Red Flags, or Am I Overreacting?

(205 Posts)
thewinterqueen Sat 03-Jul-21 18:43:05

So I started seeing a guy that I met online three weeks ago. He is charming, and acted the perfect gentleman. He insisted on paying for everything, (even my parking ticket!) and insisted on doing the same for our dates. He even bought me flowers each time, and invested in a dressing gown, towel set, toothbrush and hot water bottle for his flat for when I eventually stayed. I thought it was all sweet. He seemed very nervous too.

Last weekend, we were supposed to meet Friday, but I got rushed to hospital with kidney stones. I was hospitalised over the weekend. He was very worried, and begged to come and see me, but I said there was no point because of covid restrictions. You aren't allowed to be accompanied in hospital at present, and I felt like crap, so I wanted my space. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to come and camp outside the hospital in his car, and then said that he'd been talking to a nurse who worked in the same hospital, and how they weren't allowed to keep me in A+E (accident and emergency) for over 12 hours, blah blah. I told him that I was in the right place, but I felt unsettled by him having conversations with a nurse, and did not know if they were sharing details about me. I have ongoing mental health issues that I don't want discussed, and was worried that this nurse would be telling him.

When I came home on Sunday, I was tired and sick, and he kept asking to come and see me. I felt awful, so said no. He proceeded to send me messages every 30 minutes and on Monday, I woke up to a huge bunch of flowers and a teddy on my doorstep. Then I started to get coffees arriving throughout the day. I could not rest or relax, because the doorbell kept ringing. He sent me pictures of all the gifts he was buying me - bath salts, bubble bath, ornaments, statues, etc. he said they were all waiting for me. It all got too much. On Tuesday, I ventured out to get some milk, and suddenly got inundated with calls from him. It turned out that there was yet another coffee on the doorstep, and he wanted to know where I was. When I said I'd just popped out for milk, he went quiet and didn't say anything. Then I got more coffees arriving.

I felt really, really claustrophobic, and it set my anxiety off massively. I felt panicky, as well as sick, and told him that I needed some space because it was too much. He got upset and said he'd ordered me lots of gifts for the next day, and told me to throw them in the bin when they arrived. He kept saying that he didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and said he was just trying to be the boyfriend that I deserved. He keeps asking where he stands, and I keep telling him that I've already told him.

I have spoken to him since, and he still does not understand what he has done wrong. It feels like he won't get it. It also turns out that he's been in prison for manslaughter - he attacked someone for hitting his previous girlfriend, or so he says. He told me this on the second date, and I am not a judgemental person at all, but I am started to worrying that these behaviours are dangerous. Some of my friends think he's just being caring, but others are saying run a mile. I have put the breaks on, but am wondering what others think? I have a horrible habit of attracting abusive partners, so I am very very worried, and perhaps I am worrying too much?

OP’s posts: |
chipsandpeas Sat 03-Jul-21 18:45:19

run away

makinganavalon Sat 03-Jul-21 18:46:15

Hiya, I have no experience in this but I see a red flag in the fact that when you asked for space, he did not respect your right to space at a difficult time and continued pushing it. The gifts albeit it in my opinion slightly creepy is not what would worry me here, it's the reaction to your request to stop with them.

rjacksmiss Sat 03-Jul-21 18:46:22

Eekk. Bye bye

WlderRosie Sat 03-Jul-21 18:47:31

Run a mile. Don’t look back.

Tay1980 Sat 03-Jul-21 18:48:00

Get out of this ‘relationship’ ASAP….text him and say you’re not ready for a relationship and then block him. Make notes of any further contact and if it gets out of hand call the police. I’ve been in a very similar situation and it didn’t end well, he sounds obsessive and you need to cut him off. Don’t consider his feelings just do it xx

Oneandanotherone Sat 03-Jul-21 18:48:44

End it, you might also need to move sad


CurryLover55 Sat 03-Jul-21 18:49:13

One word - RUN!!

ScaredOfDinosaurs Sat 03-Jul-21 18:49:52

Ffs. RUN.

You need to do a Clare's law request, he sounds potentially dangerous even before you mentioned that he is already a convicted killer.

AttaGirrrrl Sat 03-Jul-21 18:50:18

Run. Run fast. Or as fast as you can past the pile of coffees.

Send him a final message saying it is over. If he messages you again say you will report him for harassment if he continues- and mean it!

PumpkinKlNG Sat 03-Jul-21 18:50:25

You need to ask?! 🚩

browneyes77 Sat 03-Jul-21 18:51:01

Honestly, he’s sounds way too intense.

A normal person would accept your explanation of why their behaviour was coming across in a negative way and back off.

If he’s making you feel uncomfortable and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, I’d listen to it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 03-Jul-21 18:51:30

Block this man on all channels, he is absolutely love bombing you here and he is a giant red flag.

Do not enter into any further relationship until your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are improved further. To this end I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. It would also be a good idea to contact Women’s Aid re keeping yourself safe.

NotaCoolMum Sat 03-Jul-21 18:51:32

Holy crap- run- FAST!

LittleRedPill Sat 03-Jul-21 18:51:38

Jesus. He doesn’t respect your boundaries at all. Massive red flag. I’d run a mile.

PumpkinKlNG Sat 03-Jul-21 18:52:15

Wait I just missed the end bit?? You were ok with dating him after you found out he had killed someone? Are you ok 😐

Cosybelles Sat 03-Jul-21 18:52:17

Run for the hills.

NotaCoolMum Sat 03-Jul-21 18:52:21

P.S. it’s ok to be “judgmental” about someone who’s been to prison for killing someone else.

Ozberry Sat 03-Jul-21 18:52:39

I’m amazed the prison sentence didn’t put you off. Definitely no from me.

PumpkinKlNG Sat 03-Jul-21 18:53:12

Maybe stay off dating for a while if that wasn’t enough to put you off! Suggests your boundaries are very off

SnarkyBag Sat 03-Jul-21 18:53:46

Jesus I’d have run after the the bathrobe and towel set. You need to reset your creepy fucker radar!

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 03-Jul-21 18:53:54

Wtf? He’s a fucking maniac. Dump immediately.


twiggytwoo Sat 03-Jul-21 18:54:26

It's a sea of red flags

Mamamamasaurus Sat 03-Jul-21 18:54:32

He's a walking red flag. Camping outside the hospital!!??

Block and delete.

The hills are that way >>>>>>

Immaback Sat 03-Jul-21 18:54:51

Run and don’t look back. None of this is normal. Please don’t continue with this man!

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in