Friends disappeared .. again.. do I?

[Windingroad21]

Long time poster who flounced and came back with a new username.. hello!

I’ve had a long term friend and really close confidant, let’s call her A. She has this habit of being really in and then really out of communication. I (stupidly) have not challenged this before, made excuses in my head that ‘it’s just the way she is’.

More recently, it’s really began to peeve me. A started a new business which on the face of it didn’t seem a great move (I work in this field and have a lot of experience). I supported A fully and her business partner ‘did a number’ on her (not sure if true with hindsight). Anyway, point is.. she stopped randomly replying to messages from me for the best part of two months. Then, all of a sudden, is back in touch when she needs help. Me being me, helped her massively with a series of complaints, tax issues and business law (when I myself have a lot on and not massive mental capacity to take on others issues, but figured she’s my friend).

Since then comms have been on and off. She’s been getting work done at home and I supported and helped her through this too, even helping with DIY myself.

Now, once more, she’s gone off the radar. This time it was mid conversation. Nothing at all to cause it and complete radio silence. I’m really pissed off. How should I approach this? DP says challenge her on it but I don’t see the point. I’m having MH issues myself and don’t want the conflict/ to be gaslit potentially to believe I’m somehow at fault (don’t believe I am).

This is enhanced probably as my other close friend, let’s call her S, has got a new job and has went from being unemployed to the chief of the world and lauded over everyone in her circle with self importance. Whilst I’m really pleased for her, she’s completely changed and not asked a single question about me in almost a year. I’ve got so fed up of it all that I want to just tell them all to get stuffed. Or go missing in action myself.

What would you do ?

[Hadalifeonce]

Sometimes you just need to let friendships end, I have done this, and had it done to me. It sounds as though you are getting very little from the relationship.

[Windingroad21]

Thanks for the response @Hadalifeonce I feel like being petty and leaving it an equal amount of time when A eventually does come back from her long hiatus. But then, what’s the point? Feels like it’s happened once too often and I can’t be arsed challenging it now.

I feel very sad as these are my only two fiends and it’s all gone to shit.

[Windingroad21]

*friends not fiends.. though maybe mumsnet is trying to tell me something

[AryaStarkWolf]

I wouldn't even bother challenging her, she sounds like a user, I'd just stop replying to her whenever she does try to get back in contact

[DoItAfraid]

Friend A is a user.

Friend S - set a timeline and if she hasnt calmed down by then either say something or terminate.

[Rainbowshine]

If they contact you expecting help just reply with “really busy with my own stuff, you’ll have to look elsewhere this time”. Repeat that enough times and they’ll either adapt and be better friends or (more likely) you’ll hardly hear from them again. Job done.

[Windingroad21]

Think I might just do that. I’ve half started a DIY job at hers which will require me to complete it which I feel bad about though. But maybe she should have thought of that?

[Rainbowshine]

Sorry that’s more relevant for the first friend. Second one I would just say I have to go now after about 3 minutes of listening to their monologue and end the call.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Windingroad21

Think I might just do that. I’ve half started a DIY job at hers which will require me to complete it which I feel bad about though. But maybe she should have thought of that?

Why would you feel bad? This is her own doing

[Windingroad21]

@DoItAfraid it’s been a year! Made worse by the fact in this time I’ve had huge issues at work, compounding in MH issues and not once has she asked how I am- despite having the insight. It stings.

I had thought I was overthinking it until last year when I had her over in the back garden when we could and DP who notices not all that much said he didn’t like her one bit as all she did was talk about herself and didn’t ask me one single thing all evening or thank us for supper etc.

[Rainbowshine]

Just say circumstances have changed and you’re not able to help with the DIY anymore. If they ask questions just say it’s a confidential work thing and you can’t disclose more details due to the client (or something like that).

[Windingroad21]

@AryaStarkWolf I guess I feel bad as I know she can’t complete it herself and I fully intended on completing the job but now? Now I feel like a massive F you and I can’t be doing with helping you fix your life at your convenience when you can’t afford me the courtesy of a message / finishing a conversation or checking in.

I am so done with it all.

[AmberIsACertainty]

A is a user. S is a dick. I'd never contact either of them again. Put some of the energy you've been giving these two into doing a social hobby you enjoy where you'll meet like-minded people who hopefully won't be users or dicks.

[bigbaggyeyes]

Absolutely don't finish the job when she reappears. Just ignore her like she has you.

You need to start to put boundaries in place to stop people taking the piss

[Daphnesmate07]

A is a user. S is a dick. I'd never contact either of them again. Put some of the energy you've been giving these two into doing a social hobby you enjoy where you'll meet like-minded people who hopefully won't be users or dicks.

This seems like good advice. I am yet to find my tribe but I'm working on it with this in mind.

[BorderlineHappy]

Well A should have thought of that before she disappeared.So I wouldn't finish the DIY,for her

Maybe she'll appreciate the next person more.

[Windingroad21]

Thank you for these messages. You are totally right about boundaries @bigbaggyeyes. I’d began implementing some (big deal for me!) when A sent me a message instructing I collect her various pieces for the job I was helping her with en route. I promptly said no, I’m already helping and driving an hour to yours. Order yourself from Amazon and have them delivered. I felt really strong saying that.

Clearly I have been pissed all over if the expecting is just ‘instruct’ me and I will do it. Feel such a mug.

So over it.

[AnaViaSalamanca]

Don’t bother call her (A) on it. She will just manage and pacify you for a while then back to normal. Such people are full of excuses and sob stories ans their time and issues are more important than yours.

Like PP said she is a user. Phase her out of your life

[Windingroad21]

She also never says where she is going, or what she has been up to. It’s all a big mystery and I’m beginning to wonder if a lot of her ‘trips to the country’ are sheer fabrications and she’s sitting at home herself.

I was single for bloody years and lived alone, and it was shit. When asked by those close to me I was honest about how there were weekends where I saw or spoke to no one, so there really is no shame in speaking up.. it all feels like smoke and mirrors.

[TheFoundations]

Make some new friends, so that if a friendship cools, it's only a small percentage of your social network that suffers, rather than a large part of it. People come and go. People change.

[Windingroad21]

That’s what I feel like, it’s just very hard right now and even before the pandemic I tried apps like MeetUp to reach out to new people and groups, but no success

[66babe]

I've been in a similar position OP with my one and only friend
I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought I was being the bigger person ... to be shat on again 8 months later ... never again
Sorry you are going through this
A is a dick
S will land on her arse

[TheFoundations]

What do you do for yourself, OP? What things that build your sense of fulfillment in life? That build your self respect?

Your life and contentment aren't based around whether these 2 people pay you the attention you want.

[AmberIsACertainty]

@Windingroad21

That’s what I feel like, it’s just very hard right now and even before the pandemic I tried apps like MeetUp to reach out to new people and groups, but no success

Join some things where it's not dependent on others allowing you to join but upon paying your membership fee. Obviously with covid not much going on right now I expect but when it's over see what's out there.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

@AnaViaSalamanca

Don’t bother call her (A) on it. She will just manage and pacify you for a while then back to normal. Such people are full of excuses and sob stories ans their time and issues are more important than yours.

Like PP said she is a user. Phase her out of your life

Or she may blow up, and it ends up really unpleasant (voice of experience here). There is this idea, that if only we tell people how we feel about these things, they'll take it on board. Doesn't always happen. Maybe retreat and don't do any of her stuff for her would be the least damaging option.