Have I done the wrong thing?

(19 Posts)
Ineedicedcoffee Tue 20-Jul-21 00:36:36

Long story short (or as short as possible) broke up with ex (father to DC) beginning of last year. Lots of issues surrounding contact ie. him not turning up, not seeing them for weeks on end. We now have a court order in place. During our relationship there was many a times he’d threaten to kill himself, he was going to go jump off a bridge etc. Once actually grabbing a knife and standing with it against his throat. Even after we’d separated, he was stalking my social media, texting me informing me of who’d liked something etc. So I blocked him, and he went on some sort of tirade.. he wasn’t seeing the kids anymore because I’m so and so and he was going to harm himself. Recently he’d assumed I was seeing someone from work, and informed me we would have serious issues if this was the case, things would change dramatically, etc. I made it clear that it wasn’t any of his business either way and that his concern should be the DC, not what I’m doing. He then started to insist on walking me to work after handover with DC (even when I’ve said no repeatedly), would conveniently walk the long way around after dropping DC at nursery and bump in to me walking to work (he says he fancied walking a different way), would appear in the shops and follow me around (obviously when one of us has DC it’s difficult to ignore him). He’s now started to turn up at my place of work and one on occasion verbally abused the person he assumes me to be seeing, then came to tell me he’d done it! He’s sent threatening text messages and attempted to start arguments in the middle of shops with me (on one occasion my mum was present which led to her phoning the police). Now I’ve given a statement to the police and they’ve seen messages, they’ve arrested him for harassment and stalking. I feel guilty for some reason, I’ve always tried my best to do the right thing in terms of the children and making sure they have a good relationship with their father, even making sure he was okay during lockdown in terms of mental health etc. but he’s effecting my life so much at the moment, I’ve been on edge when I’m at work wondering if he was going to turn up, and it seems he’s doing everything in his power to make my life difficult. I’m concerned for the effect this may have on our DC because of the lack of relationship me and their father will have. I don’t care if people tell me I’ve done the wrong thing either, just I would appreciate some outside opinions!

OP’s posts: |
Shuffleuplove Tue 20-Jul-21 00:38:57

You have 100% done the right thing. Well done you, that’s v v brave. star

user27424799642256 Tue 20-Jul-21 00:45:50

He is an abuser. Thank goodness the police have acted.

What kind of relationship did you want your children to have with an abuser? In what way are they disadvantaged by being protected from this abuser? Why is it bad that the police are acting to protect you all from a dangerous abuser?

Do you still feel guilty when the situation is correctly framed and reflected back to you? That guilt is a product of his prolonged abuse and it is misplaced - you should feel proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

What are the police doing to keep you safe from him?

JuneJuly Tue 20-Jul-21 01:25:15

Sounds like you've done the exact opposite of the wrong thing.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 20-Jul-21 01:32:59

You have done exactly the right thing and you must call the police each and every time he harasses you.

Ineedicedcoffee Wed 21-Jul-21 22:22:31

Thanks for your opinions. I saw him today for the first time since he was arrested (nobody else to hand over DC so bail conditions allow us to do this in a public place) and he apologised for what he’s done, says he’s done all of this out of jealousy and hurt. I still feel bad, but I told him his actions have consequences and he didn’t care about the effect his actions would be having on me and possibly his DC. He asked if he was struggling with the children if he could bring them back to me (due to his mental health) I didn’t know how to respond to that, partly because he effected my mental health to the point of me having the crisis team visit me daily last year (PTSD from birth trauma & PND also didn’t help the situation) and he was nowhere to be seen in regards to helping to look after our DC.

OP’s posts: |
Hanger0n Wed 21-Jul-21 22:40:56

He was harassing and stalking you. Don't feel guilty. You have not done the wrong thing.

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SilverRoe Wed 21-Jul-21 23:01:01

You’ve done the right thing but now he is changing tack and trying for the pity/sympathy way of being involved in your life - and the emotional blackmail with his mental health - just like he did when you were involved.

Is there no one else who can do the drop offs and pick ups because i think it’s best you have as little direct contact as possible.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 21-Jul-21 23:15:19

You’ve 100% done the right thing.

Re him bringing back the DCs if he’s struggling, you know he’ll use this to try and fuck up any chance you have of a social life when they’re supposed to be with him.

However, if it were me I’d do whatever was best for the kids in this situation so if he’s going to be unstable I’d rather they didn’t go to him in the first place. His threats of suicide are worrying and my first thought was “oh god, he could end up as a ‘family annihilator’, putting his threats onto the kids to make his point”. I’m sorry, I know that’s an awful thought, but honestly if he’s that unstable I wouldn’t want them going to him at all. He sounds very volatile.

OliviaNewtAndJohn Wed 21-Jul-21 23:20:15

If he is says he is struggling, take him at his word. He sounds unpredictable and volatile, and you want to avoid your children being on a situation that is highly charged. What ages are they? Old enough to phone you? Has he family nearby? Could you seek supervised contact? I would not take any risks if I were you. If he says he is feeling suicidal, phone emergency services.

billy1966 Wed 21-Jul-21 23:21:01

Well done to your mother for calling the police and well done you for making a statement.

What a horror.

Do not trust him an inch.
flowers

ItPearl Wed 21-Jul-21 23:44:24

It's crazy but that ''fog'' is normal. (fear obligation and guilt) They make you feel like you owe it to them to ignore the 99% crazy bastard and love the 1% good person in there somewhere. Not that they'd return the favour if you were trapped with them, financially dependent on them.

You owe this lunatic nothing.

Honeyroar Thu 22-Jul-21 10:33:23

He’s just changing his tactics. He can’t control you by violence, so he’s playing on your other emotions and trying to make you be in contact with him because you feel guilty. If he’s saying he might have to bring them back because of his mental health perhaps he’s better not having them at all for a while..

Tiger2018 Thu 22-Jul-21 10:44:51

agree with Honeyroar. My ex did this too - at one point I was out with friends and my eldest called me crying to come and get her (she had a stomach ache) and instead of her father actually trying to comfort her himself, had her call me - as I'd always had to be the parent in the marriage and he hated me go out when we were married to, so why would his view on that change when we were no longer together. I went and got both of the kids. Short term is was a pain because I couldn't plan a social life, but at the time my kids needed a stable and 'together' parent.

however it did all eventually calm down because I didn't pander to his shifting tactics (bullying and harassment which ended when I got the police involved) pulling out all of the stops to get me back in line (threatened suicide as well) This didn't build sympathy for him from me. All it did was convince me I'd made the right decision. You have too.

What may help you is you close all conversation down that isn't about the kids (their wellbeing or logistics). Everything else is no longer your concern. I had some stock phrases too which helped - We are no longer in a relationship so I won't talk about the relationship anymore with you. If he continues, do not engage. Any replies from you will feed the compulsion for him, because in his head he will continue to believe that you will take him back.

layladomino Thu 22-Jul-21 11:36:29

You have done the right thing, of course you have. This man has repeatedly shown he doesnt' care about making your life miserable, he doesn't care for your wellbeing, he's happy to use his DC to score points and to control you. You owe him absolutely nothing. He is breaking the law and therefore should expect to be arrested and charged.

I agree with others' comments - he's now changed tack because the Police have been involved. He's trying to control you by guilt and pity, and wants you to agree you'll be at his beck and call if he needs help.

Make clear to him that you will only communicate with him to discuss DC issues that need resolving, nothing else.

If he thinks he can't cope with having his DC, then he should say that up front, for their own wellbeing. Please keep any messages he sends about not being able to cope with the DC / any threats or attempts at manipulation or control.

Your DC safety has to be top proriority for you. Beyond that, this man is not your problem.

JonahofArk Thu 22-Jul-21 11:47:55

layladomino

You have done the right thing, of course you have. This man has repeatedly shown he doesnt' care about making your life miserable, he doesn't care for your wellbeing, he's happy to use his DC to score points and to control you. You owe him absolutely nothing. He is breaking the law and therefore should expect to be arrested and charged.

I agree with others' comments - he's now changed tack because the Police have been involved. He's trying to control you by guilt and pity, and wants you to agree you'll be at his beck and call if he needs help.

Make clear to him that you will only communicate with him to discuss DC issues that need resolving, nothing else.

If he thinks he can't cope with having his DC, then he should say that up front, for their own wellbeing. Please keep any messages he sends about not being able to cope with the DC / any threats or attempts at manipulation or control.

Your DC safety has to be top proriority for you. Beyond that, this man is not your problem.


I agree with all of this.

updownroundandround Thu 22-Jul-21 12:08:49

@Ineedicedcoffee

I think, because of his previous mental health issues and his threats about suicide, as well as his escalating stalking, I'd be asking for supervised contact only with DC's.

This kind of 'reasoning' where he needs to be able to 'contact' you whenever HE wants to, will only feed his 'instability'.

i.e He'll always 'engineer' things so that he can contact you, because you'll be 'afraid' for your DC's.

It will end up being worse for you DC's, not better, because he'll have something to gain by 'not coping' hmm

It's yet another tactic he's using to have some control over you, and the only way to stop him is to arrange for 'supervised contact', so that if he ''feels he's not coping'', there are people there to support him.

It will also mean that you can be sure that your DC's are safe when he sees them.

billy1966 Thu 22-Jul-21 14:33:07

Any hint of threats of suicide need to be past to the police for a welfare check.

He is NOT your responsibility.

If he tries to blackmail you with threats of self harm, tell him you will pass any on to the police to deal with.

This waster is not your responsibility.

flowers

OliveToboogie Thu 22-Jul-21 17:55:23

If he commits suicide that is his choice. He is using it as emotional blackmail. If he threatens it again phone the police. Please keep your guard up he sounds dangerous. If he keeps turning up at work get your boss to phone the police. He is a bully. Don't let him have control. Xx

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