Lol help

(27 Posts)
Lockydqueen Wed 21-Jul-21 18:45:43

So I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. We are expecting a baby together, I am 15 weeks pregnant. Slight problem, I can’t stand him! It’s just started happening these last 2-3 months. Now I don’t know if it’s just hormones or because having a little one to now think about, I realise he’s really not the sort of man I would want to bring up a child with. Not that I would ever deny him the chance let me just put that out there! But he doesn’t respect many people, he’s the kind of man who will be rude to a taxi driver, tell the virgin tv salesman to f*ck off because he’s called too many times. I’m an icu nurse and really struggled through the second Covid wave, coming home crying everyday etc suffering from depression maybe even slight ptsd? He was never there for me, he would just say ‘god, why can’t you leave work at work and cheer the f*ck up, being around you is depressing’ and whenever I cry about absolutely anything he laughs and calls me a baby. He tells me I know nothing about anything, I’d be nowhere without him, and doesn’t lift a finger around the house because he believes it is a ‘pink job’ and hasn’t even picked up any slack now that I’m pregnant and very tired! Just tells me I’ve gotten lazy. As I said, I don’t know if being pregnant has made me realise what an awful person he can be or what. But I can’t bare him to touch me, when he comes up behind me and wraps his arm around me my skin crawls and I have wriggle out. I literally feel the urge to wipe his kisses off when he kisses me and I can’t do more than a peck. Under any normal not pregnant circumstances I would just leave. But having a baby on the way makes it hard. We are living in HIS home and I have no home of my own. I really don’t know what to do and feel lost. Any advice?

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Aquamarine1029 Wed 21-Jul-21 18:51:41

This man is horrible, honestly just horrible. Did you intend to get pregnant? You can't possibly get rid of him soon enough.

nimbuscloud Wed 21-Jul-21 18:54:52

Leave him as soon as you can
He’s awful
It’s great that you are working!

Aquamarine1029 Wed 21-Jul-21 18:56:21

You may think it's hard to leave now, but it would be much harder after the baby is born. Do whatever it takes, pack your bags and get out.

pilates Wed 21-Jul-21 18:59:04

Doesn’t sound good, not a great role model is he. I think you need to have the chat and move out.

Weirdfan Wed 21-Jul-21 19:00:32

Do you have family you could go to til you can get on your feet OP? I'd do that rather than stay with him from what you've said flowers

Lockydqueen Wed 21-Jul-21 19:00:48

No, I did not intend to get pregnant. Not that peanut is a mistake! Just a happy accident haha just a shame about the father

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MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 21-Jul-21 19:02:45

He sounds like a sexist prick and has no empathy either, what a catch! How did you not notice what an awful person he was before this?

You need to spend the next few months sorting out somewhere else to live because having a baby with this prince is going to be horrendous. It will actually be easier on your own than with this waste of space causing you extra work and contributing nothing of any use.

Honestly, it’s not a LOLing matter, do you have real life support in the shape of friends or family nearby? If you were my friend or relative I’d do whatever I could to help you get out of this shitty relationship flowers

Lockydqueen Wed 21-Jul-21 19:10:10

None that live nearby. I’m in the south of England they’re all up north. It sounds daft but I’m not the type that wants to call up my mum and tell her, she’d only worry- they all think the sun shines out his arse! And I know it’s not a Loling matter, I just lol when I’m in a crisis because nerves I guess 🤷‍♀️ And I honestly couldn’t tell you what I was thinking before, he hasn’t always been so vile toward me. I don’t think I noticed the lack of help so much in the first 2 years as we lived at his parents, so I wasn’t doing that much other than my fair share of cleaning on a day off etc or cooking dinner for everyone every now and then etc. It became more apparent just how sexist he is when we moved into his house (which he had brought before meeting me but was rebuilding). And don’t i KNOW whose house it is 🙄

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Lockydqueen Wed 21-Jul-21 19:11:32

Ps- I am aware of how naive I sound I am cringing at myself

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Aquamarine1029 Wed 21-Jul-21 19:14:06

Op, you're a nurse, you can get a good job anywhere. You really need to move away BEFORE the baby is born. He can't control you now, but he could try to prevent you moving away once the baby is born. Please, just pack your things and go home to your family. You can find a place to live up north.

Elieza Wed 21-Jul-21 19:33:34

I second Aqua’s post - move away ASAP.

Don’t let any feelings of potential shame your family may feel towards you put you off going to them. It’s in your head. They’ll be glad you went to them.

Once you have a baby your whole world will change. You will need their help, not being isolated with that arsehole.

Babies are ‘pink’ work to him I’d imagine and therefore you’d never be out enjoying yourself as he won’t be looking after dc and sure as hell won’t be doing nappy changes or night feeds!!

Swallow your pride and pack your bags. Remember to take everything you need, everything that’s yours.

You can never build a life with a guy like that. He’s cold, sexist and do you want your child growing up like him? If it’s a boy the two of them demanding stuff from you as though you’re in the 1950s and the men of the house are treated like princes? Or if it’s a girl her being brought up to be at the beck and call of men, not be allowed to do stuff she wants to do etc.as the dishes need done while the guys have a beer?

No. It’s no life. Leave him. You are qualified to get work anywhere. Get as far away from him as you can.

Lockydqueen Wed 21-Jul-21 19:39:05

Eleiza- you just slapped me with truth. Thank you. I think I’ll call my mum tomorrow when he’s at work.

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Weirdfan Wed 21-Jul-21 19:39:15

Agree with Aqua, get yourself up north to family and start again up there. It's easy to brush off what posters are saying about it being so much harder after baby is born but none of us want you to find out the hard way, go now while he has no say or control over what you do because that will change when baby is born. You've said yourself he's not a man you want to raise a child with and the further away you are the less likely it is you will have to.

Yesitsbess Wed 21-Jul-21 23:07:30

Talk to work about getting a transfer, talk to your mum, talk to your friends up north and haul your butt out of there. It does not get better...

Outbutnotoutout Thu 22-Jul-21 09:30:21

Controversial I know

But I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy and getting away from him.

Find someone who actually loves you and have a family with them

Hanger0n Thu 22-Jul-21 09:43:13

Did you like him in the 4 years before the pregnancy? What actually changed?

NeverDropYourMooncup Thu 22-Jul-21 09:59:25

Hanger0n

Did you like him in the 4 years before the pregnancy? What actually changed?

I think the obvious points are that now they're living away from his parents, so there's nobody else to see his behaviour and she's pregnant, he thinks she is trapped and can finally treat her with the contempt that he feels for her.

Definitely pack your essential stuff - ID, DBS, qualifications, details you'll need to claim CMS, laptop, chargers, a few days' clothes (as you don't need to carry loads of things you won't be wearing as the bump gets bigger) and go back 'home'.

Everywhere needs qualified nurses, never mind ICU specialists - your current employer may be able to put at least some of it down as emergency leave due to your needing to escape domestic abuse if you contact HR and your line manager - it would take a very short time to get work up there and whilst you are still employed by your current trust, it would be quite easy to get a private rental.

Make sure there are no shared finances, set up a new bank account if you need it today, log all of your devices out of everything, change passwords and go.

Once you are safe, message him to say you aren't coming back.

I do think it is worth reconsidering whether you do wish to continue with the pregnancy, it is your choice and yours alone - whichever you decide, you need to be as far away from him as possible.

layladomino Thu 22-Jul-21 10:24:37

You said you would leave him without question if you weren't pregnant, but I would say that being pregnant makes it even more important that you leave. He is lazy, nasty, selfish, sexist, disrespectul, doesn't care enough to support you when you are suffering, in fact LAUGHS at you when you cry. This man doesn't even like you. He will get worse. He won't be a good father to your baby. He will expect you to do all the work and to make all the sacrifices while he goes on doing everything he wants. Your DC will grow up in an unhealthy home environment.

Please get out now - it will be harder later. You will flourish without him. You don't need him. In fact your life will be easier without him dragging you down, insulting you and having you run around after him.

You are worth so much more than this.

updownroundandround Thu 22-Jul-21 12:21:01

@Lockydqueen

Have you spoken to your Mum yet Locky ?

I echo everything PP's have said, now is not the time to stick with this cruel, selfish and truly horrible person.

At least you can be reasonably sure that he won't be bothering with access to your baby etc.

Remember, you and the baby are the only important people in this ! Get family support and leave the nasty fucker to do his own bloody pink work !! angry

Also, don't put him on the birth certificate, because if you do, you're giving him legal rights regarding the baby, and while I don't believe he will ever help support you both, I do believe he's nasty enough to go out of his way to hurt you by refusing to agree to what nursery/school they go to or if you'd be 'allowed' to take your DC abroad on holiday etc !

Lockydqueen Thu 22-Jul-21 12:48:05

Yes! Update-
I’ve spoken to my mum briefly she’s at work but I gave her the short story and she’s said she will phone me to speak properly tonight but that she would drive down to get me and help me take my stuff etc and that I have my old room whilst I look for a new place.
Thank you so much for your honesty and advice everyone, you’ve given me the push I needed. And what’s funny about the pink jobs… is that when I go he’s going to realise he has no idea how to live alone 🤣 he’ll be round his mums for dinner every night with a pile of laundry for her to do!! 🙊 although i do feel for her, she’s a lovely woman, she was expected to do all ‘pink’ jobs too and done everything for him and his dad!! She’s apologised to me plenty of times and said she knows she’s made him this way. BUT you’re right, I don’t wanna live like that and if I have a daughter I certainly don’t want her to grow up thinking that’s okay either. I’ll make sure girls standards are so high men like that can’t even reach them on a stool😂

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bookworm20 Thu 22-Jul-21 13:00:48

So glad to hear your mum will come and get you.

I think maybe being pregnant and tired and realising he isn't there for you for any of that has made you realise and notice all the other things he does / doesn't do.

Good luck OP. You really do sound alot better off without him.

updownroundandround Thu 22-Jul-21 16:02:27

I'm so happy that you're going home to get RL support and help grin

You really are much better off alone than with a piece of crap like him !

You deserve SO much more ! flowers And you'll be a terrific Mum !

cheeseismydownfall Thu 22-Jul-21 18:38:19

Outbutnotoutout

Controversial I know

But I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy and getting away from him.

Find someone who actually loves you and have a family with them

This is also what I would do.

Remember that bringing up this baby completely alone is actually your least-worst option now. The worst outcome (and a not particularly unlikely one) is that you are inescapably tied to a complete shit for the next 18 years who does everything in their power to make your life awful.

I would make a clean break.

cheeseismydownfall Thu 22-Jul-21 18:41:22

And remember that if you have a daughter and he demands access you will be unable to protect her from him and his misogyny during that access - which could be up to 50% of the time.

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