Sex with my husband is terrible, what to do?

[Joanne2015]

I’m 8 years with my hubby. The sex is terrible. He was only ever with one person before so is inexpericed. I’ve tried so many times to spice things up but he isn’t interested. He won’t use toys, watch porn, role play, he doesn’t like me in lingerie. We have 3 young kids together so leaving isn’t an easy option. Plus it would literally destroy him. Truth is I can’t see it getting better! I’m so sexually frustrated and charged snd he’s just happy the way we have sex. I rarely cum and can’t be arsed having sex with him as he’s so predictable. Ive recently been seeking that sexual outlet online abc discovered a kinky side of me that I guess I’ve always had and just never had anyone bring it out in me. Ive never cheated on anyone in my life but the thought of it is occupying my mind more and more. Outside the bedroom we work but sexually there is no chemistry . I can’t ever see him being the dominant confident man I need, it’s not in him. Please don’t jump at me for needing more. I just don’t know what to do as the lack of good sex is killing me. Has anyone been in a similar situation before ? Has their sex life improved? I feel every time I try to show him how to touch me or try something new he dgers defensive and takes it the wrong way… I’ve tried to be gentle about it but is it time to say to him he’s not good in bed amd needs to fix it?

----

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I think the time to say that was before you got married, in all honesty. What possessed you to marry him? Or did he start off okay and then get mega lazy?

[Nuggetnugget]

You are not compatible but surely 8 years and 3 kids you knew this before now. Not everyone is into porn or toys.

[Shuffleuplove]

The worry here is that he’s happy to continue knowing that you’re not satisfied. My ex was like this: ABCD ABCD rinse and repeat. The suggestion of any variation was met with “no, that’s no how I like it.”

[litterbird]

How did you get to this point after marriage and children.....how long were you dating before you married and was this a real issue before? I cant understand how you walked down the aisle with someone who isn't your sexual match?

[OhTheTastyNuts]

To stop him getting defensive can you say that having children has changed how your body responds, so things that used to work for you before no longer do? Then he doesn't get the impression that he's always been rubbish (despite this being the case).

[Joanne2015]

Sex was ok in the beginning but not mind blowing, I just assumed it would grow with us as a couple. We had 3 kids in one year so that has been hard too.. I again assumed it was pregnancy and kids that made me lose my sex drive. A lot of assumptions I know… amd we work as a couple but sexually it’s not there! The thought of leaving fills me with anxiety coz I don’t want to hurt him, see him struggling without us. Family is everything to him

[Fullofglee]

Strange it takes you 8 year a marriage and 3 dc. Surely you must realise that before it got to that stage. I would have ended the relationship before it got that far.

[Joanne2015]

About a year and a half before I was pregnant. I suppose after my previous relationship that was toxic and highly sexual I went for the safe bet, that he was a good man, trustworthy etc. At that point amazing sex wasn’t high on my list of must haves

[Umberellatheweatha]

I'd just tell him frankly that the sex is shit. And that from now on he has to see that you are satisfied before anything else happens. And that's that.

Start saying 'no, that doesn't work for me' if you aren't enjoying things. And stop. Put your pleasure first and foremost for now, until he can prove he actually gives a shit.

[ivfgottwins]

And what if you don't ever find what you are looking for? Is being single and breaking up your otherwise happy family worth it? Is it just a fact that most men get lazy after a while in a relationship so are you only going to have the sex you are looking for with men who aren't looking for anything else? Could you deal with that because for those few minutes (according to the national average anyway!) you are feeling fulfilled?

[wizzywig]

If I was told sex with me was shit, I'd shut down.

[ivfgottwins]

@Umberellatheweatha

I'd just tell him frankly that the sex is shit. And that from now on he has to see that you are satisfied before anything else happens. And that's that.

Start saying 'no, that doesn't work for me' if you aren't enjoying things. And stop. Put your pleasure first and foremost for now, until he can prove he actually gives a shit.

And can you imagine the response on here if a woman was posting that a man has said this to her?!

[MrsCremuel]

I can understand how this would happen. Im not really that sexually compatible with my husband but I’m ok with that as we are really happy in every other area. I stuck with it because I thought it would grow and although it definitely improved, we are not exactly on the same page. The difference though is that though he too was inexperienced he was very open to listening to what I want and trying it. It did take some of the passion out of it initially but it got better. We have a toddler and I’m pregnant now so it’s not a priority at the moment. Tricky if your DH isn’t open to these conversations.

It really depends what YOU can live with though. It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you?

[Joanne2015]

@ivfgottwins

And what if you don't ever find what you are looking for? Is being single and breaking up your otherwise happy family worth it? Is it just a fact that most men get lazy after a while in a relationship so are you only going to have the sex you are looking for with men who aren't looking for anything else? Could you deal with that because for those few minutes (according to the national average anyway!) you are feeling fulfilled?

A question I’ve been asking myself over and over for the past 3 years: it’s a huge risk for being horny

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Tbh you have 2 choices.
Stay and put up with it, I mean if you have told him you aren't getting anything from it and he doesn't care then there's not much you can do about that.

If he has boundaries around toys etc then that has to be respected. Neither of you should be forced into doing things sexually that you aren't comfortable with.

Or 2- you leave.

Honestly it sounds as if you are sexually incompatible. Unfortunately that happens sometimes.

I think that spending the next 18 years in this relationship will destroy any self confidence you have left. And you will.have wasted best most sexually active years of your life for no reason..

There's never a good time to call it. There's always a reason to not go through with it.

It doesn't sound like things will change and he's had a chance to do that.

[FifteenToes]

@Joanne2015

About a year and a half before I was pregnant. I suppose after my previous relationship that was toxic and highly sexual I went for the safe bet, that he was a good man, trustworthy etc. At that point amazing sex wasn’t high on my list of must haves

So the problem is that you made that compromise at a time when you needed something out of him, and now you have the children and don't need it any more?

[mynameisbrian]

I am surprised you married him. Sex is important to me and I wouldnt stay with someone where it wasnt good and enjoyable for both. However I appreciate that for others its not important.

My OH and I have been together for over 20yrs and have always had great sex. (Yes there are ups and downs along the way after having DC.) We communicate during sex, if I am not enjoying it I will say so. There is no point grinding away if it is unpleasant. I would suggest you experiment with him doing other things

[Joanne2015]

Not quite sure why your are being so antagonistic over this, of course I didn’t use him to have children: I love him, I chose to be with him because he is a good man and not a bully. Side note no one in their right mind would choose to have 3 kids in one year, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve made but it is what it is and I can’t change my children being here. Your making out I picked him to have kids with like a sperm doner

[morethanbetter]

It is difficult situation as you might leave and find none compatible plus having 3 children on your own. It might not be the same as my husband was great with sex but having stress, work and young child changed things. I proposed 30 day sex challenge and that helped.

[beastlyslumber]

What about sex therapy? Maybe he could get over himself and find more interest in sex if he had more confidence he knew what he was doing? But if he knows how important this is to you, and isn't prepared to make the effort, then you have another problem.

[Shuffleuplove]

@FifteenToes that’s a really really shitty thing to say. He’s the one that’s crap in bed and isn’t doing anything about it!

[MyMabel]

Ah; rookie mistake. I had sex with a man who was shite once. He went home and I never spoke to him again, I didn’t marry and have kids with him.

[MozambiqueHere]

I don't think there's anything particularly difficult to understand about how you ended up in this situation, OP. Problem is I'm not sure anyone on here can answer your question. As has been said, it really boils down to if you want to leave your husband, who apparently is good in most other areas and is the father to your kids, to find someone who is better at fulfilling your sexual desires. Nobody can make that decision for you.

I wouldn't go down the cheating route though. Not fair on him and nothing good ever comes of it. Either leave him or accept the situation and live with it.

[Nonmaquillee]

Moral of the story: don’t put up with “it’s okay “ sex and expect it to get better. If it’s not amazing at the start, when you fancy the pants off each other and before the pressures of a young family, then it’s never going to be amazing.