Is this normal in counselling?

[AnnickP]

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and, for the last 18 months, I thought our relationship was better than it ever had been before. He was talking with me about our future every day, telling me he appreciated and loved me and we were planning a wonderful next stage. Just over 2 weeks ago, he told me he isn't in love with me, is in love with someone else (though he doesn't see this as a betrayal as they haven't acted on it physically) and doesn't want to be married anymore.
My question is about what happened tonight... we went for a first session of marriage counselling (the counsellor did have background from each of us beforehand). During the session, my husband said that he was not looking for this to help the marriage and was resolute in wanting a divorce and would not change that. He saw marriage counselling as a way to make me accept his decision and for me to communicate with him more nicely as we move to the next stage. -I am still reeling from the bombshells that he had an emotional affair and wants a divorce and haven't even worked through my feelings given the short amount of time. He also talked about how deeply in love he is with this other woman. I lost it... I was quite angry and definitely not my best self. The counsellor responded to my reaction by saying that how I am in a relationship, based on my anger in the session, was probably part of why my husband reached out to connect with this other woman.
I feel deeply misunderstood. I have loved and supported my husband through many tough times, most often putting his feelings and needs first (he has rapid cycling bipolar disorder). I have been the calm, stable and consistent one.
But now I am incredibly cross. My husband betrayed me and told me we will divorce and that I have no say in anything. I had hoped to have a safe place where I could express how I feel in counselling. Where it would be ok for someone to sit with that anger and sadness.
I know that calm cool communication is best but I just couldn't do that tonight. I feel so devastated and felt completely judged. As a result of that session, my husband feels fine to have lied to me about how he really felt about our marriage and our future and now feels justified in having an emotional affair.
Help?

[Shamoo]

I’m sorry you are in such a tough situation, OP. However, there is absolutely no point having counselling with somebody who has no interest in saving your relationship. Make that the last session as a couple. If you need somebody to talk to have counselling on your own, where you will be listened to and supported. And form a plan for how you will move forward on your own. Wishing you the very best, OP.

[PurpleSunrise]

Clearly there’s no point continuing with this “marriage” counselling, she was clearly wrong and there’s no point putting yourself through it

[Sssloou]

Two weeks since his bombshell.

This is far to early for you. You must be in shock, numb and not know which way is up. Your brain is in trauma mode and you can’t think straight.

Drop the joint counselling it’s not meeting your needs. One to one for you may be better.

Sounds like his MH has deteriorated and this EA is possibly part of that decline.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Shit counsellor. Really shit.

Shit husband. Really shit.

Sack them both. At once.

So sorry. You must be so shocked.

[HollowTalk]

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

Shit counsellor. Really shit.

Shit husband. Really shit.

Sack them both. At once.

So sorry. You must be so shocked.

Exactly this. You can do so much better. Your future is so much brighter without this man. I am really sorry he has hurt you and that the counsellor has made things worse. Stay strong, things will get better soon (as soon as he has left the house.)

[Codswallop20]

You can feel however the hell you feel.

You do not have to answer for that.

Sod him, sod the counsellor. Put yourself first. Go find the better life you deserve.

[Lumene]

The counsellor responded to my reaction by saying that how I am in a relationship, based on my anger in the session, was probably part of why my husband reached out to connect with this other woman.

No this is not normal. Is the counsellor a member of a professional body?

[ScrollingLeaves]

Please do not accept the ludicrous idea that your angry reaction to this out of the blue, devastating announcement from your husband of 20 years means you are a habitually angry person who drove your husband away!

The stupidity and insensitivity of this so called counsellor is hard to believe.

I am so sorry you have had this horrible experience at the hands of this abusive counsellor on top of your husband’s telling you he wants to leave, doesn’t love you anymore and is in love with someone else - when so recently everything seemed lovely between you.

It is a separate issue, but it does seem possible his new love could be part of a manic phase. I am no expert though.

Maybe it would be a release for you not to have to support him emotionally anymore.
💐💐

[baroqueandblue]

Brace yourself - next thing you know, he'll be telling you his EA is with that frigging counsellor. Well, it might as well be given that she has transparently taken his side! Gormless witch!

I agree with PP, don't go back but find yourself a counsellor who will be there for you and only you.

[baroqueandblue]

Oops, just realised you haven't stated the counsellor's gender 😳

Still a fuckwit, nevertheless!

[Swannest]

That is not what the marriage counsellor should have said. You have every right to be angry.
Some counsellors are awful. I had one who told me my adulterous husband was a good man and i should accept him as a “good adulterer”.
Sorry this has happened to you. It really isn’t any of your doing.

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

That counsellor is fucking awful.

Get rid of both of them and then look into an individual counsellor for yourself to fully support you through it.

I'm so sorry that this happened - you have every right to be livid with both of them

[Onthedunes]

@baroqueandblue

Was going to suggest the same thing about the councillor, stranger things have happened .

Honestly op, find your bloody anger at your husband and that shite councillor, how dare she, the useless .......
i'm so angry on your behalf, name her, she needs to be struck off.
Go to councelling on your own, that is if she hasn't put you off for life.

I'm so sorry about your relationship, you must be reeling, don't turn this inwards on yourself at all, you are not at fault, he is.
Taking you to councelling so you can understand him better and make life easier for his transition, is that what he said when he booked the appointment. Bastard.

Get to a solicitor, gather your info, have you children?.
If he causes problems in the divorce settlement offer to make an appointment to see the same councillor to ease his transition after loosing half his assets.

See how he likes them apples !

[Mermaidwaves]

Sometimes I wonder about the backgrounds of these councillors, how qualified they are exactly. It's despicable to effectively blame you for him carrying on with another woman, total victim blaming. Their role is to be neutral and express no bias. You have every right to be angry! Your world is being torn apart!

I would seek therapy for yourself, you're experiencing trauma and need support. I've recently sought help from the NHS and it was a six week wait, I'm hoping the therapist will be properly qualified, not someone who has a questionable background. I send you best wishes OP

[Vegiepatchy]

Report the counsellor to the governing body and their organisation if they work for one. Years ago I was going through domestic violence (emotional and verbal abuse) and the counsellor (an experienced clinical psychologist mind you!), sided with my ex (whom now everyone realises has a severe mental disorder and is extremely narcissistic). The counsellor was absolutely oblivious, and having her invalidate me on top of my ex was extremely damaging.

I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Since your DH is insisting on using a counsellor to help you ‘move on’, this makes it pretty obvious to me he has been having a proper affair for a fair while, I seriously doubt it’s just an emotional affair.

Leave him, but get some genuine help beforehand from a women’s centre, where they can educate you on what you need to do before you leave, regarding finances etc.

It will be a horrendous experience but you will come out the other side happier, stronger and with your own integrity intact. As for your DH, the majority affairs don’t last in the real world so hopefully he will get his karma in the future. Xx

[Suzi888]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree with pp that it’s pointless going to counselling with someone whose already checked out of the relationship.
With regards to the counsellor, I had a friend who went to counselling with her DH when she found out she was pregnant (the DH wanted her to abort, she was unsure). Counsellor said it’s your body you can have the baby if you like, your DH gets no say but I think as he doesn’t want it, he shouldn’t have to provide you with any financial support…. So I think they do say things they shouldn’t!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

You dont need a counsellor @AnnickP, you need a solicitor.

[Peoniesandpeaches]

I’d put in a complaint to their governing body- that was really unprofessional and unfair

[Grimsknee]

That's an awful experience and the counsellor got it horribly wrong. I think it might help you to go to individual counselling. It sounds like your husband wanted to use it for mediation and isn't interested in how his actions jave affected you. In couples counselling, the client is "the relationship", it's no good if one party wants to use it to make the other party accept a situation. All the best OP, take care of yourself.

[Oceanbliss]

@AnnickP

I just wanted to add my support and agree with everyone on here that what that counsellor said was wrong. How dare s/he treat you like that, showing you no empathy, no understanding, trying to gaslight you into believing that you are to blame for your husband’s actions. She should be struck off (but probably won’t be).

As for the callous way that your husband is treating you after 20 years of marriage. Selfish bastard.

You have every right to feel angry, sad, shocked and to have emotional honesty.

Get yourself good legal advice and representation to protect yourself. Look after yourself.

I am wishing you from this day forward a wonderful, happy life that makes up for the 20 + years you invested in your relationship with him.

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

I'd report that counsellor. Unfortunately it's an unregulated area of service.

However, if they are a member of BACP, then I'd report them.

[Dontletitbeyou]

I totally agree with everyone else here . Your reactions are totally normal and to be expected . It’s been 2 weeks since he dropped the bombshell , of course you’re going to be angry and upset .
Go to a counselor , a good one , not this obviously useless one , on your own . You need help and support as an individual, not as a couple, since he has made it obvious he wants out .
It will take time , and going through lots of grief over the loss of the man you thought he was . In reality he’s a coward who didn’t have the courage to discuss his feelings , so denied you the opportunity to try and work together to put it right .
I really hope you find someone who will help you, not try and lay the blame with you, this isn’t your fault

[Graphista]

though he doesn't see this as a betrayal as they haven't acted on it physically

Irrelevant!

Even IF it's true (and it rarely is, the vast majority of men leave for someone they've never been sexual with!) then an emotional affair is just as if not more damaging than a physical one

Where did you find this counsellor? Unfortunately counsellor is not a protected title and pretty much ANYONE can call themselves one.

The ONLY people to blame for an affair are the 2 in it!

Considering he has bipolar disorder I think going to a "regular" relationship counsellor was a bad idea.

The affair could well be part of his condition.

Get some GOOD WELL QUALIFIED therapy for yourself and let him go on his way.

It's devastating believe me I know, I was only married 10 years but I was so hurt and so angry with my ex for having an affair and destroying our family, and the hell he put us all through in that first year (affair partner was supposedly also my friend she was a neighbour AND he knocked her up) was beyond forgiveness. You have every right to be angry.

Get a better therapist and move on in a way that's best for you.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Counsellor completely bonkers. Never go back.
Now to the bipolar bit. While someone is going through a manic episode it is not unusual for them to end their marriage/ be sexually all over the place etc. My advice is don't engage with your dh in this while he is elated. Has he seen his doctor lately? Is he taken his meds? Most probably he will soon come crawling back as his elation abates but whether you want him back is another story. The Counsellor will in small way have contributed to your decision. An experienced Counsellor should have been questioning your dhs mental state here, l believe. But , think about this seriously ..do you want all the heartache and drama that this all brings?

[Redhead37]

Not much to add as the previous PP's have said it all. You are in shock unsurprisingly. Sounds like he is ill, but you don't need this. Gather your thoughts, take a deep breath and get him out of the house while you process it. And get a kick ass solicitor. Plus visit your gp ( one you trust) for some help. Look after yourself mentally and physically. Thinking of you and sending a virtual hug xx