He’s not ready for a relationship but wants me to be loyal

(111 Posts)
Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:36:07

So I know I’ve let this go on far too long but I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year. He sat me down about 3 months into dating and told me he isn’t ready for a relationship. Despite me wanting a relationship I carried on seeing him, not because I thought I would change his mind but I thought I could cope with it.
We agreed to only sleep with each other and he always says he feels horrible at the thought of me with another man, he’s told me he loves me. We talk all day every day, and have met each other’s family and friends.

Recently I went on a date because I had enough of feeling so worthless. He found out and got upset saying he can’t believe I would do this as we’ve been so good recently, he said him not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with me but it obviously does. He’s been in relationships before me. He said he knows he needs to allow me to be happy but it still upsets him.

I know I need to end it but I’m sat here in tears at the thought of ending it. When I said we were at a dead end and will never be together he asked me is that what I think. Like what is with all these games. Of course if he loved me and didn’t want me to be with anyone we would be together. I feel like such an idiot, it feels so nice when we’re together but I’m just stuck

OP’s posts: |
KirstenBlest Tue 20-Jul-21 09:37:55

He is in a relationship. It's commitment other than yours he doesn't want.

Bin him.

Mumoblue Tue 20-Jul-21 09:38:39

You’re not stuck. You don’t belong to him.
He doesn’t want to make a commitment, so you’re moving on. He has no right to guilt you over that or demand you stay loyal to him while also somehow not being in a relationship with him.

He sounds like a manipulative loser and you’re better off without him. flowers

Maladicta Tue 20-Jul-21 09:39:15

You are worth so much more than this. Bin him.

Orgasmagorical Tue 20-Jul-21 09:39:39

Why do things have to go his way, OP?

Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:40:03

It sounds so desperate but why am I not good enough? I’ve tried so hard, I’ve also tried so hard to not look like I’m trying hard. It’s so exhausting. I just want someone to love me for me

OP’s posts: |
ineedaholidaynow Tue 20-Jul-21 09:40:04

What’s his definition of a relationship?

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CanofCant Tue 20-Jul-21 09:41:50

He's a head fuck. Get rid. Rip the plaster off, take back control and block him.

Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:42:08

They don’t have to go his way but when we’re together it feels so nice. It’s so much easier to not even mention the commitment or non commitment. It’s not even like other men aren’t interested. He knows this and it’s been every week he’s made comments about men interested in me. He said he’s finally started opening up to me and I hurt him. He has to worry what man is next. I explained to him if I was in a relationship I would be loyal

OP’s posts: |
Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:43:39

His definition is asking a girl to be his girlfriend, being loyal and long term. His last girlfriend was never serious according to him but he’s lying. It just insults my intelligence

OP’s posts: |
SilverOak Tue 20-Jul-21 09:44:40

I’m struggling to understand what else he thinks you would do in a “relationship”? You already date and have sex exclusively, you spend time together, you’ve met each other’s families. What else would a “relationship” involve?

I’m going to take a guess here and say that he thinks a “relationship” means “possible future commitment” and that’s what he’s avoiding. In which case you’re better off without him. You are good enough - it’s not you, it’s him.

NeedNewKnees Tue 20-Jul-21 09:44:45

He wants you to be exclusive and him to have options to play the field.

Selfish and unreasonable. Get rid.

ineedaholidaynow Tue 20-Jul-21 09:45:40

So is he seeing anyone else?

Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:46:13

That’s exactly what I said! I said we plan to do things in the future, he wants me to be loyal, he claims he’s also loyal. What more is he hoping for? I think he just doesn’t have those feelings for me and I’m just a placeholder. Fuck knows why I’ve been waiting around for so long

OP’s posts: |
KirstenBlest Tue 20-Jul-21 09:47:14

What it means @Wateringca, is that you are nice enough to hang out with but not to be 'his girlfriend'.

Regularsizedrudy Tue 20-Jul-21 09:47:40

This man is dog shit op. It’s not you that isn’t good enough, HE isn’t good enough and he knows it. If he committed to a relationship with you he knows you would soon realise he isn’t up to standard so he keeps you at arms length, holding out hope. Meanwhile he gets a shag on tap with none of the mundane stuff. You are worth so much more than this total loser.

Wateringca Tue 20-Jul-21 09:47:49

Exactly but if I’m not good enough for that. Why are you so worried what I’m doing with other men?

OP’s posts: |
SilverOak Tue 20-Jul-21 09:47:59

His definition is asking a girl to be his girlfriend, being loyal and long term
So he’s saying that currently he doesn’t want to be loyal? Or he doesn’t want to be reliable, he just wants to be on and off as he feels like it? He’s a time waster, bin him.

PaulaPetunia Tue 20-Jul-21 09:48:02

He sounds like very hard work.

PicsInRed Tue 20-Jul-21 09:48:18

I just want someone to love me for me

You won't find that if you allow this time waster to bench you until your biological clock has run down - at that point these guys usually dump the woman who is now involuntarily childless.

This guy is a type of abuser. Get rid of him and have yourself a decent life - you won't get that with him.

Fireflygal Tue 20-Jul-21 09:49:11

He wants an exclusive FWB?

You want an exclusive relationship where you progress to living together.

What you have is a non exclusive FWB so it doesn't suit either of you.

Don't try to be perfect for this man. Just be you and hold out for what you want and deserve. Rip the plaster off and end this before you waste too many years of your like.

Dontbeme Tue 20-Jul-21 09:49:20

Wateringca

It sounds so desperate but why am I not good enough? I’ve tried so hard, I’ve also tried so hard to not look like I’m trying hard. It’s so exhausting. I just want someone to love me for me

His behaviour is designed to bring out this exact response in you OP. He wants you trying hard, he wants you working twice as hard to conceal how hard you try, he wants you to feel desperate, he wants you to feel like nobody will love you. He wants you dancing to attention at all times for him, all while he sits back and offers nothing. But then you went and messed up his fun by showing a streak of independence and had a date with someone who could show you love and affection and maybe in time the relationship you want. So now Mr Billy Big Bollicks here will amp up the emotional manipulation, "oh if only YOU were loving I was just ready to have a relationship, if only YOU showed faith in me I was just about ready to open up and be closer, but YOU have ruined it all by not being manipulated by me anymore, how could you?"

These are not the actions of a nice man, it's emotional abuse, he is showing you who he is, believe him and run.

CanofCant Tue 20-Jul-21 09:51:16

Wateringca

They don’t have to go his way but when we’re together it feels so nice. It’s so much easier to not even mention the commitment or non commitment. It’s not even like other men aren’t interested. He knows this and it’s been every week he’s made comments about men interested in me. He said he’s finally started opening up to me and I hurt him. He has to worry what man is next. I explained to him if I was in a relationship I would be loyal

He's playing you. Honestly, I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt. You can tie yourself in knots trying to do whatever it is that will get him to commit but he won't. As hurt as you are, I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. You will kick yourself in five years time and wonder why you let him grind you down and doubt yourself. It's not that you aren't good enough, it's that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

CanofCant Tue 20-Jul-21 09:52:00

Dontbeme has just said it so much better, agree with everything they have written.

Whinginadeville Tue 20-Jul-21 09:52:26

'My loyalty will cost you a diamond engagement ring, a set date for our wedding and a timeline for children. If this doesn't suit please don't contact me again!'
If you don't value yourself he won't.

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