How to handle a chronic sulker?

[FridaMo]

I've been with my OH for 7 years now and we are getting married next year. We are generally peaceful and happy but he has a very bad flaw of sulking when he's annoyed. Sometimes it's justified annoyance at me, sometimes less so. He's definitely quick to grumpiness.

My natural urge is to make peace. I want upsets dealt with quickly, including my own, but after so many occasions where my attempt to mend fences was rejected ive become humiliation-averse and i really get annoyed at the sulking now so sometimes i join him and we end up in a deathly silence for days on end. Til he's finally ready to move on. It makes me desperately unhappy. My tolerance for grumpiness and sullenness is very low, i find the protracted punishment painful and unnecessary, and i feel so dispensable. But despite several long, calm conversations about how we handle conflict/how i feel about sulking, and even after regretting missing out on fun plans because he's keeping us in Coventry.. He still defaults to this horrible mode.

I am feeling a bit hopeless and upset.

Any advice.

[Mistyplanet]

You've said how you feel about this and yet he still continues to "punish" you in this way rather than acting like an adult and discussing what's bothering him. Its called silent treatment/ stonewalling. Look it up and reconsider your future with him.

[username059471]

Any advice? Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials OP. Given your relationship sounds soul destroying and after seven years there's no sign of change, a legal commitment sounds like a great idea.

[Ostryga]

How to deal with it? You don’t marry the abusive twat and have a much, much better life without him.

[IggyAce]

Honestly, don’t marry him and spilt up I couldn’t stand living like this for the rest of my life. You deserve better OP I don’t think it will get better only worst.

[FernGilly]

Counselling for him or I would not marry him.

[CustardSquirrel]

You deal with it by leaving.

[Wombats12]

Don't go there...

[Aquamarine1029]

You would have to be crazy to marry this man. I'm gobsmacked you're still considering it. He is emotionally abusive and uses sulking as a way to control and punish you. It will only get worse. Get rid of him and move on.

[spotcheck]

Gosh.

I was with someone who sulked. Sometimes for weeks on end

At the very least it is immature. At worst, it is abuse and a method of control.

If you want this for your future, crack on.

[Wombats12]

Read all the threads about how it'll get worse after kids & don't get trapped co-parenting with an abusive ex.

[Colourmeclear]

You could try relationship counseling but that might just give him more reason to sulk (in his own mind). It's probably behaviour that is really ingrained in him and if he doesn't think it's problem it's unlikely he'll change so you may need to decide whether him at his worst is unbearable to you. I left a chronic sulker and I'm a peace maker, I'm much happier.

[Spinningaround21]

Nope no way. Neither of us like confrontation and have had a sulk instead but not for days on end and I can count on one hand how many times it’s happened in ten years. I couldn’t do that for days on end and be treading on egg shells knowing a disagreement or moment of grumpiness could lead to days of silence.

[Shoxfordian]

Don’t marry him unless you want this to be your life forever. He’s not going to change

[MsPavlichenko]

It’s abuse. Look up the Freedom Programme.

[Tiramiwho]

I thought this would be a thread about toddler behaviour, until I noticed you posted in Relationships.
How old is he, 4? This sounds horrible op and I couldn't deal with it for half an hour - let alone for the duration of a marriage..

[scaredsadandstuck]

I'd say if you don't want to end it, absolutely 100% insist on counseling for him on his own and both together. It won't get better otherwise.

The only other thing I would say, as someone who was a bit of a sulker in the past (not proud of it), is I don't ever feel like I was doing it to punish or control, but because I felt my hurt/sadness/anger /opinion/whatever it was had not been heard or listened to or discussed, and because I felt there was no point in discussing it as I would never be heard. I sulked as a way of showing that. It's obviously not ok, but it wasn't about control or punishment - but rather communicating (very badly) my feelings. Anyway, I did do a lot of therapy, about a lot of things not this particular issue, and I don't do it anymore, so it can be resolved but with a lot of work on his part.

[Rebelwithverysharpclaws]

He chooses to sulk to punish you. He does not have to sulk - he is using it to control you, to make sure you behave yourself and that he gets his own way and you don't dare challenge him. It will likely get far worse if you have children. Also as he ages you will not be able to challenge his increasing old man grumpiness. He is being abusive with his sulking and I would not be marrying him, I would be kicking his sulky arse out of the house. Have a look at this Lundy Bancroft PDF - called 'Why does he do that?' archive.org/stream/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that_djvu.txt

[Ruminating2020]

Don't put up with a sulker. It is an unhealthy and immature way at non communication, much like the silent treatment to punish you, and make you wonder what you did wrong or get you to chase them and take responsibility for their behaviour.

If this behaviour has been going on throughout your relationship and you've tried to talk about resolving conflict in a mature way and he hasn't taken anything on board, then it's unlikely to get any better.

You sound utterly miserable and it doesn't have to be. You can't change his behaviour but do you want to be with someone like this?

[Northernsoullover]

I bet he doesn't sulk at work.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not marry this man and do not continue to keep the peace; being a peacemaker here does not work. His sulking is done here to punish you and is emotionally abusive behaviour towards you. Is designed to make you feel emotionally useless and upset.

Does he sulk like this to and in front of other people; probably not. Do not continue to be meek and merely put up with it as you have done.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Your relationship is over really because of this abuse he metes out.

[FridaMo]

I've seen a lot of queries on here get an overwhelming 'leave him' response but in reality how someone handles their negative emotions within a relationship is something to work on surely. Blowing up a happy healthy relationship for human flaw and frailty cannot be the first option. These aren't daily or weekly rows im talking about. Im talking about much more seldom. But it is a real issue i agree. Which is why im here looking for thoughts

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem and therapy cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic within an abusive relationship. An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner. Therapy can make a person feel vulnerable. If the abuser is embarrassed or angered by something said in therapy, he or she may make their partner suffer to gain back the sense of control. Therapy is often considered a “safe space” for people to talk. For an abused partner, that safety doesn’t necessarily extend to their home.

Another reason that couple’s therapy or counseling is not recommended is that the facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, her or she may believe the abuser.

[category12]

Yes, but he's not here looking for thoughts, is he?

Only he can work on this - and does he have any interest or motivation in doing so? If not, you're SOL.

It's a strategy that works for him - he throws a strop and you rush around try to smooth things over and are desperate to sort things out. He, on the other hand, is perfectly content to freeze you out and hurt you.

[Aquamarine1029]

You do not have a "happy healthy relationship." His behaviour has no place in a healthy relationship.

[category12]

And it's not the first option - you've been sticking this out for SEVEN years already.