Viagra Found

[Nevercloser]

Hi
My elderly relative was taken into hospital recently and didn’t have a toilet bag. I took my husband’s from the bathroom and emptied it. I found cut up blister packs of viagra which had obviously been used. They were in a small zip pocket at the front. I took them out. I was in a rush and just tipped everything else out, didn’t say anything and have not mentioned it since. I think my husband thinks they are still there, they were in a pocket nobody would go in without reason.

My relative is very ill and going to die shortly. I have been so stressed with this that I couldn’t face confronting my husband. My son is also at home from university and was intending to go back but hasn’t done yet. I was also waiting until he was out of the way. I am so scared of where this is going to end up. I’m going to have to bring it up soon though.

We have a very good marriage in all ways apart from sex. We haven’t had sex for a number of years. E keep saying we must get back on track but neither of us actually makes it happen. My husband has suffered from erectile dysfunction in the past but, again, we’ve kind of brushed it under the carpet, put it off and assumed that things would get back to normal eventually.

I also had a mastectomy four years ago which I’ve tried to talk about but my husband just reassures me and then shuts the conversation down. He doesn’t talk about his feelings and finds emotional upheavals hard to deal with. He doesn’t talk about his own feelings. He is a fixer and when he can’t fix things doesn’t know what to say.

He has been a fantastic husband for twenty five years. He is reliable, solid and, as I said, a fixer. If he can see I need something doing or buying he just gets on with it. He is very generous and was happy to support me whilst I left work to do a degree after my cancer treatment. He is a wonderful father and has always out the kids first. I love him and I know he loves me. We have a happy life together, we are planning our retirement and we are best friends. He always has my back.

But I don’t know what to think about this curved ball. I don’t think he’s having an affair. He’s a terrible liar, well he just doesn’t lie. He’s been wfh
for over a year and doesn’t go anywhere without me or the dog. He’s not out of the house for more than an hour. He would have had plenty of opportunity before the first lockdown though. Nothing at all was amiss though and I can always tell when something is on his mind.

My question is, does anyone have experience of men using viagra just on their own ? Is this a thing ? Because it would make sense. He wouldn’t feel guilty about that, nor should he. He may have been using it as a sort of stopgap until we eventually got round to making some progress with our sex life. Or am I just kidding myself ? The thing is that cheating would be so out of character for him that it would mean the whole basis of my life is not what I thought it was.

I’m going to the hospice to see my relative now but I’ll be back late. I’d be very grateful for any insight or experience of this. Thanks.

[Nevercloser]

I know I have to speak to my husband because only he knows but I just wanted to know if use of viagra alone is a possibility.
I know I’ll get to the truth because he will be honest with me but before I open Pandora’s box I need some idea of what I’m facing.

[Nevercloser]

Later, not late.

[Nevercloser]

The ED predates the mastectomy but obviously the surgery hasn’t helped in terms of psychological barriers for both of us. I don’t think it’s the route cause but adds another layer of awkwardness and embarrassment which makes both of us shy away and pretend we’ll have an ‘early night’ next Saturday not this Saturday. Bury our heads in the sand a bit longer.

[anothernewtop]

I don’t think he’s having an affair.

Well he isn't using the viagra with you....

[Phoenix121]

Viagra is used for masturbation as well as for intercourse. Especially by older men.

[pog100]

It could be anything, up to and including a full blown affair. Mumsnet shows us all how seemingly great partners aren't always what they seem. However, it's also a definite possibility, given what you have said about the awkwardness around your sex life, that he has the Viagra in order to get hard to masturbate. I don't think anyone should underestimate the need for sexual release but also the easy division in people's (men's?) minds between intimate relations with a partner and masturbating for an orgasm. As you've said, you need an open discussion. Good luck.

[Eilethya]

He could well be using it on his own, I know it's hard but the only way you're going to know for certain is to just ask him.

You will get a lot of responses telling you he's cheating and what not, but you'll have to have it out with him.

Usually, blisters have the expiry date in the foil edges, can you make out any kind of exp date? Could it be they are old?

[MrsMaizel]

Men don't need to be hard to ejaculate so who knows .... he wouldn't be taking his toilet bag with him if he was having an affair !

[anothernewtop]

@MrsMaizel

Men don't need to be hard to ejaculate so who knows .... he wouldn't be taking his toilet bag with him if he was having an affair !

No but that's where he would hide them.

Masturbation with ED is not the same as sex with ED. It's much easier to have a wank.

If he had them solely for masturbation why would he hide them? Not tell OP?

[Nevercloser]

Thank you for all your replies.
Another
No he isn’t using it with me, that’s what set alarm bells ringing.
Although if he was using it for masturbation I can quite believe that he wouldn’t tell me as he would be embarrassed. He’s a very private person.

Pog
Yes there is a lot of awkwardness and us both being avoidant we both prefer to ignore rather than confront. He can definitely compartmentalise as a coping mechanism.

Phoenix
I’m so so glad you think it could be being used as a masturbation aid. He does masturbate obviously but we don’t talk about it.
It still leaves the question as to why he’s not thought it better to use with me. It feels as though he’s just written off our sex life and I really didn’t think we were in that territory. Also it makes me feel even more ugly and disfigured. It still feels like a betrayal even if he isn’t having an affair but I suppose what he does on his own is his business and I really don’t mind. It’s the secrecy that’s making me insecure.

The use by date is April 23. I don’t know how long a use by they have but it would suggest that it might be a recent thing in which case he definitely isn’t having an affair.

I need to steel myself and talk to him. Is it ok to wait until the other stuff in my life has come to a resolution ? I will need him when my relative dies, I’ve been running on adrenaline and I know I’m going to crash at some point. Also if it does all blow up I don’t want my son here.

Could it really be for masturbation ? Please tell me (again) I’m not kidding myself.

Once again, thank you for the replies

[Dadandahalf]

He could be using them for masturbation. An erection is not strictly necessary for masturbation but it certainly makes it easier and more satisfying. Masturbating with ED is not going to make you feel good about yourself.

He could be trying them out. Plenty of men use them alone when first prescribed- don't want to disappoint their partner if they don't work as well as hoped.

Or he could be cheating on you.

Really you can't draw any conclusions from the fact that he has them. And the fact that they were kept somewhere tucked away doesn't make any of the possible explanations more likely - people generally keep those sorts of things privately whatever they are using them for. Honestly I think you will just have to ask him and gauge his reaction. It's a perfectly reasonable question for you to ask under the circumstances.

[Phoenix121]

Masturbation was the first thing I thought of after reading your description of him and your relationship.

Good luck OP, it's always difficult to talk about these things with a partner who is reserved, but it will be worth it in the long run.

[Anothernick]

I have always believed that we men had to - ahem - release regularly whether or not we were in a relationship. That is certainly true for me, I would find it hard to go more than a week without, and this has been the case ever since I was 12. So if you are not having sex with your DH and he has ED then it is quite possible he is using viagra to masturbate. Which might be a good sign in some ways, at least it shows his urges are still there which might help you get your sex life back on track.

As others have said, you need to talk. A good sex life, like everything else in a relationship, requires communication and compromise.

[GelfBride]

Why do you need to mention this at all? He's not having an affair.

[Nevercloser]

Dad
You talk a lot of sense, thank you. I agree with what you have said but didn’t know if I was just kidding myself that there could be an innocent
explanation.

Other replies confirming that viagra could be used as an aid to masturbation make me feel loads better so thank you to everyone who made the effort to reply and tell me that.

I know I need to bring the whole lack of sex, elephant in the room up with him. It will be excruciating for both of us but as you say, Phoenix, well worth it. I know you’re all right. I will do it.

Thanks again to everyone.

[momtoboys]

Never - may I ask how old you are? My DH and I have not had sex in years and I have thought all of the things you mentioned. Great husband, solid, kind, loving, great dad. Some ED problems and then nothing.

[Nevercloser]

Momtoboys

I’m 58, he’s 59. Yes, what you describe is exactly us. Nothing for years and it’s become normal fo4 us day to day. It’s there at the back of my mind that I should try to do something about it but then we just carry on quite happily. We laugh a lot, spend all our time together, make plans and really are on the same page about everything.

The last couple of times we had sex it didn't end well. He just said, very sheepishly, sorry I can’t manage it so that was that. Cue another 8 or 9 months and the same thing happened. That’s when we effectively gave up.

I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. I keep thinking we’re missing out. We’ve done all the grunt work of bringing up children, we’ve gone through serious illness, bereavement and lots of other hard stuff. We’ve always been there for each other and I think always will be so I think we deserve a sex life.

When I pluck up courage to talk to him I’ll post on this thread and le5 you know how it went.

I hope you find your own solution.
X

[Nevercloser]

Oh and thanks to the male posters. It really is helpful to have a man’s perspective on this issue. You really can’t ask anyone in real life.

[ittakes2]

I am sorry about your relative. I hope you are OK.
You don't need a prescription for viagra anymore. If he has not had his testosterone levels checked than he should do. Not just for the sexual point of view it can also lead to health problems.

[WinterSunglasses]

Is it ok to wait until the other stuff in my life has come to a resolution ? I will need him when my relative dies, I’ve been running on adrenaline and I know I’m going to crash at some point

Yes, absolutely it's fine to wait. The whole no sex situation would benefit from a conversation, but it's already been a while, and I see no point in making everything more difficult during a crisis. Best wishes with it all.

[Nevercloser]

Ittakes

That’s a very good point. He definitely wouldn’t have been to the doctors. I didn’t think of that.
X

[Nevercloser]

Winter

Thank you
You’re right. I will wait until things are calmer. It won’t be much longer.
😓

[FeelingStupid2021]

The same thing has happened to me recently. DH says it was from when he was having issues years ago and went to the doctor. He just told me the Dr said it was anxiety and will pass but said he was too embarrassed to tell me he was given pills. This was probably 8 years ago. It was half a pill and I found it on the floor in his office (he has recently moved his office from one room to another in the house). It certainly didn't look 8 years old and he definitely hasn't use it with me.

I can't prove that he's lying, part of me doesn't want to know. I think if you do speak to him you need to decide first whether it's something you want to hear. The problem is my DH has given me an answer but I'm not sure its true. I'm not sure what I actually want to hear TBH.

[Nevercloser]

Feeling

I feel exactly the same. That’s why I haven’t said anything, I keep going through all the different scenarios in my mind and thinking what I’d do in each one. And I just don’t know. I’ve got another one to consider now, the one you’re in. I’ve even considered prostitutes. It must be awful for you having doubts as to whether he’s told you the truth. I can definitely see a situation where my husband got them for use on his own though and was too embarrassed to tell me, so without knowing your husband I’d say it was certainly a possibility.

[Otter71]

Viagra can now be bought from a pharmacy. There are other meds for ED that will still need a doctor to prescribe and it sounds like he isn't one for that. DP had a few different ones and tried them out alone. Even with the best of the bunch he struggles more often than not. Key to it is making sure he knows to have fun trying is all that matters for us. Hope you get some resolution.