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Boyfriend & His Housemate HELP(189 Posts)
I'm having a bit of a mare at the moment with my boyfriend (Ben) of a year's new housemate to the point we're on the verge of breaking up & need some advice, please
A bit of background info - he currently lives with one other guy and two girls. One of the girls I get on really well with and the other Sophie is the one I'm having an issue with.
I'm a super awkward person when I first meet people and usually after a few drinks my confident chatty side comes out.
The first time I met Sophie we weren't drinking and we barely spoke. It was super awkward (from both of our perspectives) but I got a bit annoyed because whenever I left the room she'd get all chatty and giggly with Ben. So instantly there's a bit of a weird vibe I've got from her.
So then for the next month or so, I invited their whole house to drinks at mine at least once or twice a week (we're quite a social house) including my birthday party and Sophie didn't once came. We had a bottomless brunch booked for my birthday and a spare ticket, she said she would only come if she didn't have to pay for the ticket (so I would be paying for her lol).
During this time she told her house that she thought I hated her and my boyfriend gave me quite a hard time saying I needed to make more effort. We then spent a lot of nights arguing as I felt like I was making the effort to invite her all the time but she just never came. I also didn't feel comfortable going to theirs as she'd been saying that I didn't like her etc and was just super awkward. I also texted her saying sorry it's super awkward, theres no drama I'm a bit shy and invited her to a big girls brunch we're organising.
Fast forward to my birthday, and I get their guy housemate coming at me saying this is all my fault and made me cry - I again just continued to say I have literally invited her to everything I'm not sure how that screams I hate you...
About a week later I went to Ben's for the first time since I first met Sophie and it was just the two of us there. I was only there for a few hours then left again. The next morning she apparently caused a scene with the other two (Ben was at mine by this point) claiming someone had been in her room asking if I'd been there. I didn't go in her room and noone else came in or out of the house between us leaving and her coming back later that night so she's either super forgetful or is making it up.
Ben and I again had arguments about it as he just doesn't stick up for me! If one of my housemates was blaming him for something I know he didn't do I'd fight to the death for his cause and have his back!!!
Anyways so last weekend they had a bbq at theirs. We all imagined that this would be the perfect opportunity for us to just get to know each other and put it to bed but instead, the minute I got into their house and was saying hello's she walked out of the room. I then went into the other room to say hi and hug her but she avoided me for the rest of the evening. Later that night she had a massive fight with the other guy and girl that live there as she was refusing to help clear up (me and Ben had gone by this point) and was threatening to move out.
Her moving out would have been perfect, but now it looks like her words were empty and she's here to stay.
My boyfriend finally saw she was actually being a bit childish and had a kind word with her, to which she then invited me and the girls i live with out for dinner (no mention of an apology or it being awkward). He now thinks she's an angel for making the effort (this is infuriating for me since when I was making a lot of effort it was never enough).
So basically now I feel like it's too late for dinner, if she struggled to say hi to me how can she expect to sit and eat a meal with me lol. I've kind of come to the end and don't want anything to do with her, but it's causing me and Ben massive issues. He obviously wants to be friendly with her but I really struggle and feel like he's taking her 'side' and hasn't got my back.
What should I do?
Sorry for the SUPER long message!
Also we're 26 (suprising given how immature this all is)
I think Ben has shagged Sophie in the past and she had her hopes up.
Honestly? It just sounds like far too much effort and drama for what sounds like a pretty new relationship. As long as he lives with that group of housemates you're going to have issues. I'd walk away tbh.
He isn't taking your side, so get rid. It then gets rid of her too! Win win.
Fgs.. by the time I was 26 I had 2 kids a husband and a mortgage so I can't relate to this at all.. but to me it sounds like you all need to grow up a bit .. sorry.
I reckon she fancies him. Too much drama though and he isn’t sticking up for you
We all have different life paths - didn't post to get trolled, just looking for advice
Yeah, I'd be binning them all off. He doesn't have your back, that's a huge issue that won't go away
How long have you been together? Could you and Ben look into moving into together and leaving all the drama behind@jseekinganswers
This sounds very similar to a family member of my DP. Blanks me when I'm there and fusses over DP. You have to be the bigger person and ignore it, be polite, make conversation but no more effort than is necessary. I sympathise as DP will not hear my side and just doesn't want the drama which sounds similar to your boyfriend. Rise above and know that you are with him not her. I've had 4 years of it so have got used to it and can deal with it but it is tough. I distance myself as much as possible. Good luck!
@HappyCamperT5 a year and a half! I don't think either of us is ready for that yet - I was in a 5-year relationship previously so been there and done that before and definitely not looking to rush into making that big of a decision yet
Ben needs to decide whose side he is on. Sophie is his flatmate. In a while she or he will move out, lives will move on and they will never meet again. Assuming you see this as a relationship with a future, you could potentially be the person he has children with, spends his life with. Who should be be more invested in building a relationship with? You, obviously. If a transient flatmate is of equal or more importance to him, then I think it says something significant about how he sees your relationship.
She likes him, however she seems to be very childish in general. If he can’t stick up for you then you should walk away. It’s not ok when a partner stands up for someone else when they are clearly in the wrong.
Either there’s been something between them in the past, or she wants there to be now.
He’s not exactly covering himself in glory because it seems that he likes having the two of you fawn over him.
I’d either call it a day with Ben, or if you really think it’s worth the effort, have one serious conversation with him and make it the last one.
Basically, you are friendly to all of his housemates including Sophie, and that’s that. You don’t need to have a personal relationship with her (meals out etc) and don’t need to invite her to things unless it’s a full house affair. However Sophie acts is all on her and you don’t need to worry about it. I wouldn’t engage any further than being normally pleasant.
If there’s still trouble, it’s because your bf is encouraging it. Maybe ask him directly if they have a history. And if they have, why on earth is he pressuring you to be friends with her when she obviously resents you?
It seems her and ben have history. Either that it she fancied him so treats you as her 'competition'.
Definately stop trying to be her friend.
I'd say 'She is your flatmate and so its good you are on good terms but I'm having no more to do with her. I'll be polite of course but that's it. Ok?'. If he cant be fully supportive ir takes ber side on some drama in future, walk away.
I think Ben has shagged Sophie in the past and she had her hopes up.
I don't know if this is the post you meant was trolling you but tbh I agree. There's certainly more than meets the eye. Whatever it is she feels you're trying to oust her. Do you know how they met in the first place? Do you think your bf was blaming you because he really thinks you weren't trying hard enough or because he feels shitty about her because he led her on?
Update - they don't have any history with each other and only met in April when she moved in (Spare Room jobby)
OP he doesn't have your back. There's nothing to argue about as far as I can see, they aren't his family they are just people he lives with. Don't go there if it's awkward and just avoid them. I don't get all the drama. If my flatmates were making it awkward for me to have my boyfriend there, I'd move out. You don't have to be friends with some random strangers just because he lives with them. If he is basing the relationship on you getting on with his flatmates I'd tell him to fuck off as he's obviously mad.
Oh yes I see you said 'new' housemate. Well she's nuts in't she. Poor them - it happens sometimes with flatmates via spare room etc. I would tell your bf to stop blaming you for her being nuts and just be glad she's not your housemate tbh.
You sound like you are all 19 year old students housesharing for the first time, not 26 year olds. I couldn’t be bothered with any of this, you don’t need to have a relationship with your boyfriends flatmates.
Yeah sorry OP. Ben has either shagged Sophie (or close to) or he loves her attention.
Neither are attractive prospects.
It would be a 'thank you next' from me
Way too much drama. And you use the word 'super' too often, which reads as if you are in a younger household. You are trying too hard with her. At my advanced age, I don't give out more than civil if someone obviously has an issue with me, whatever the reason is. I find it helps me be less annoyed about it.
I don't understand why you need to all be friends to be honest.
Would probably be better if you you just didn't bother.
She doesn't like you, do you have to be best friends?
To be honest op just dump him and his childish housemates .
From what you've said their all acting like children and at their ages its pathetic. Walk away lifes to short
Don't waste your time.
Too much drama, and yeah as above poster pointed out sounds like they are bunch of kids