Putting it into words - separation

(13 Posts)
Hotdayinjuly Wed 21-Jul-21 23:05:37

I’ve asked to separate from my OH we have 2 young DC. Nothing terrible has happened. I just think I have fallen out of love with him. I didn’t handle it well and it was sort of blurted out that I can’t go on like this for the rest of my life with him.
He’s not a horrible person though can be quite harsh with the DC and this is something that bothers me a lot he shouted a DD and made her cry and thought why am I staying for this? The negativity is rubbing off on me too and making me a worse parent. I was young when we met and we have sort of bumbled from one bit of life to the next with me hoping it would get better. I just feel guilty for doing this to the DC.

I feel like I need to give him some reasons. All I can say is I don’t feel the same way and he deserves somebody who loves him.

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Charliecatpaws Wed 21-Jul-21 23:28:31

Your children will become aware of the negativity between you, cut your losses and move on, we only have one life

Thewinterofdiscontent Wed 21-Jul-21 23:28:50

Mmm. Just be honest. The marriage has run its course and you don’t want to be living this life.
You want him to not feel there was anything wrong with him or what he did but it’s all you. He’ll be gutted but it’s easier than presenting a list of failings with the marriage that he’ll try and persuade you he does/can change.
Why argue over parenting styles when it won’t matter if he becomes the next Mary Poppins? Why list what’s wrong in the marriage. You aren’t interested in fixing it but want out.

loveyourself2020 Thu 22-Jul-21 07:27:49

Just be honest, short and to the point. No need for explanations. Whatever the reasons are the bottom line is the same. You are not happy/satisfied in this marriage and you want out. Once you say it stick with it.

GrandmasCat Thu 22-Jul-21 08:59:30

Ok, you don’t need to give him reasons because you don’t need to convince him, unless he is a proper arse, this is not the US, you don’t need his approval to leave.

Perhaps continúe to use the line that you have fallen out of love it is less damaging that going into the minutia of all those little things that killed the love, because if you go on that direction he will start the promises of change and I think you are beyond that if you really want to split.

Just reminding of a few things:
1) there is nobody else
2) you may love him but don’t love him as a partner anymore
3) it is better for you, him and the kids to part in amicable ways than wait until the things become so toxic that the nasty stuff start (nobody enjoys feeling trapped in a relationship for long)

So put thw guilt to the side, it is hammered into us since children that we need to do everything to save our marriages. You can’t save a marriage that is already dead.

Taffydog Thu 22-Jul-21 09:06:16

This could of been me a few years ago. I just stuck with the I’m a different person to when we met and don’t feel the same anymore and am unhappy. There were lots of reasons for why I was unhappy with him which I could of pointed out but he isn’t a horrible person so I didn’t think it would achieve anything by saying . 3 years on we have a very amicable relationship and the kids appear to have coped really well with the split. It never became acrimonious. It was horrible at the time as he was devastated but I’m so much happier now. Think he is too as he doesn’t have the responsibilities and expectations that come with being in a relationship as he struggled to cope with them.

Hotdayinjuly Thu 22-Jul-21 09:10:44

Thank you your comments have all really helped. I feel both relieved and guilty for doing this.

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Dillydollydingdong Thu 22-Jul-21 09:11:43

When i decided to split from my dp I just told him. No recriminations; I didn't blame him; it wasn't his fault. He's a good man. I'd just fallen for someone else and couldn't continue with dp. He was devastated, understandably, but a year later we're still on good terms.

DinosaurDiana Thu 22-Jul-21 09:13:21

You don’t need a reason. It’s a choice.

19Bears Thu 22-Jul-21 10:49:23

I would like the answer to this too @Hotdayinjuly. My counsellor has said just be straight to the point, don't go into a list of reasons as this would make him thinks he can fix all the problems and then everything will be fine. The bottom line is that I don't want to be with him, even if everything changed and he became husband/father of the year, I would still feel the same. I have told him several times I'm not happy and don't ever want a physical relationship with him, but this doesn't seem to be enough to convince him it's over. I need to be blunt but I just can't find the words. @Dillydollydingdong I too am in love with someone, which is very much separate from how I feel about my marriage which has been dead for many years, but is it something I should say to convince him?? Or something that would make things way more complicated? Did your partner just accept it?

Dillydollydingdong Thu 22-Jul-21 11:49:52

My dp realised what had happened because I just behaved differently. He was very upset but I just said he wasn't at fault, this had happened and I couldn't turn the clock back. (I think he was more worried about the financial ramifications than anything else).

Deedee121 Thu 22-Jul-21 16:49:56

Following for advice as I'm going to have this chat within the next few weeks

Hotdayinjuly Thu 22-Jul-21 17:42:56

Deedee121

Following for advice as I'm going to have this chat within the next few weeks

Good luck, I hope it goes ok as it can.

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