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Relationships

Red Flags, or Am I Overreacting?

204 replies

thewinterqueen · 03/07/2021 18:43

So I started seeing a guy that I met online three weeks ago. He is charming, and acted the perfect gentleman. He insisted on paying for everything, (even my parking ticket!) and insisted on doing the same for our dates. He even bought me flowers each time, and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. He seemed very nervous too.

Last weekend, we were supposed to meet Friday, but I got rushed to hospital with kidney stones. I was hospitalised over the weekend. He was very worried, and begged to come and see me, but I said there was no point because of covid restrictions. You aren't allowed to be accompanied in hospital at present, and I felt like crap, so I wanted my space. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come and camp outside the hospital in his car, and then said that he'd been talking to a nurse who worked in the same hospital, and how they weren't allowed to keep me in A+E (accident and emergency) for over 12 hours, blah blah. I told him that I was in the right place, but I felt unsettled by him having conversations with a nurse, and did not know if they were sharing details about me. I have ongoing mental health issues that I don't want discussed, and was worried that this nurse would be telling him.

When I came home on Sunday, I was tired and sick, and he kept asking to come and see me. I felt awful, so said no. He proceeded to send me messages every 30 minutes and on Monday, I woke up to a huge bunch of flowers and a teddy on my doorstep. Then I started to get coffees arriving throughout the day. I could not rest or relax, because the doorbell kept ringing. He sent me pictures of all the gifts he was buying me - bath salts, bubble bath, ornaments, statues, etc. he said they were all waiting for me. It all got too much. On Tuesday, I ventured out to get some milk, and suddenly got inundated with calls from him. It turned out that there was yet another coffee on the doorstep, and he wanted to know where I was. When I said I'd just popped out for milk, he went quiet and didn't say anything. Then I got more coffees arriving.

I felt really, really claustrophobic, and it set my anxiety off massively. I felt panicky, as well as sick, and told him that I needed some space because it was too much. He got upset and said he'd ordered me lots of gifts for the next day, and told me to throw them in the bin when they arrived. He kept saying that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and said he was just trying to be the boyfriend that I deserved. He keeps asking where he stands, and I keep telling him that I've already told him.

I have spoken to him since, and he still does not understand what he has done wrong. It feels like he won't get it. It also turns out that he's been in prison for manslaughter - he attacked someone for hitting his previous girlfriend, or so he says. He told me this on the second date, and I am not a judgemental person at all, but I am started to worrying that these behaviours are dangerous. Some of my friends think he's just being caring, but others are saying run a mile. I have put the breaks on, but am wondering what others think? I have a horrible habit of attracting abusive partners, so I am very very worried, and perhaps I am worrying too much?

OP posts:
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chipsandpeas · 03/07/2021 18:45

run away

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makinganavalon · 03/07/2021 18:46

Hiya, I have no experience in this but I see a red flag in the fact that when you asked for space, he did not respect your right to space at a difficult time and continued pushing it. The gifts albeit it in my opinion slightly creepy is not what would worry me here, it's the reaction to your request to stop with them.

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rjacksmiss · 03/07/2021 18:46

Eekk. Bye bye

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WlderRosie · 03/07/2021 18:47

Run a mile. Don’t look back.

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Tay1980 · 03/07/2021 18:48

Get out of this ‘relationship’ ASAP….text him and say you’re not ready for a relationship and then block him. Make notes of any further contact and if it gets out of hand call the police. I’ve been in a very similar situation and it didn’t end well, he sounds obsessive and you need to cut him off. Don’t consider his feelings just do it xx

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Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 18:48

End it, you might also need to move Sad

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CurryLover55 · 03/07/2021 18:49

One word - RUN!!

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ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/07/2021 18:49

Ffs. RUN.

You need to do a Clare's law request, he sounds potentially dangerous even before you mentioned that he is already a convicted killer.

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AttaGirrrrl · 03/07/2021 18:50

Run. Run fast. Or as fast as you can past the pile of coffees.

Send him a final message saying it is over. If he messages you again say you will report him for harassment if he continues- and mean it!

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PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 18:50

You need to ask?! 🚩

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browneyes77 · 03/07/2021 18:51

Honestly, he’s sounds way too intense.

A normal person would accept your explanation of why their behaviour was coming across in a negative way and back off.

If he’s making you feel uncomfortable and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, I’d listen to it.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2021 18:51

Block this man on all channels, he is absolutely love bombing you here and he is a giant red flag.

Do not enter into any further relationship until your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are improved further. To this end I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. It would also be a good idea to contact Women’s Aid re keeping yourself safe.

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NotaCoolMum · 03/07/2021 18:51

Holy crap- run- FAST!

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LittleRedPill · 03/07/2021 18:51

Jesus. He doesn’t respect your boundaries at all. Massive red flag. I’d run a mile.

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PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 18:52

Wait I just missed the end bit?? You were ok with dating him after you found out he had killed someone? Are you ok 😐

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Cosybelles · 03/07/2021 18:52

Run for the hills.

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NotaCoolMum · 03/07/2021 18:52

P.S. it’s ok to be “judgmental” about someone who’s been to prison for killing someone else.

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Ozberry · 03/07/2021 18:52

I’m amazed the prison sentence didn’t put you off. Definitely no from me.

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PumpkinKlNG · 03/07/2021 18:53

Maybe stay off dating for a while if that wasn’t enough to put you off! Suggests your boundaries are very off

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SnarkyBag · 03/07/2021 18:53

Jesus I’d have run after the the bathrobe and towel set. You need to reset your creepy fucker radar!

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AtrociousCircumstance · 03/07/2021 18:53

Wtf? He’s a fucking maniac. Dump immediately.

Terrifying.

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twiggytwoo · 03/07/2021 18:54

It's a sea of red flags

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Mamamamasaurus · 03/07/2021 18:54

He's a walking red flag. Camping outside the hospital!!??



Block and delete.




The hills are that way >>>>>>

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Immaback · 03/07/2021 18:54

Run and don’t look back. None of this is normal. Please don’t continue with this man!

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Lampan · 03/07/2021 18:54

This is really scary. Definitely run a mile. I cannot understand how your friends think this is acceptable ‘caring’ behaviour??
The flowers on dates would be too much for me, let alone the dressing gown and towels. You only met online 3 weeks ago. You don’t know each other at all.

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