Introducing new bf to kids - the fear

[Annabellerina]

I'm stuck at a crossroads and could do with some advice from the wise women on here.

I've been divorced 4 years, separated slightly longer. These past few years have been all about survival and recovery and meeting my (primary aged) kids needs. We moved away from my abusive ex to the next town for a fresh start. My eldest is about to start play therapy, organised privately by me, because she has some anxiety/anger. She has made new friends in the new area, keeps in touch with old friends in the old area. She sees her cousins and her grandparents regularly. She is doing brilliantly at school. I would say she's doing as ok as I can possibly expect given what she's been through. My youngest is thriving. He also has new and old friends, and is a happy, cheerful little thing. They've just started seeing their dad consistently every other weekend as he seems to have settled down and made some changes in his life. Before that they were seeing him inconsistently. I'm very focused on them and their needs and wellbeing.

In the meantime I have dated on and off, never seriously, just adhoc company and sex when I've had some free time. Recently I started to feel like I could now focus a little more on me. I would like some support and someone that's got my back. I would like a healthy relationship that provides my kids with a good example. I've done the freedom programme and freedom plus and I've had some counselling. I feel like I personally am in a good space.

In the last few months I have been dating a guy who I really like. He says he is in love with me and would like to be a bigger part of my life. He wants to see me more, support me and see where things go. He doesn't have children but is divorced. He is very kind, communicates well, is clear about what he wants and is clear about what he has learned from his marriage. I like him a lot. Yet when I think about the possibility of introducing him to my kids, family and friends, I freak out. I can't imagine it happening, I think the worst. I imagine my kids hating him and him not coping with my kids. I imagine my friends and family judging him and giving me their negative opinions. I'm avoiding the whole topic because of these thoughts.

I would love nothing more than to have a partner who gets along with my kids and who my kids really like. I want someone by my side in life. I'm just frozen with fear for something going wrong when so much has already gone wrong in mine and my kids lives. Please can you all talk me through this?

[Inthesameboatatmo]

I wouldn't introduce anyone to children at all until after at least a year, then in very small increments, and as a friend only .

[user1471442488]

Far too soon

[Annabellerina]

That's a given. First I want to get over the fear in my head though. Will it be as awful as I'm imagining?

[seensome]

Possibly it is still too soon if the relationship only started on the last few months, don't rush it, you'll do it when you both feel ready to introduce yourselves as a couple.
Is there a reason you feel your family may not accept him?

[lunar1]

One of your children has anxiety and is starting therapy for it, she doesn't need to meet any men in your life, she needs to time. Keep them separate.

[Bananalanacake]

Give it at least 18 months to 2 years before you introduce them, if he genuinely likes you he will understand.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Will it be as awful as I'm imagining?

Ime it will be worse. Sorry!

If you can have open and honest convos with your kids, possibly in conjunction with their counselors/therapists, and discuss objectively that it's OK for mum to date and it's not betraying dad for them to meet new man. Then maybe.

But be prepared for them to kick back massively. You may have to keep it at FWB situation for some years.

Caveat: my exH died so things were a little more emotionally raw than average. But whilst he was still alive he was telling my DS "oh so your mums got a new boyfriend, so she'll soon forget about you" 😒

Be prepared for him using any weapon to hurt you through the kids if they're seeing him. And you need to in good conscience warn any potential bfs that this may happen.

It's shit and I sympathise.

[Annabellerina]

Thanks @evenmorefuriousvexation you have described exactly what I fear will happen! I'm sorry you've been through that.

[Annabellerina]

Bumping for more help

[Billandben444]

I've got no advice as I've had no experience of this but I just wanted to say well done for being such a considerate person and a great mum. I'm sure whatever you do decide will be handled brilliantly.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I agree re keeping them separate, perfectly possible to date and not involve children. They don’t need anyone else in their lives currently and need some stability after all the changes.

[CandyLeBonBon]

I didn't introduce my dp to my kids until 9 months in and that was only because I was rushed to hospital with a kidney infection. It ended up turning out ok and he is brilliant with them and they are genuinely fond of him (that's what they tell me). We have been together 3 years but don't live together and I don't plan to live with him until all my kids are grown and flown, if ever.

But my kids were 10/13/16 when they met him. We'd been through a difficult break up with my ex, who also tried his hardest to split me and dp up (even though he was with someone else and had cheated on me - he ended up successfully prosecuted for harassment, but that's another story), so not all moonlight and roses but we were and are solid and it's worked out ok.

[Annabellerina]

I'm leaning towards keeping them separate indefinitely but then a small part of me thinks, is this my irrational fear talking? Could I be putting up a barrier to something potentially very good? My friend says his life was enhanced massively by his stepdad and thinks I am acting out of fear.

[Trayble]

I'm surprised at some of the previous responses. Two years?? That's crazy.

My dc met my dp after 3 months and they all wanted to meet each other.
He doesn't stay over at my house yet but we started with walks/ mini golf/ dinners on an ad hoc basis and now they see him probably once a fortnight and everyone gets on. He pops in for coffee sometimes after work and we've had sleepovers at his house (which the kids love) when it's been the school holidays.

There doesn't need to be any pressure or expectation of anything especially as they already have a dad. He is just someone you see sometimes all together. I think it only becomes a problem when it moves very fast with the children and a dp becomes a sudden permanent fixture.

It's not like you're in any rush to move things along. We have been together a year now and he's only just finished meeting the last of my siblings and hasn't met any of my friends so far.

I know people that have moved in after a year with dc and that still seems like it would be far too soon but you sound like a conscientious person who would put their children's needs first. I think as mums we can be guilty of catastrophising things in our heads that won't happen.
I know that if I broke up dp tomorrow my 2 youngest probably wouldn't ask about him until they realised they hadn't seen him for a few weeks and my eldest would be a bit sad for me and disappointed that he didn't get round to putting up her new LED lights up for her!

[SarahDarah]

Your poor kids have gone through so much trauma and are still trying to make sense of their broken home, new location, new life etc. Why on earth would you introduce an unrelated man to them who has absolutely nothing to do with them

They're kids. Leave them out of your dating life completely and keep this man separate. And certainly don't move him in.

[Annabellerina]

Broken home @sarahdarah? Which broken home is that then? The one they're currently in with me?

[Clovertoast]

I've been with my dp 18 months and we still haven't introduced kids. It's far too early.
This is their life ! They've already had Upheaval. If this is going somewhere then you have time.

[Annabellerina]

Yes I know it's too early at the moment. What I was asking really is how to get over the fear and panic around the idea. Because it's making me shut myself off from the concept entirely.

[Trayble]

How old are your dc? That kind of dictates how you'd go about starting introductions

[Annabellerina]

Both ks2 age

[Annabellerina]

So the general consensus is just don't do it ever? Confirms my fears really...

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I wouldn’t no, based on my own experience as a child and that of friends.

[dogmandu]

So the general consensus is just don't do it ever? Confirms my fears really...

don't be silly. Of course you have a life to live as well. Just take it slowly and make sure everybody is comfortable with each stage before you move to the next. Obviously for a few years the priority is that the children be very comfortable with each stage before moving on. Good luck you sound like a very good mum who rightly has her children's best interests as your priority but you also deserve to have some joy in your life.

[MrsBertBibby]

People are so precious on here!

My partner met my son 4 months in. He was 4. We kept it pretty low key, but he liked him instantly. I waited until over a year to meet his two (slightly younger), as his split was much more recent than mine. But when I met them, it was great, and the kids all get along.

Just keep it casual and slow, OP, and back up if it isn't working for you.

Still together, and the kids are 6th form / Y 10.

[Annabellerina]

@icecreamandcandyfloss yes I also have bad experiences with my own stepdad. Again, enough to put me off doing it myself. But is personal bad experience what should guide our life decisions? In my counselling this was something that I explored, that because I've been traumatised by something I then do the exact opposite as a reactive/defensive measure. Doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.