Can i ever get past the hurt my husband caused having cyber sex?

(147 Posts)
Jstsaying123 Wed 21-Jul-21 23:08:13

I have recently found out my husband has been watching a lot of porn ( for years) and now paying for live cybersex... I'm devastated, he has clearly been lying, he was disconnected from me even though I tried many times to talk about what's missing or changed. He made me doubt myself - which I really hate!
He says he is truely sorry & will be better, get therapy etc. He has deleted his accounts showing me bank details etc... But we have a couple of kids, married years and years.... Has anyone ever been through similar where their husband and have they really changed? and put the effort in to the marriage?? I can't understand why he will change now, ( just cause he got caught).. he could have said something ages ago. Is he just covering because he was caught and would he ever have stopped if I never caught him?? .... I don't think I should give up if he is actually doing work to improve but I also don't want taken advantage of....my brain is so confused I don't know what is the right thing to do. Has Anyone been in this situation or similar? I would love some advice and how things turned out for your marriage?
Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Fredrica47346 Wed 21-Jul-21 23:30:33

Jstsaying123

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I totally understand why you feel devastated.

I found out my husband was secretly watching porn whilst me and dc were asleep upstairs (not to the extent of paying for it) but still, this was going on for months whilst I was tired with exhaustion with a toddler etc. I honestly believe my husband was more sorry he got caught than he was for watching it. I don't believe he would have stopped had he not been caught. A lot of people don't have a problem with porn but I do and it crossed a boundary. Like you I have dc (who are still young) and it's like I'm left to deal with my feelings around this now, it's all sort of imposed upon me. I am entering therapy soon. My husband believes the therapist will help me to see how I am 'over-reacting.' The difficulty is, it has brought up some past hurts which is compounding everything and highlighted that perhaps my marriage wasn't as solid as it could have been or I had originally thought and this is a harsh reality to confront. I have lost respect for him and more than that no longer fully trust him.

It seems that there are a couple of posts a week at least on mn. about similar situations. I keep reading these threads hoping to gain a different viewpoint but unfortunately nothing has changed for me. Porn is damaging on so many levels and has spiralled out of control in terms of access (I shudder when I think of the access young men/boys have to this type of stuff and it becomes normalised).

Hopefully, others will come along soon and give more advice. I don't really have many people to talk to in real life, I am desperate to enter therapy to help me clarify my thoughts so have nothing more to add at the moment but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

ohwhattodowithmylife Wed 21-Jul-21 23:35:54

My ex did this, we are no longer together but there were many reasons for that. It's not something I find acceptable

JungleBeats Thu 22-Jul-21 00:15:43

Honestly, you probably won't ever get over it.

What a shit flowers

Maggiesfarm Thu 22-Jul-21 01:21:07

I haven't had that experience but if I had, I would have been devastated as you are.

Your husband is sorry, that is a start. Things like that can become a bad habit and some need help to give it up. I hope that isn't the case for your husband. You finding out may have shocked him into reality.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thu 22-Jul-21 05:34:55

"cybersex" that's a blast from the past! Do you mean he's been interacting with one individual woman (?) which might indicate an emotional connection, or has he just been paying for webcam?

Guavafish Thu 22-Jul-21 06:06:42

He will not change - he has a porn and webcam addiction. Unless he wants to change and seek therapy it’s unlikely to get better.

Advertisement

66babe Thu 22-Jul-21 06:14:10

So sorry you find yourself in this position
Personally I would not forgive and could certainly never forget so I would find it coming back to me all the time
If we had sex , if I wore some nice lingerie , if we played around ...
it would definitely flash into my head
" is he enjoying this or did they look better , did he do this before ? "
I'd walk love
Porn has a lot to answer for now I'm afraid

Carrott21 Thu 22-Jul-21 06:21:54

Just paying for a webcam??? It's fucking awful. Massive lime crossed and marriage over.

Ilikeknitting Thu 22-Jul-21 06:47:20

I’m so sad to read what you are going through op.

Sorry I can’t offer any genuine help or advice but didn’t want to read then run.
If it helps, I know I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive this.

I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing husband but if he paid to have cybersex, our marriage would be over.

As @66babe said “is he enjoying this or did they look better” would haunt me too.

00100001 Thu 22-Jul-21 07:10:12

This is cheating in my mind.

It would be exactly the same as if he'd gone out and paid for sex with a prostitute in 'real life'

I'd be kicking him out.

00100001 Thu 22-Jul-21 07:11:55

EvenMoreFuriousVexation

"cybersex" that's a blast from the past! Do you mean he's been interacting with one individual woman (?) which might indicate an emotional connection, or has he just been paying for webcam?

Irrelevant.

If he'd been going out and paying someone either to have sex, or "just perform" so he can watch.... It's cheating.

It's not "just a webcam". It's cheating.

girlmom21 Thu 22-Jul-21 07:12:19

If you're willing to work on it if he is, I'd want to know if it was one specific girl he built a relationship with or whether it was various girls.

If it was one, did it venture into EA territory and can you get past that if there are feelings involved?

Jstsaying123 Thu 22-Jul-21 08:35:47

Thanks for your replies.
He said it was with different women. (I feel sick even typing this)
He said he will start therapy and will change. He is saying all the right things but like what was said above, I will always be comparing myself to these other women in my head in the future. Also I can't police his phone/Internet activity forever.
I'm just devastated he would intentionally break our marriage up like this.

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Thu 22-Jul-21 08:40:54

What is cyber sex do you mean cam girls?

Hanger0n Thu 22-Jul-21 08:45:26

Isn't this pretty much watching porn, but paying for it? Given the amount of people who watch porn I'm not entirely sure this would be marriage ending for me?

Jstsaying123 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:13:09

Yeah cam girls and interacting virtually with them. He never had his camera on, but who knows..

OP’s posts: |
layladomino Thu 22-Jul-21 09:13:51

I think I would be asking the same questions you are: would he have stopped if I found out? Is he really sorry (in which case why didn't he stop of his own volition?) or is he sorry he was caught?

I would go ahead with therapy and be clear that you haven't yet decided what you are going to do. That you clearly can't trust him, that he puts less value on your marriage than he should, and that you want to be with someone who is honest and loyal. And if you decide you can't stay with him, that is all on him. Not you.

DinosaurDiana Thu 22-Jul-21 09:14:37

If the resentment has set in its over.

DinosaurDiana Thu 22-Jul-21 09:15:23

Does he have any other addictions ?

Jstsaying123 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:20:27

No other addictions, but he was drinking more during the last year. He said he will stop that too.
I think I need to see him making the steps himself, not me chasing him up, if I still can't trust him once I'm calmer then he has ended our marriage not me, Like lady domino said. Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Shellady Thu 22-Jul-21 09:20:49

EvenMoreFuriousVexation

"cybersex" that's a blast from the past! Do you mean he's been interacting with one individual woman (?) which might indicate an emotional connection, or has he just been paying for webcam?

Wtaf ?
Just? Paying for webcam
Do you say that to men if they find their wives having emotions affairs with men ? Oh was it just a love letter ?
I mean after all women have needs too! right?and if there’s no touching it’s fine
I honestly pray that every single man who thinks it’s ‘ just webcam’ has a wife or gf who’s secretly thinking it’s just an online affair smile

debbs77 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:25:51

Porn in general is a no go for me too. I discovered a couple of years ago that my partner was watching it while I was in the house, sorting the dinner, heavily pregnant etc and the sh*t hit the fan. He actually did it a few more times which caused us a lot of issues. Again though, children, house, life......a lot to give up, especially when we have already been through so much.

Bluntness100 Thu 22-Jul-21 09:27:31

Cam girls for me is not the same as porn, it’s a one on one live interaction where you’re paying a woman to do your sexual bidding. I guess it’s cyber sex but that makes it sound much less personal than what it is. Which is prostitution. Cyber sex makes it seem like there’s no human interaction and you’re having sex with a machine. It’s down playing what’s actually occurring.

It’s like calling someone on FaceTime a cyber interaction. Technically it is, but we all know it’s much more personal than what the term makes it sound like.

OpenTheBloodyWindow Thu 22-Jul-21 09:27:50

I'd find this much harder to deal with than an office affair or similar. People make mistakes and cheat and are attracted to others and have moments of weakness. It is heartbreaking at times but it's human.

You cannot buy consent and the fact that he thinks you can is a deal breaker for me.

By all means go to therapy and hopefully it's helpful but don't be bullied and cajoled into thinking you're over reacting. You're not.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in