Older man

[NotJustfriends]

Please no one berate me for this, as I already feel bad enough, but looking for advice.
I'm in a long term relationship, and have young children. We're due to marry next year, and on the surface I thought everything was fine, until over the past couple of months, I seem to have fallen for a much older man. We have been messaging, mainly to do with a common interest, and it started completely innocent, but now I have developed feelings for him (and I think this is mutual), I know we must stop talking, but I'm finding it so difficult, and it seems to have made me realise the many flaws in my relationship. There has been alot of passive aggressiveness between my partner and I, and we don't seem to really get on most of the time. I must admit I am often grumpy and have a short fuse with him, which I think boils down to my own frustrations with the lack of sex and passion in our relationship. He's never been very affectionate or complimentary, and it does get me down. I'm not trying to blame him, or excuse myself, but these factors have played a big part in how I feel right now... It obviously feels nice to finally get attention and compliments from someone. What do I do? I was the one who pushed for the wedding, maybe out of desperation to "prove our love", and now I'm getting cold feet and keep thinking about how I'm not actually that happy. He's a good man, works hard, loves me and the kids, Nd on paper gives us a great life, but I genuinely don't think he sees me as anything more than the mother to his children, and cannot separate family life, from me and him as an intimate couple, so it just never happens. I have told him how I feel on numerous occasions and he does admit he doesn't show me enough attention, then he "tries harder" for a few days, but it feels so forced, it's just humiliating, and then it goes back to the same old situation, of me feeling sorry for myself. I've given up waiting for him to "come on" to me, and often try to take the lead, but he's so unreceptive, and dejects me time and time again, so again I'm left feeling like a fool, frustrated and fed up. I feel so torn on what to do. I'm not naïve, I don't think this "other man" is my knight in shining armour, here to whisk me away for a better life, but the thought of potentially one day becoming intimate with him, is the only thing keeping me smiling if I'm honest. It's become like an addiction talking to him, even about the most mundane of things. One of us will throw in an extremely subtle bit of flirtation and my heart is racing. I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way, as my partner works so hard to provide an idyllic lifestyle for us. Feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now.

I'm not surprised. But starting an affair won't hope.

If you don't want to get married, then don't.

Don't string the poor guy along. He sounds decent.

It just sounds as though you're bored with him, and perhaps not on the same wavelength sexually (or in general).

Sorry, but I think you need to have an honest chat with him, call off the wedding and do a bit of work on yourself before you leap into anything else.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Won't hope? Sorry, that was meant to say 'won't help'.

[CambsAlways]

I wouldn’t dream of berating you, I think you should hold off the wedding, to get married wouldn’t be a good idea as you say you are not that happy, having a ring on your finger doesn’t mean everything will suddenly be hunky dory, if you are not getting the attention you crave with your partner then of course someone showing you attention will please you and lift your spirits momentarily, you say your partner loves you, but the question here is do you actually love him? What would you like to happen,?

[KaDeWeh]

OP, how old are you, and how old is he?

(I am absolutely not berating you, btw - I am no stranger to such things).

[NotJustfriends]

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I'm 35, partner is 37. The older man is 55... I think I know I need to call off the wedding. I'm just so scared of change, and turning my comfortable life upside down, but equally so fed up of feeling forgotten. Everyone would think I was mad for chucking away my "great" lifestyle, and I obviously want the best/most comfortable life for my children more than anything, so I find it hard to consider what sort of life we'd have if my partner and I did split. They are my main factor for trying to push all this to the back of my mind.
I don't want to sound big headed, but I think I'm quite attractive for my age, people mistake me for much younger, I get compliments (and looks) often from others, so I guess I find it frustrating that my partner either doesn't find me attractive, or doesn't care to show it. I find my partner attractive (he is very handsome) and do tell him this, but it's so one-sided. If I tell him he looks sexy/try to get intimate, he genuinely tenses up and seems uncomfortable, which then makes me feel awful. I feel like maybe we just aren't matched well sexually? This other man often says flattering things, and it just feels so nice to feel attractive. He hasn't said anything sexual, just kind/flirty comments. And the conversation just seems easy, not forced or one sided, like it does with my partner. I feel so selfish and awful for feeling like this when I should just be happy with what I've got. 😩

[WhiskeyGalore212]

Only you and your partner can decide if our relationship is worth saving/workable on.

Might I just emphasise that 55 year old single men, excepting widowers, are usually single for a reason.

[Cantdoitallperfectly]

I understand, your getting something from this older man that your DF is not giving you - he's making you feel desirable and attractive. Had your DF ever made you feel like this?

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I find my partner attractive (he is very handsome) and do tell him this, but it's so one-sided. If I tell him he looks sexy/try to get intimate, he genuinely tenses up and seems uncomfortable, which then makes me feel awful. I feel like maybe we just aren't matched well sexually

Gosh that's hard.

Do you think he's capable of being honest about what's happening with him.

Has this been recent, or how long has he been like that?

[NotJustfriends]

I guess I also need to add that the older man isn't single, which makes the whole situation even worse. God what a complete mess. I don't know, I guess when we were younger things were different, more sexually driven. He's always been a man of few words though and never really filled me with compliments and made me feel desired. I guess life was just busy, saving, buying, renovating houses, working full time, moving around, not really seeing so much of eachother, so life just got in the way of anything I was feeling. Maybe now we're more settled in one place, kids are at school and I'm feeling like "this is it. Forever" and that doesn't fill me with much joy. I do feel as we've got older maybe I need more sex and him less, so our compatibility seems to have just gone out the window there. Which I hear is quite common. But what do other couples do? Compromise? Come to some agreement? I hate the thought of him having sex with me just to "shut me up" and not because he actually wants to, but equally I can't stand feeling so frustrated and unwanted, when I know I could "get it elsewhere" (not saying I actually would) I'd lose so much if we split, I know family and friends would be shocked and take his side. And I wouldn't blame them, like I said he's a decent man, and puts his all into providing for his family. I feel like the world's shittiest person.

[Onthedunes]

How have you met this older man in what context, work or social, is he someone you could wind down exposure with.

I really don' think this older man is the answer, maybe go to councelling with your husband, try to improve your relationship. It won't improve whilst you are comparing another man with him, older or not.

[NotJustfriends]

@whiskeygalore I don't think he would open up about it. He's very prudish when it comes to sex. And even when I've told him before I feel sexually frustrated, he gets embarrassed even talking about it, and makes me feel like I'm some out of control animal demanding sex every day when that is so far from the case. Just makes me feel so unwanted and crap. He'll then be like "come on then, let's do it" but it just feels awful by that point and then he won't think to try again not during an argument. It will be a month or two down the line, when I finally crack and come on to him and have to work past the awkward, uneasy tenseness of him. Then when we do have sex, it's good, for both of us. It's just the whole unnatural build up to it. With this other man I feel like this completely natural situation unfolding, that I know would lead into a naturally intimate situation if we both let it. I wouldn't do that to my partner, or his wife, and I know we need to stop talking, as I need to take a step back and stop this before it gets too far. Like I said though, it feels like an addiction at the moment. So hard to not contact him, or respond when it makes me so happy, and at the moment we haven't actually "done anything wrong". I know what were both thinking though, and I know that is wrong.

[NotJustfriends]

@whiskey no I don't think he's capable of talking about it. He's very prudish when it comes to sex and gets embarrassed at the mention of it.

[NotJustfriends]

Sorry first message didn't post so sent a short version and now both are there!

[Fustyoldface]

Oh op the other man, don’t throw a grenade in your life. You’ve got to talk to your partner like you are here but no blame just lay it out about how you are missing intimacy and how to work together to get it hack (if that’s what you want)
Don’t be shitty and break up someone else’s relationship because you’re not happy.

[Fustyoldface]

Reading your post above, it’s too much pressure I suppose. What about reconnecting in some way. Sounds cheesy but a laugh together doing some activity or a night out just being easy on each other and having a laugh. Then the pressure is off and you can build up attraction to each other again

[Elieza]

Keep away from the other man for a while.

Meanwhile decide what you want from your impending marriage. To me it doesn’t sound like you are well matched and would be better separating for a while. Or get marriage counselling. But I don’t think getting married will improve your relationship.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I guess I also need to add that the older man isn't single

Well then, if he's being anything more than just friendly, he's acting inappropriately and it doesn't say good things about him, re his respsect and loyalty and integrity towards a presumably longterm wife./partner.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I know family and friends would be shocked and take his side. And I wouldn't blame them, like I said he's a decent man, and puts his all into providing for his family. I feel like the world's shittiest person.

Lots of people would not want to stay in a marriage where sex is not as frequent as they'd like (and it doesn't sound like you're wantng to have sex to an excessive degree), but above all that they have to initiate it and that their initiation is not well met, they feel like their partner is giving in/going along with it doing them a favour.

Like, fk no; who would be happy with that!

I think it feel seven more hurtful etc for us a women because of this cliche that men are always up for it and they might initiate more.

Problem is you probably won't be able to be honest with family about this sexual issue.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn;t end it.

Dont think the older man is the solutio though - he's attached, and its very early days with him - everyone can be sexy and full of desire etc. at that early, novel stage.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

He could get ED sooner or later - more common the older men get.

I'm (mostly) joking.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

And even when I've told him before I feel sexually frustrated, he gets embarrassed even talking about it, and makes me feel like I'm some out of control animal demanding sex every day when that is so far from the case. Just makes me feel so unwanted and crap. He'll then be like "come on then, let's do it" but it just feels awful by that point and then he won't think to try again not during an argument. It will be a month or two down the line, when I finally crack and come on to him and have to work past the awkward, uneasy tenseness of him. Then when we do have sex, it's good, for both of us. It's just the whole unnatural build up to it.

I'm cringing even as an outsider; you poor thing.

Fwiw I'm in a sexless marriage and my dh (not old) doesn't even get hard if we cuddle etc. But I don't have any real urge to have sex with him so ...

[Sarahm1073]

Has it always been like this with your DF, or just recently?, as we’ve all been living in strange times.

[MrsMaizel]

@WhiskeyGalore212

Only you and your partner can decide if our relationship is worth saving/workable on.

Might I just emphasise that 55 year old single men, excepting widowers, are usually single for a reason.

Is that the same reason why the single women on MN have a reason they are single ?

[NotJustfriends]

@onthedunes I've met him through him being a client at my place of work, and we seemed to instantly have a connection. A situation came up where I was going to need to contact him directly, so we swapped numbers (probably the first mistake) and we've talked ever since. He organised something for me (can't really go into details) but it was a special "thing" he arranged for me through his workplace, which I was really grateful for, and since then we've talked daily.

[IsItAKindofDream]

You are having an emotional affair with a married man. That’s a shitty thing to do.

You can leave your partner if you want to. But if you want to stay with him, you won’t fix things while you are directing your emotional energy onto another man.

[NotJustfriends]

I wouldn't try or want to break up his relationship with his wife, I wouldn't do that to another woman. I know we shouldn't be talking as frequently as we do, and the flirty comments are obviously us both taking it a step too far. Doesn't stop me having this wild fantasy that life would be great if we became intimate together, but no one finds out, and that way "everyone is happy"... I know that is absolutely crazy, as in reality it wouldn't happen like that, and as I said, I wouldn't want to risk breaking up two relationships, for my own selfish desires. I can't lie that I do think about it often though. I imagine kissing him and it makes my heart race. I just can't see me ever "getting over" these feelings for him, and I guess that's what I'm struggling with the most. I can't see myself ever thinking "that was a crazy time when I fancied that bloke 20 years older than me... What was I thinking?!" Think I could just shut up and put up with the lack of intimacy in my own relationship, if there wasn't this separate issue, of feeling so overwhelmingly attracted to someone else.