How to walk away when it's not working

(150 Posts)
tct131416 Mon 28-Jun-21 16:31:09

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

OP’s posts: |
seensome Mon 28-Jun-21 17:08:31

He doesn't sound very mature and the friends he has are sadly a reflection of who he is, he won't change so if you put up then you'll never be happy, I think it gets to point when he's pushed your boundaries too far and you say enough is enough, when this time does come, enjoy the drama free life, go no contact and trust that he isn't the only man you'll have feelings for and you can find someone better in the future , I think a lot of the time it's fear of letting go but it's clearly not working out, you are too different and doesn't sound much of a catch for anyone tbh

Norahsplan Mon 28-Jun-21 17:46:05

He sounds selfish. Its not the same at all but I've just got out of a link with someone selfish who only thought about himself and if I ever wanted to talk about my feelings I was shut down.

The man I was involved with was 47 and had recently started having wrong UN's around his house. In their 20s etc and he also allowed them to smoke weed and drink around his. He has an addictive personality so he no longer drinks or smokes weed. But I used to feel like I didn't trust his behaviour as he was mingling with these people.

I can't tell you exactly what to do. But be honest with yourself and ask yourself what do you get from him? What is it that he has that you need or crave? In my case it was the realisation our goals were just not matching up. Plus he was a full on manchild. He had Alot of bad background anyway and liked women. So he was a liar and cheat. But the principle is still the same. Your guy isn't matching you in your goals.

It doesn't sound like a very positive relationship and he's causing you anxiety and stress. Plus like you say you are doing the bulk of the chores. Again. It was always me ordering his shopping. Lending him money. Helping him set up accounts. He sent me gifts to start with. But in the end I send him stuff and he didn't bother anymore. It was just a very selfish vibe coming from him eventually.

It's just so off-putting. When you think about him having bad friendships. Dodgy habits going on around him. Tries to put you down by suggesting you want his money instead of respecting you and what you bring to his life.i don't like money being a power thing! Being rude about your parenting. My ex occasionally questioned my parenting and he left his children as little girls! It was things like if they were bad he'd say well you wanted them (the irony from someone who decided after breeding them he wasn't going to stick around) or when I did us a pizza night. He asked why mums feed their children that rubbish. This is the guy who lived of microchips and beans on toast. My kids have good meals and veg every day.
He's also not putting effort in. Not being thoughtful. Which doesn't have to be constant does it. But he should be the one to make plans or treat you occasionally. Again my ex used to boast about all the gifts he got his ex. But he was cheating on her. So I think she would have probably preferred the loyality over the handbags and Chamila charm bracelets. Lol.

Anyway he sounds like a pain in the bum and childlike. You deserve better. But I understand it's hard to give these men up. Good luck

EarthSight Mon 28-Jun-21 17:48:17

I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs

Oh for fuck's sake. Really????

Stop. Just stop. Your are clearly a generous person who's in a relationship with someone who is just not like that or has never asked for it.

You love him (I assume) and you want to do things for him....but why have you turned into his mum?? He is an adult male. Part of respecting someone's adult autonomy is stop step back and realise that they are not a child or a patient. Did he ask you to do his washing, cooking, cleaning, food shop and make his home nice? He is perfectly capable of doing all of these things. You need to stop doing all of this immediately. By doing all these things you have willingly put yourself into a domestic role for someone who has no plans to return your servitude. When did all of that start?

He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble

Well at least he hasn't made any silly promises he has no intention of keeping. He's told you who he is in his actions - a silly drug taker in his 40s with friends who are a decade younger than him who all shag about and each other. He sounds very self-centred and self-serving.

So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

What is he currently offering you as a person? Why is he so delightful to be around? Is it companionship? Sex?

Stop listening to what he's saying and start looking at the hard evidence.

What evidence has he provided so far that he will no engage in drug taking or other illegal activities? So often on these board, hard drug taking is never that far away from prostitutes.

What evidence had he provided that he will help you when times are tough?

What evidence has he provided that shows he's compatible with your children? That you have any kind of future together?

What evidence has he provided that he is there for you with emotional support? That you work well together as a team?

Are you sure this man is your partner, as that he thinks of you in that way too? Sadly, I think the wealth disparity between you is making him distrustful and it sounds like he doesn't respect you very much. I'm not sure he's really serious about you OP. Sorry, but it almost sounds like you're his lovely bit on the side he goes visits every now & again and lets clean his house.

litterbird Mon 28-Jun-21 18:07:02

Just stop everything....can you imagine him moving in with your children who he already thinks are unruly? You have been blindsided by love it seems. Get a grip, just finish it, he is not the one that should be around your children. I switched off when you mentioned coke and his friends. Dont let them near your children let alone you. Just finish it, block him on every platform and get over it. Its hard, really hard but you have no choice. There is no future for you with him.

category12 Mon 28-Jun-21 18:12:24

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness.

Then what's the bloody point of the relationship? Being with someone is supposed to add good things to your life.

He sounds like a nob and you really need to examine why you're pouring your efforts and emotions into a one-sided relationship. Do you have some self-esteem issues? Why do you think you don't deserve anything back?

category12 Mon 28-Jun-21 18:30:25

And pardon me but what the fuck are you doing, doing his housework and laundry when you don't even live together properly?

I mean, ffs, it's shit when the woman ends up doing most of the housework when you're married and have kids together, but jesus h christ, what are you doing skivvying for the guy?

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category12 Mon 28-Jun-21 18:36:31

No wonder he thinks he's Lord God King Buttfuck.

Please god, find the momentum to dump his arse hard.

BornIn78 Mon 28-Jun-21 18:38:18

I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs

It never fails to surprise me just how many women are eager to step in and do all the shitwork for these lazy fuckers, then start threads whining that they’re now being treated like the drudge that they have willing turned themselves into.

Please scrape what remain of your self esteem off the floor and just leave him. Or accept that this is as good as it gets with him and learn to live with it.

Annasgirl Mon 28-Jun-21 18:44:27

category12

And pardon me but what the fuck are you doing, doing his housework and laundry when you don't even live together properly?

I mean, ffs, it's shit when the woman ends up doing most of the housework when you're married and have kids together, but jesus h christ, what are you doing skivvying for the guy?

This. OP, why are you minding his children?????

Please end this. Honestly when I read the first paragraph, I thought you were both child free. Then I read he had children - and he does coke😱 no, no, no. And what about your children??? Why would you even date a man who takes cocaine, never mind let your children share a home with him?

End it, move on with your life and please, look at your boundaries before you date again.

BrilliantBetty Mon 28-Jun-21 18:45:19

You just decided you're going to do it and then, when you're quite sure, Jump!
Remove his number, all contact stops, no being 'friends'. You just don't have any more contact at all.

I don't think it will work if you keep umming ahing

mynameisbrian Mon 28-Jun-21 18:57:19

Your a mug. He offers nothing, you head to his home, clean and do his laundry and parent his DC. Win win for him. He isnt interested in doing the same for you. It suits him this current situation. You need to raise your bar. I would have been humiliated for my mum if she dragged me to her partners house and started doing his housework. What kind of example are you setting for your kids.

youvegottenminuteslynn Mon 28-Jun-21 19:15:10

You're not only being mugged off, you're showing your children that it's ok for men to mug women off and you're knowingly bringing an arsehole drug user into your kids lives.

What on earth are you thinking?! Snap out of it and end this arrangement, I can't even call it a relationship as it's entirely one sided.

Stop showing children than women are for cooking, cleaning and childcare but men aren't. It's so fucking damaging.

Moonface123 Mon 28-Jun-21 19:29:19

Your clutching at straws, he's a waste of time. Think of the peace of mind you will have without all this nonsense. You could wait forever hoping for him to become the partner you want him to be, but he's just not capable. Raise your standards and walk away.

tct131416 Mon 28-Jun-21 19:34:17

My kids rarely come to his house so they don't really see any of it. I spend my 50% of time when I don't have the kids at his and he occasionally comes up to mine when I have the kids.

He's spent so much time telling me I'm the problem though that my self esteem is in the gutter. I realise having written it down I'm a mug but that just gives me confidence an even bigger knock and makes it feel even harder to end it.

It's gradually turned into what it is now, I'm sure if it was like this from day one I wouldn't have given it the time of day.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Mon 28-Jun-21 19:44:27

You can rebuild your self-esteem.

He's actually quite emotionally abusive, I would say, he dismisses your valid feelings, shouts you down, turns everything around on you, repetends you're the critical one, suggests awful things about your character.

Your first step on the road to recovery from him, is to dump him.

What stuff do you have at his house? What stuff does he have at yours? Bag up his shit & go over and dump his there and collect yours when he's not around (I presume you have a key?)

If he has a habit of talking you around, then stick your key through his letterbox along with a Dear John letter and go home and block him on everything. Otherwise tell him you're done and mean it, and get your mum and friends to talk you down anytime you feel like you want to go back.

You can do this.

category12 Mon 28-Jun-21 19:45:01

repetends is supposed to be pretends

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Mon 28-Jun-21 19:51:53

Wipe the word doormat off your forehead, get up off the floor and kick him out

Norahsplan Mon 28-Jun-21 19:53:43

@tct131416

These replies are harsh. They are right with what they are saying. But they are wording it the way they are because it's much easier to give advice than take it. Especially when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Which comes on a large scale.

I understand it's hard. Because as I said I've just had to get away from someone who was bad for me. It was different in some ways to you. But there's some similarities. .

The person who said it's the point when you've had enough is correct. You have got to want to do it. For me it was finding out he had sex with someone from tinder. That was enough for me. I thought that's it now. You've crossed the line. I can't deal with you anymore. I want you gone. I sent one final message saying I was sick of him putting me down. Lying..coming and going and banging on about his ex. Then I blocked him from Facebook. He blocked me on watssapp.

It's been silent for 3 weeks now. I struggle some days. It goes around and around in my head. Because he was breadcrumbing me. Keeping me just enough incase he wanted me. He knew how to play the game. These men just do! But they will never change.

You need to have a hugeeee think. Sit in a peaceful place later on when the kids are asleep. Light candles or put music on. Go for a soak. Whatever helps you relax. Have a massive look at stuff. Perhaps have a pen and paper. Or write an email and save it to your drafts to read later. Write whatever you are thinking. Write down what you dont like. Write a letter to him that you will never send and get it all of your chest. Write lists of why you liked him when you met. Then Write what you like now. Then compare. I bet you like alot less. Understand you are in love with a person you thought existed. This was a big part for me! He wasn't real. My guy was not the guy he showed me at first. He hid all the details of his past and only told me prettier versions of everything. He didn't give me truths to make a choice based on. He fed me lies. So by the time I saw stuff it was too late.

You do need to think of your children. Which I know you will be. But he's not good enough for them because he's immature and dabbling like a teenager in drugs. He also isn't making their mum be the best she could be. He should have your back.

I bet you've neglected so much of yourself to try please this ungreatful man? I did. He took over my life to the point I stopped watching my favourite stuff. I lost interest in life in general. Because he was sucking my energy. These people drain you so much you loose yourself.

You are recognising now your guts telling you this is crap. It's not right. You deserve alot more. Which is amazing. It's the first step to getting out. You do just need to block after a message to explain. It will make you sad. But keep talking to friends and keep yourself busy. Concentrate on your kids again more. But also concentrate on you. Treat yourself to some yummy food. But yourself some nice bath stuff or whatever you enjoy. Burn candles and enjoy music..listen to podcasts about emotionally abusive people!

There is so much more out there. Believe me it gets a little easier. I'm totally not going back to mine. Have I healed yet? No! Because I still go over it alot. He did affect me alot. As he has you. Which is why I don't like the harsh tone in these replies. It's not your fault. Even if you allowed him to get away with it. Nobody wants to be used and hurt. Many of us try too hard with people who don't deserve us fullstop!!! But you are waking up now.

Good luck. You can do it. You are stronger than you realise.

Birkie248 Mon 28-Jun-21 19:54:43

Oh my gif just stop doing the housework for him, in fact just stop going around when you don’t have this kids. This is what he does, right? See if he asks you to go round, then don’t lift a finger for his housework. Or just dump him, it doesn’t sound like it’s going anywhere.

Annasgirl Mon 28-Jun-21 19:57:21

Well it is great that you still have your own gone OP. Therefore, to end it, you simply change your locks (if he has a key) and text him goodbye. No need to explain, but if you do say - this isn’t working for me. Then block him on all platforms- my friend still gets emails and Facebook posts from her ex - and move on with your life.

Don’t be hard on yourself - it is called the boiling frog theory - they hook you in and gradually destroy your self confit and self esteem. Of course if he was like this at the start you would have run a mile - that I’d why they have the ‘charm facade’.

Annasgirl Mon 28-Jun-21 19:58:21

Own home - my phone has the worst auto correct 😡

rosabug Mon 28-Jun-21 20:01:35

You could do with examining how you got in this position. Why you took on that domestic role so readily when it was not going to be reciprocated. So many women think they will get appreciation or 'love' for this. NO - you will get taken for granted - like their mums.

The way to exit is:

1/really study how he makes you feel. Understand that's it - you can't change that - getting into the dance of arguing and trying to change someone else in order to feel better yourself is another circular trap us women fall for. Stop, stand still - how do you feel? That's it - That's your decision.

2/ Act on that as if you were your own parent, best friend. That means look after your own interests first. And how he makes you feel is paramount. It's everything.

Then when you know where are and what you feel. End it without masses of explanation. It doesn't matter.

Don't do any man's washing again.

DenyDin0Dex Mon 28-Jun-21 20:04:01

You wash, cook, clean, food shop for his home
You are not his wife or mother or house keeper

STOP !!!!

That in itself would be the end for me - today

DenyDin0Dex Mon 28-Jun-21 20:22:41

You wash, cook, clean, food shop, child mind his children

How unattractive

Find the gorgeous man on a mower, that is on another post grin

End it today

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