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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He kissed his friend

78 replies

Popsi0 · 14/05/2021 13:23

I've namechanged but I'm so shocked and I really don't know what to do.

I've got a 6 week old ds and I've been with my partner for 3 years. Last night my partner told me he needed to tell my something as he felt guilty. He told me that a couple of weeks ago he kissed his (male) friend. He said he doesn't know why but he isn't gay and he isn't attracted to him.

I'm so shocked and really don't know where to go from here..

OP posts:

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BingBongToTheMoon · 14/05/2021 13:29

In my opinion you need to work out if that constitutes cheating to you and if so, where would you like this revelation to lead your relationship? Work on it or dump his cheating arse?
Was he drunk?
Personally, I’d be done.
(That’s of no real help, sorry)

orzo15 · 14/05/2021 14:01

Sorry op, this must be really confusing. How would you feel if it was a female friend?

JarJarQ · 14/05/2021 14:05

Where did he kiss him?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/05/2021 14:05

Ooh! That has to be hard to hear.

But he may say/think he is not gay or attracted to men but he did kiss a male friend, so something is going on in his head.

All I can say is you need to step back and think what you think about him having kissed anybody.

His sexuality is up to him to work out and then be hionest with you about.

But it would be surprising if this was simply a one off mistake on his part. I would steel myself for more confusion as the years go on!

flashylamp · 14/05/2021 14:06

Last night my partner told me he needed to tell my something as he felt guilty.

Ah, so long as he has eased his guilt

What a prick dumping this on the mother of his newborn just to ease his conscience.

I would be he is banking on you forgiving him because you are 'weak' (I mean this in the nicest possible way) as you have a newborn baby to care for and your hormones and emotions are all over the place.

He WILL do this again.

flashylamp · 14/05/2021 14:07

The fact he kissed a man is a red herring btw. He is in a committed relationship, he wouldn't be kissing anyone.

flashylamp · 14/05/2021 14:07

*shouldnt

ErickBroch · 14/05/2021 14:19

Two things. One, he's cheated on you. Two, he has some attraction to men - he could be bisexual or homosexual. The denial of it isn't great - I would expect this to continue until he fully accepts his attraction to men.

h4ppy · 14/05/2021 14:30

Well but he IS gay, no?

Strawberrysaxifrage · 14/05/2021 14:36

Did he say what were the circumstances and why he ended up kissing his male friend?

ConfusedAdultFemale · 14/05/2021 14:39

@h4ppy no, one kiss does not make him gay. Him being gay depends on if he’s exclusively attracted to men and we don’t know that he is.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/05/2021 14:47

What’s the context? Group of drunk guys messing around and doing dumb shit, or passionate one-on-one? Who instigated the kiss - did the friend kiss him and partner not know how to react or was it mutual? Makes something of a difference how it happened.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 14:47

@h4ppy

Well but he IS gay, no?

He could be bisexual? Either way I think the sexuality is a red herring to an extent - he's cheated on you OP and I think you need to work out how you feel about that in principle. I personally couldn't forgive him not only doing it but being so selfish as to confess when I was at my most vulnerable having just given birth and then saying he didn't know why he did it etc. What a headfuck.

AramintaLee · 14/05/2021 14:47

I'm always confused by the immediate "I'm not gay" defence. I don't ever think it's anything other than denial. You don't kiss someone unless you WANT to kiss them and if you want to kiss them, it's usually because there's a degree of attractive. Even if he was drunk, there was some subconscious attraction going on. If he's not gay then he's at the very least bi-curious.

Regardless, kissing another person (be it male or female) is cheating. If my DP told me he kissed someone else, I don't think it would be an immediate relationship ender and there would be some consolation in the fact that he owned up to it, but we would certainly need some relationship counselling and trust building.

I hope you find an answer OP. I really feel for you x

Popsi0 · 14/05/2021 14:47

He went out for a drink with the friend but when he got back he wasn't drunk. He said he didn't mean to kiss his friend but apparently his friend didn't kiss him back. He said he apologised but said he loves me. I'm so confused!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 14:49

@Popsi0

He went out for a drink with the friend but when he got back he wasn't drunk. He said he didn't mean to kiss his friend but apparently his friend didn't kiss him back. He said he apologised but said he loves me. I'm so confused!

Ugh so he's confessed something then said he can't explain it and doesn't really know why he did it, leaving you upset and blindsided.

Horrible, selfish man.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this in real life, who you trust?

snackmonster · 14/05/2021 14:51

I feel like we are missing a lot of context?

My DP has kissed mates before when very drunk - just laddish behaviour/being rowdy and silly.

If he does actually fancy his friend then that obviously would be very different.

Why did he kiss him?

Stockholmvillage · 14/05/2021 14:52

Regardless of who he kissed he's cheated. And he did it whilst you're at home looking after his kid.

Totally agree with his sexuality being a red herring.

premium77 · 14/05/2021 14:55

that is very confusing (and frankly, suspicious) OP! was it just a peck?

jajabanks · 14/05/2021 14:59

What situation would make him kiss the other guy? Where were they? He didn't kiss back so I'm wondering how the situation had arisen? Think I'd be trying to dig more into how it happened. Hope you're ok x

Cas112 · 14/05/2021 15:03

@Popsi0

He went out for a drink with the friend but when he got back he wasn't drunk. He said he didn't mean to kiss his friend but apparently his friend didn't kiss him back. He said he apologised but said he loves me. I'm so confused!

If his friend didnt kiss back there could be a chance the friend has threatened to tell you and advised your partner to do so before he does.

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 14/05/2021 15:04

You have a problem op. I would in no way be happy with what you have just told us on here. Of course men do not go around kissing each other, it is not okay and he has cheated on your regardless. The fact he has made this your problem six weeks after having a baby is even worse.

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BetterThanKleenex · 14/05/2021 15:22

There's no way it was just an innocent kiss unless it was a blokey jokey one- in which case there'd be no need to tell you because it was just drunken idiocy. If he noted that his friend didn't kiss back it's because he was expecting/wanting him to.

I'm so sorry OP- try to get as much information as possible- and maybe even open a conversation with his friend to see if anything else is going on. Don't make any decisions until you know as much as possible.

Do you have real life support- someone you can tell or speak to about it?

Tubs11 · 14/05/2021 15:29

So he initiated the kiss? I wouldn't kiss someone unless I fancied them so he must have some feelings for this guy. Sorry OP, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but the reality is he's not committed to you and is confused sexually

Crazylikechocolate · 14/05/2021 15:50

My male married friend used to kiss everyone when he was drunk , I think he's grown out of it now , pretty sure he's not gay , just a silly love everyone drunk

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