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Relationships

DH working nights.

31 replies

Bookaholic73 · 22/07/2021 08:55

My DH has been working for the same company for years, and just switched roles. So he will now be working nights.

It’s 4 nights a week, 10 hours per shift. Working 9pm -7am.

I’ve never had a partner who has worked nights before.

Apart from having to keep the noise down during the day (not a problem, we don’t have young kids) is there anything we should consider or think about?
Any tips or advice for him or me?

OP posts:
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Outbutnotoutout · 22/07/2021 09:19

Don't expect him to be up and about at 12noon and ready to do stuff.

Make sure he gets his full 8hours sleep.

Nights really take it out of you

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pinkyredrose · 22/07/2021 09:21

Don't ask him if he's tired when he comes in in the morning!

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giletrouge · 22/07/2021 09:22

It puts your body and metabolism out of whack. Makes it really important to eat well but extra difficult, because you eat at odd times. I used to work nights long ago - I remember how hard it is to 'train' your body to do what you want it to. And I know someone now who works nights and has real trouble regulating food - because you never really know whether it's dinner time or breakfast time and over-tiredness makes you tend to want to over eat. Both of you knowing this in advance could help you to mitigate the effects.

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whoknew23 · 22/07/2021 09:24

His sleep pattern on days off will be all over the place,

I used to work 4 nights mon-thur and by the time Friday night came around I couldn't sleep which knocked into Saturday.

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NannyAndJohn · 22/07/2021 09:29

Don't let him use nights as an excuse for not contributing around the house.

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isettled · 22/07/2021 09:34

Let him find his routine and don't try to tell him what he should be doing.

Nightshift work is tough. I still struggle to get decent sleep even after 17yrs. I tend to sleep 8am-11am then 6pm-8pm. But I have colleagues who get their best sleep on nights.

I'd make sure you have a good blackout blind/curtain that definitely helps and earplugs to try.

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beautifullymad · 22/07/2021 09:38

Working nights has negative long term health effects. Try to help him sleep for a minimum of 8 hours to negate this.

Good back out blinds and reduced noise where possible.

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PhantomErik · 22/07/2021 09:38

Don't be surprised if he needs more than a standard sleep, he may need until 4 - 5pm.

Dh found nights exhausting & verging on depressing.

You may need very good blackout curtains, earplugs & possibly an eye mask.

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/07/2021 09:41

I worked nights as a nurse for years and it wrecked my body. You never really sleep properly during the day or feel properly rested. Id never do it again.

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updownroundandround · 22/07/2021 12:32

I agree that working nights totally knackers your body's natural rhythm, and if it adversely affects his health, don't be reticent about talking to your GP etc because I'm guessing that if he's worked for the same company 'for years', then he's maybe not ''as young as he used to be'' ??

Not everyone can work nights and make it work. It can be even harder when you've got a partner etc, because changing from nights to days when you've got your days off, then trying to swap back again is truly exhausting.

Don't underestimate how exhausted he's going to be. It impacts your free time as much as it will affect his.

Oh, and don't plan things like the cinema during the day when he's off. lol, cos he'll definitely be asleep within minutes ! Grin

Definitely have blackout blinds and curtains, ear plugs and a good fan (because trying to sleep in the middle of the summer with heat, lawnmowers, kids playing etc is really hard)

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2ndtimemum2 · 22/07/2021 13:48

@NannyAndJohn

Don't let him use nights as an excuse for not contributing around the house.

Have you ever even worked nights what a useless statement but I'm.sure it made you feel better to give out about something.

Op I've worked nights for years you now need to realise that the day after a night shift is a write off. He will actually need to stay in bed till the evening. Night shifts disrupt a person's circadian rhythm. His mood may also change and so will his diet hell be eating at irregular hours, also night work is so much harder than days so household chores may have to wait until his days off
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Dozycuntlaters · 22/07/2021 14:03

Don't let him use nights as an excuse for not contributing around the house Seriously? When is he supposed to sleep then.

OP my partner works night shifts 2 or 3 nights a week, 7pm to 7am. To be brutally honest, when he's on nights he has no life. It's totally fucked his body clock up and so now his sleep pattern is a nightmare. I don't live with him and I never could, I really don't think nightshifts are a positive thing for family life.

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Amijustagrump · 22/07/2021 18:40

Be a bit more patient but also don't let him get away with not doing anything! And remember the body clock will need to shift back to normal so the first day after a night needs to often be a rest day- don't expect him to be up to anything big!

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isitsummertimeyet · 22/07/2021 18:49

I did 12 hour nights for a decade and it proper tires you mentally. used to finish at 7am, be in bed trying to sleep by 7.45 am/8am and id be awake by 11ish always, never go back to sleep, then it hits you about 3am and its like full on zombie mode..

Hope he is compensated well for this.

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Bookaholic73 · 22/07/2021 19:33

Thanks everyone.

I’m not planning anything for the first 3 months, just to see how he settles into it.

I’m slightly worried about how ill sleep without him in the bed, but I guess that’s just something you get used to?

Blackout blind, eye mask and ear plugs already ordered.

I’m not actually expecting him to do anything around the house for a long time, until we are in a proper routine.

OP posts:
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Hulmeert · 22/07/2021 19:58

Make sure he eats properly.

I work nights and the temptation.to eat lots of sugary snacks to give you an energy boost is immense but ends up make me feel worse in the long run.

After his last shift he'll probably be dead on his feet until he's had his first night of sleep actually during the night.

But he definitely will be able to help around the house in-between shift. I can manage it!

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Fabiofatshaft1 · 22/07/2021 20:23

I worked nights for 40 years. Finished last year. I loved it.

Some great advice on here, but it either suits you or it doesn’t.

It really pressure tests relationships.
Let him sleep as much as he needs to.
Discourage daytime phone calls and deliveries.
You’ll find he’ll be zombified at times because idiots have disturbed him.

Imagine someone banging loudly on your door at two in the morning. Every morning. You’d soon feel like a wreck.

Have patience if he’s occasionally snappy. It’s not you, he’s just very tired.

Weekends are the worst. You have to get your sleep pattern and metabolism calibrated on the Friday.

I needed 4 - 5 hours sleep.

But if he gets it wrong, he’ll be awake all Friday, Saturday and Sunday night, and fast asleep during the day.

Enjoy the extra shift allowance money 💴

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Slippersocks20 · 22/07/2021 20:59

I used to work nights. 7 on 7 off. He will feel more knackered from work than working days. Nights always seem longer ... bin collection days will be piss him off
Dont expect much to be done round the house.

My wife has just said she found me working nights horrendous. And it may test your relationship.

Eating habits will go out the window. Its so easy to eat bad snacks!

I know most of this has been said already.

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Bookaholic73 · 22/07/2021 21:02

Oh this is making me nervous now!

OP posts:
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EpicGamerMum · 22/07/2021 22:17

I work 12 hour night shifts and this might sound really silly but I couldn’t stand it when my ex used to cook something really strong smelling (like curry) in the middle of the day because it would wake me up and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

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Slippersocks20 · 22/07/2021 22:25

Dont be nervous about it. You're hearing the worst of it. That's all.

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Samedaysameshit · 22/07/2021 22:27

I’ve worked night before. 3 x 12 hour night shifts. I was ok but took some time to get used too. I was often fishing at 4 am!
I only did it for 2 years.
Longtime night shift working is supposed to lower your life expectancy by 4 years. Basically you are knackered all the time.

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Slippersocks20 · 22/07/2021 22:40

I only did it for a year, wife gave me an ultimatum ... I'm still married so guess I chose the wrong option! Haha.

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Northernmum100 · 22/07/2021 22:44

My DH worked shifts for 20 years including nights.
He sometimes found it easier not to go straight to bed when he came in at 7am but to have a few hours to 'come down after a busy shift. It made sense to me, if you work a day shift e.g. 8-4, you don't walk on the house and go straight to bed do you? You have time to eat, maybe watch some TV.

We had a sign which we taped to the glass on the front door - 'please do not knock or ring doorbell, shift worker sleeping'. We have an angel.of a neighbour who took in any random parcels etc ( we cut her grass etc in exchange for this)

I am the first to admit I enjoyed the space on my own when he was on nights- rubbish TV, sprawled on the sofa with a face mask on Smile and starfish when I went to bed. I'm actually feeling quite nostalgic...

He on the other hand doesn't miss them one bit and he looked awful by the time he had done his last night of the set and was a physically exhausted zombie. Sorry, but it really can be grim.

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Adaddyoftwo · 22/07/2021 22:55

Once again I find that I have to explain myself for seemingly something that should not have proked the reaction given.

Just to clear a few things up first.

We live in a lovely house in a great area with two beautiful children, we have no immediate health issues, no money worries, no lack of family friends or support. I'm a clean, tidy, respectable good man husband who works full time and recently left a job that I loved to earn money money to support my families ever changing needs. I keep semi fit and do my fair share of chores around the house including the majority of the cooking, shopping and kids bathtime/bedtime etc.

I supported my wife through a job and career change that earned significantly less money during Covid and continue to do so, so that she can pursue a career in another line of work, which is significantly less

I also supported her through anxiety, depression, PTSD and withdrawal from physical affection for 2 years, and most recently a mental health issue that may or may not have been brought about from Covid, this means a total disconnect and numbness within the house. My weekends are spent doing chores and household work, whilst also involving the kids where possible, taking them out or involving them in cutting the lawn or the hedges. Also stood by her side during all of this without any lack of disconnect, my primary concern will always be her and my children's wellbeing.

I've always gone out of my way to make sure my wife receives a memorable birthday, xmas, anniversary gift

  • On a weekend I get up early with boys, singing songs with them, especially at xmas and then complains about getting woken up at 8am.


I send boys up to bedroom on her lay in day with breakfast menu, complains about getting woken up for surprise breakfast, hence no more breakfast in bed.

  • I regulary take time off work to do up house and garden, including fitting new floors, kitchen, full room renovation and rebuilding of parts of the house


  • I regularly work from home so will when possible use my lunch time to either take the kids for a walk or finish early so we can eat together


I have loads of incentive to make the house look nice or buy for example throw cushoing and accesories or paint, but the it is always on me to suggest going to look, then spends more time looking at phone/not interested.

Doesnt like suggestions or when trying to decide on things that are nice or finish the home

When I do house work or bring in the washing its "not folded", or the floor I've just mopped is too wet.

I Booked half day of work, first time off in a year for a desperate mental health check in with a friend, she accidently sent a message to me complaining to a friend about me taking a half day, I said nothing and let it pass, I've recently started feeling really down and negative, to the point where I actually thought about suicide and how I might do it, more so because it seems no matter what I do the feedback and response is negative and I feel pretty worthless. Money shouldn't come in to it, but I've spent £1000s and countless hours in the house and garden to make it nice.


We had a conversation about not having a many pictures of the kids in the house so I asked us to come up with a canvas design, which took a while and eventually a lovely large canvas of pictures of boys turns up, but spouse didnt want it in the living room on any wall, almost like to the point where resented that I had the incentive to purchase it and do it and its now on the wall in the playroom, where only the kids go really.

Mentioned getting a caravan so we can go off on weekends, and not spend all of our time in the house/house chores on a weekend, but had no interest so I sold my "project car" that was used maybe once a month for an hour and now currently looking for a caravan to purchase with the funds so we can get away with the kids, bought a mountain bike as surprise present when eldest got his so there's the ability to go biking with him, butused once.

My spouse recently started a new diet to loose a bit of weight and get some self confidence back which I think is great, good for her, really proud and happy and encouraged it, but it's now cause a massive argument and a fall out simply because I wanted to go shopping for food in the morning and spend the afternoon with the boys, I was happy to go shopping twice in the weekend, but I was asked to wait until a menu was released from some website. I have limited time at the weekends and I just wanted to see the boys and do something fun without getting broken off. So off we went shopping and then once came home took the boys out for some fun and lunch.

I came back home and cut the hedges/lawn whilst involving the kids to give her some time alone, the next thing I know I'm being shouted at for looking in to seeing if the venue we'd been at during lunch had a date free and if my parents friends had a date free for a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother, It was a spare of the moment idea that slipped my mind when I got home and took me a while to register what was going on.

Since that moment I've had nothing but aggro grief, more shouting and abuse that im not listening to her and she "cant do it anymore". I've really lost as to what I've done wrong here and Im reaching out to get some clarity or non biased opinion. Im not perfect, I may go silent when threatened or have to spend a day or two weighing something up before responding, but currently I just feel like a total failure as a husband.
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