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Relationships

Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

291 replies

Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:11

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

OP posts:
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cookiesandcreamm · 21/07/2021 07:14

You need to tell everyone involved IMO.

I want to do the right thing and go and tell her

Why not start by telling your own husband your a cheat.

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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:20

It's you're.

Op what does dark sexual relationship mean? Bdsm?
Did you really want to do what you were doing?
I find abusers like to hide behind bdsm.

Anyway, yes - I'd tell her.

And I have counselling so you get to a place where you're not involved with him because of your own decision, not his .

Sounds like you also need to improve or leave your marriage, what's the story with your husband?

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rishisboater · 21/07/2021 07:23

Okay so, are you saying you want the cat out of the bag all round? Because if you're thinking that morally she deserves to know he's a cheat then surely by that token your DH deserves to know that you are too?

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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:23

He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

What does this mean exactly, that sounds very worrying.

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Ughmaybenot · 21/07/2021 07:26

It baffles me that you feel this overwhelming sense of ‘she should know’ and yet you’ve been fucking someone else behind your husbands back for years.
Also, the hierarchy of who ‘deserves more’ made me cringe, OMs girlfriend, you… oh yea and your husband.
Stop acting like this is something you have no control over, and like you’re the victim of circumstance here.
You either need to cut it off dead or come clean with your husband, and OMs girlfriend afterwards, if that is what you feel you must do.

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Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:26

@WhiskeyGalore212 you are starting to understand it.

Previous sexual abuse victim seeking out experiences under the guise of consent/adult. He knows about my past. Last 18mths of so we’ve become toxic. Previously it was based on respect. Last 2 months it’s been awful.

He won’t stay away.

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rishisboater · 21/07/2021 07:27

And when you say you want him to stay away forever and this is the only way to make him... do you mean that if you told him to stay away he'd ignore you? Have you tried that? It sounds like you're being very passive here and believe me, I get it! Sometimes situations like this feel intoxicating but is this you feeling like you can't make it stop, or that you actually can't make it stop?

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Wiredforsound · 21/07/2021 07:28

This reply has been deleted

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Wiredforsound · 21/07/2021 07:29

And if he’s stalking you call the police.

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Ughmaybenot · 21/07/2021 07:31

He won’t stay away? So if you block him on everything and go hard NC, he… does what? Is he likely to show up at your work, or at your house? If so, that’s harassment and stalking, and you should call the police. But realistically I don’t think it sounds like you’ve tried to cut it off completely, but I may be wrong.

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Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:31

Honestly everyone I don’t need the guilt piled on about my husband etc. This is the thing that has left me stuck.

This man is literally viewing me as an object sexually and totally control.

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rishisboater · 21/07/2021 07:33

If you're needing to go down the route of getting the police involved etc. Then you need to remove yourself from the situation, not entrench yourself further by getting in to drama with his girlfriend.

The best thing you can do is stop all contact. Make it clear he's not to contact you. Keep records of texts sent telling him to stay away. Then if/when he "comes back" and won't take no for an answer then that's a matter for the police.

The way you describe him I expect the girlfriend is in pretty deep herself and probably won't even believe you

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Baberuthie · 21/07/2021 07:33

Finallydonewithhim do you think the OM is a narcissist? I think it could be worth watching Tea on the NPD videos on YouTube. There could be some dark influence, like you said, because OM is a narcissist. You need to tell your husband too. Otherwise the other man might.

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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:34

Ignore wiredforsound, they've missed every clue in your post and ate unsuited to giving "advice" on forums like this.

What counselling have you had and can you get referred for any/more?

He won’t stay away.

You can cut him off.

You could cut him off even if his behaviour had been fine - it sounds like it's been very far from fine.

You can report him for harassment if he won't accept your decision.

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rishisboater · 21/07/2021 07:35

@Ughmaybenot

He won’t stay away? So if you block him on everything and go hard NC, he… does what? Is he likely to show up at your work, or at your house? If so, that’s harassment and stalking, and you should call the police. But realistically I don’t think it sounds like you’ve tried to cut it off completely, but I may be wrong.

This is exactly right. Before going to police you need to have made the effort to extract yourself first. You can't go to the police and say "I don't want see the man I'm with anymore can you break up with him for me"
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FourteenthDoctor · 21/07/2021 07:35

In that case op yes you should make a clean break and tell your husband. It sounds like otherwise you could end up dead.

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rishisboater · 21/07/2021 07:36

The more I think about it the more I feel like you definitely shouldn't tell the girlfriend. It's rile him and you could be in danger.

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LetItGoHome · 21/07/2021 07:40

You are making this way more complicated than it need be. Cut all contact. Stop making excuses. Your being a drama llama!! And loving it I expect.

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Whydidimarryhim · 21/07/2021 07:40

You need to see a therapist OP - please get the help you need. Tell your friend but would she tell your husband?
Are you happy -

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SmokeyDevil · 21/07/2021 07:41

Oh dear lord you're not worried about how he will react, you are jealous he has another woman that you think he prefers over you.

Stop being selfish, tell your husband, get a divorce and stop seeing this other man. He uses you. You need to work on yourself, and have no relationships. You aren't ready for one.

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MzHz · 21/07/2021 07:42

@Ughmaybenot

It baffles me that you feel this overwhelming sense of ‘she should know’ and yet you’ve been fucking someone else behind your husbands back for years.
Also, the hierarchy of who ‘deserves more’ made me cringe, OMs girlfriend, you… oh yea and your husband.
Stop acting like this is something you have no control over, and like you’re the victim of circumstance here.
You either need to cut it off dead or come clean with your husband, and OMs girlfriend afterwards, if that is what you feel you must do.

100% this

You’re not some simpering laydee, you are allowing this crap, you’re perpetuating it and you’re also fucking over your best friend and fucking over your husband

You are doing this. You.

You can’t make other people do what you think they should do, so woman up and tell him to sling his hook, and mean it.
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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:42

There are a lot of men who use bdsm as a convenient cover for abuse.

It sounds like that's the case here.

Whose idea was it that bdsm role play would be a suitable way of recovering from secual abuse? His? At least partly his?

It sounds like whacky psychology at best.
In fact it just sounds like truly sick exploitation of someone's past sexual abuse.

You need to get out of this situation immediately, especially as you say his behaviour has become dangerous.

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Finallydonewithhim · 21/07/2021 07:43

I have just referred myself to an organisation that deals with sexual violence and abuse. I have worked with them previously about historical abuse which I had finally recognised and had police involvement with. It was through this work that I started to see how unhelpful this friendship was. I did really well to break away as it was at this time he started seeing his new girlfriend.

Yes I believe he targeted he. I also think he’s certain I’ll never tell her the full truth.

She’s been lovebombed by him but not quite in deep enough to not listen. She’s questioning at the moment. I’m so conflicted. I don’t need the extra drama.

I think this would make him tell my DH. The relationship is dead but I was hoping to end it with more kindness than this.

I just need to be on my own.

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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:45

Has anyone actually read ops post at 7.26?

If so, some of your comments are fkg disgraceful. Including the liking the drama ones.

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WhiskeyGalore212 · 21/07/2021 07:47

I have just referred myself to an organisation that deals with sexual violence and abuse

That's great op.

You describe this as a friendship, but you know it isn't and never was. That can be very hard to process and accept when when invested in the idea that that a friendship or ot means something for a long time but .. you need to process & acceot that to get rid of him for good.

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