almost feel there is something wrong with me because I can still feel I'm in love with her despite whats happened, at the same time with it being 18 months on I am clear its over and so although I am very said I can move on.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Thu 22-Jul-21 12:53:09

I would be concerned that she claimed all or part of monthly payments were spousal maintenance.

If she starts demanding money of you remind her she owes you X months/years of 50% mortgage and billls.

Let her move out and then tell her it needs to be done legally and to get a solicitor.

Dillydollydingdong Thu 22-Jul-21 12:54:15

Don't agree any informal arrangement. Better to remortgage and get her off your back NOW. See a solicitor and make sure you get everything done legally.

RandomMess Thu 22-Jul-21 12:55:27

If she has a larger pension than you then how much of the house equity she gets is up for negotiation.

Wavingwillowtree Thu 22-Jul-21 12:55:42

Get it all tied up legally so you both know where you are - whatever route you take.

You are hurting and need time to process away from your DC.

Good luck making a fresh start OP

bigbaggyeyes Thu 22-Jul-21 13:00:05

I'd not make any financial agreement without it first going via a solicitor.

If you can, I'd sell up and buy something smaller for you and your dc, or see if you can remortgage the current house.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Thu 22-Jul-21 13:03:02

feeficken

I would certainly take legal advice before I proceeded to do anything, in terms of walking away yes I could afford to rent a 3 bedroom albeit it would likely before expensive than my current mortgage although cheaper than paying mortgage + equity payments to DW.

100% emotionally I do need the seperation, I've needed it for months because I feel I can't move on. Its silly but I almost feel there is something wrong with me because I can still feel I'm in love with her despite whats happened, at the same time with it being 18 months on I am clear its over and so although I am very said I can move on.

It took me over two years to get over my ex I really loved him. If you've been with somebody for that long your feelings don't change overnight.
But they should not cloud your judgement.
I'd sooner have my own home that costs more than rent.
Rent is wasted money. At least this way you will have a home when you retire and then you can sell and find somewhere else.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in