Want a different life to my husband

(253 Posts)
Victoria2220 Wed 16-Jun-21 19:30:07

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

OP’s posts: |
Hottubtimemachine Wed 16-Jun-21 19:32:45

You deserve more and good for you for making the decision. You deserve love, sunshine, holidays, laughter and fun. Good luck with the rest of your life!

OneMoreForExtra Wed 16-Jun-21 19:41:23

How terribly sad that you both want such different things. But it couldn't be more clear that you do. The one thing that occurs to me us the need for a really good, searching, loving conversation with your DH about what you both want (would need to get him away from sport long enough for this wink ) as it may come as a total surprise to him that you're not as fulfilled by his sport focus as he is. But, I have clear memories of the unfettered relief and freedom of ending relationships that had run their course, and of course the massive plus of your decision not to have children is that there are no real reasons not to. Good luck!

Amdone123 Wed 16-Jun-21 19:53:01

I'm excited for you ! It's clear you've grown apart and want different things, so just sit him down and tell him. It's not the end of the world, these things happen all the time.
You can have a brilliant life.

Vikingintraining Wed 16-Jun-21 19:53:50

Do you really love him, or do you love the idea of him, the familiarity, the idea of the life you thought you would have with him?
You want completely different lives and it doesn't even sound as though there is any overlap to form a compromise on.
I met a new friend a couple of years ago. We were both travelling solo on quite an adventurous trip, something I do often. She was age early 70s and it was her first trip overseas, ever, because she explained she had been married her whole life to someone who never wanted to travel anywhere so she hadn't been able to either until he died and she finally booked a trip. Don't let that be your life.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit Wed 16-Jun-21 19:56:36

Jesus, kick him to the kerb. He sounds grumpy, controlling and dull af.
Set yourself free and find a person that fulfills you... even if that’s you alone!

Bluntness100 Wed 16-Jun-21 19:56:52

You’ve just grown apart and maybe this is partly why you didn’t want children together, you both knew deep down it didn’t work any more

Honestly the sooner you end it the better.

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Shehasadiamondinthesky Wed 16-Jun-21 20:00:47

I thought I loved my husband OP but now he's gone I realised pretty soon I was in love with being part of a married couple and didn't actually give a monkeys abut my husband.
I'm so much happier living alone.
He sounds awful and selfish - get rid. You don't love him, you love what you think he should have been and isn't.

Bluntness100 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:01:46

Also do you Think maybe he feels the same, and that’s why he no longer engages with you and spends his weekends doing other things, didn’t wish to celebrate your wedding anniversary ?

Maybe he is also struggling to say it?

Bagelsandbrie Wed 16-Jun-21 20:02:26

Nah you don’t love him, you love the idea of who you want him to be. And he isn’t that person. The sooner you realise that you’ll feel more confident in leaving. You’re just incompatible.

Palavah Wed 16-Jun-21 20:02:59

Do you love how he makes you feel? Do you love the present and future he's offering? Or just the past you share and the future you thought you'd have together?

HangingOver Wed 16-Jun-21 20:06:58

Urgh you poor thing. My ex was the same...except he didn't do sport. In fact he "didn't do" anything. Dates, holidays together, meeting my friends, going to the pub or a concert together....he "didn't do" dancing either so I never once got to dance with him in 7 years. I tentatively shared that with now DP when we first got together an he looked amazed and said, "But I'd LOVE to dance with you! Let's go dancing!". And we did. We're still together and I'm so much happier. Please leave him. You're child free, you can design your life any way you want. Go find a man who will be thrilled to dance with you flowers

decoratedstandardlamp Wed 16-Jun-21 20:07:41

What a sad existence. Waste no more time as you have a very free and exciting future ahead of you.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:11:53

Good grief, op, why are you tiptoeing through this? Every second is being wasted on him. You have no children and are financially secure, you should be blazing your way out of that marriage imo. Life is so short, you are so unhappy, and there is no reason to be there. Get out and start living.

Amdone123 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:14:06

@HangingOver, I'm loving the dancing 💃

Victoria2220 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:30:12

Thank you everyone for your support.

I'm pretty sure I love him. I have listed here all the things that make me unhappy and see I have painted a picture of him being a miserable git. He is actually a funny, chatty, positive person and he talks endlessly to me, we are quite close, he just doesn't like anyone's company but mine and he hates leaving the house unless it's to go to the football pitch or golf course.
I am pretty sure he is happy in our marriage, as he has everything set out just how he wants it. And he is very engaged with me in general, literally follows me around the house asking me about my day, but he will absolutely not do anything he doesn't want to do. He won't budge an inch to do something I would like to do. I have been in counselling for a year since the abortion, and although my counsellor is very careful not to diagnose him seeing as she's never met him, she has implied he could have some kind of personality disorder. He has to do the same things at the same time every day (dinner at 7.15, never 7 or 7.30. This is another reason we can't go out to dinner with other people, because they eat later than that and he finds that really distressing!! ), things that I have gone along with but just don't understand.

So it's not quite as black and white as I originally painted, but this is still a life I don't want. It's depressing and I know I need to go and create the life I want and deserve. I know it, I really do. I have clarity now.

OP’s posts: |
Sunflower1970 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:30:56

I’m excited for you! Leave and be happy x

Victoria2220 Wed 16-Jun-21 20:54:16

We were also blissfully happy in lockdown. I was absolutely in love with him then. Because I wasnt asking him to come out with me or do anything outside the house, or see my family with me...because we couldn't do any of those things, so all of those points that make me so unhappy were gone for a while. We were just wrapped up in each other which was really nice. Have kind of shocked myself in how I have turned from adoring him a few months ago to being absolutely desperate to leave now. I am going to stay in a hotel tomorrow until things get a bit more sorted. Am desperate to just go.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Wed 16-Jun-21 22:31:29

Have you told him how unhappy you are?

Anordinarymum Thu 17-Jun-21 00:22:59

Sunflower1970

I’m excited for you! Leave and be happy x

Seconded

Recessed Thu 17-Jun-21 00:26:31

Good for you. You will have a great life without this man weighing you down and sucking the joy from what should be the great pleasures in life. Although a long term relationship ending is almost always sad and upsetting I imagine that won't last long and it will ultimately be very freeing flowers

BluebellsGreenbells Thu 17-Jun-21 00:33:32

You sound like a lovely person who wants to ‘live’.
My sister is the same, never home, always out on holidays weekends away or meals and drinks out with friends.

She met lots of new people and embarrasses theatre music and sports anything other than sitting at home!

She honestly never stops.

Good luck.

ElizabethTudor Thu 17-Jun-21 00:41:02

How crap that you can’t invite anyone round, that he doesn’t join you in seeing your family, that he didn’t even want to do anything for your anniversary. Nah, sod that.
If it’s not making you happy then you’re definitely doing the right thing. Good luck.

HollowTalk Thu 17-Jun-21 00:43:48

You have one life. You can't possibly spend it with this man who can't even have his dinner at 7:05 pm or sit in the garden to eat without it being a huge problem. Set yourself free and forgive yourself the abortion as well.

me4real Thu 17-Jun-21 01:09:28

Go for it OP. I am childfree and happy. My life isn't incredibly wild, but on the other hand I don't have to arrange babysitters if I want to go out and I have a very low-stress life.

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