Page 14 | feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

(350 Posts)
hannag Fri 14-May-21 10:48:50

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP’s posts: |
vdbfamily Sat 15-May-21 07:36:39

Interested in whether you agreed to chat last night OP or not. A relationship will not survive game playing and not be healthy. If you have had a mini blip which has left you feeling awful all day and he has sent you flowers and wants to chat then the answer is yes, of course you chat, and you are honest about how the whole thing made you feel. You are who you are, with all your baggage, and he is who he is, with all his baggage, and what the two of you are trying to do is see if you have a compatible relationship moving forward. All the thoughts and feelings you are trying to hide from him, all the worries you have about what he is thinking, just talk to him. If it is too much and he runs a mile, surely you had better know that now than when you are even more invested in staying together.
If he does have an ASC, he is unlikely to change( although he can learn about what you need and try and be more like that, but in my experience it will never be easy or natural for him) You have to be secure enough to KNOW someone loves you via their actions, rather than constant declarations of love or reassurances.

Karwomannghia Sat 15-May-21 07:49:59

I don’t think it’s weird he brought it up, it’s good, it was the crux of the matter and a chance to talk about how you both felt about it! It’s ok to be vulnerable. In your head you’re clinging to him but he doesn’t see that. He was prob a bit confused as to why suddenly everything was ok!
Anyway I hope you came away from the conversation feeling ok and that you have stuff to keep you busy, not to have an excuse not to see him, but to occupy your own mind. I’ve been there btw - when I got together with dh I wrote the most hilariously long obsessed email to a friend, I didn’t even notice I’d been locked into a library in France over lunch using the computer (so before we could bare our souls on mn).

Lovelydiscusfish Sat 15-May-21 08:05:15

He sounds nice and like he is trying to deal with this maturely. Why don’t you try and be honest with him about how you are feeling? Nothing will be achieved if you now start to feign indifference because you think that’s what he wants.

I think there is something a bit worrying about the way you speak about your neediness, almost pathologising it. I just wonder if this is a message you have heard from a previous partner and internalised.

Get counselling if you are unhappy - personally I think it’s great. But I don’t think you should get it to try and “cure” yourself of the fact that you sometimes feel vulnerable or insecure in a developing relationship.

Because falling for someone IS scary. It DOES make us vulnerable. It IS upsetting if you are really looking forward to seeing someone and they are working instead. You are not obliged to hide all of these emotions, from him or from yourself. You are not somehow a better person if you act indifferent to whether you see him or not......

Bubblesdublin Sat 15-May-21 08:16:22

@Percypigg Cant believe again lol

TolkiensFallow Sat 15-May-21 08:21:32

It’s good you are going to get help, look at cbt and support for emotional regulation as reading through this thread you have had quite extreme (and disproportionate) reactions to things and it’s not healthy for you. Relationships are hard but this sounds a goodun

Eviethyme Sat 15-May-21 08:35:54

Sorry but now it seems like your pushing him away, he says he wants to see you but you now sound like your not bothered and couldn't care less.

If I was him I would just leave as it doesn't seem like you know how to be in a relationship.

Just because your told not to be clingy etc doesn't mean you have to push him away, a simple * if your busy it's fine and I understand but I would also love to see you* is acceptable but also shows you care...


seensome Sat 15-May-21 08:53:51

I would be different and say leave it, this guy is very busy he doesn't have the time to spend with you, a lot of women wait around on men and forever working around their commitments if his lifestyle doesn't doesn't suit you, as in this is probably is going to be a regular occurrence, find someone who wants to spend more time with you.

seensome Sat 15-May-21 08:58:48

Just read update - glad to hear it's worked ok but still if your passive and keep to yourself then nothing changes but agree there is a way to communicate better.

Horehound Sat 15-May-21 09:07:06


**@Percypigg** Cant believe again lol

What are you and @Percypigg talking about?! Another dates again? That doesn't make sense!

AnaViaSalamanca Sat 15-May-21 09:18:40

@Bubblesdublin @Percypigg me too. Just watching it unfold

Horehound Sat 15-May-21 09:20:04

@AnaViaSalamanca whaaatt?!

hannag Sat 15-May-21 09:41:47

Thanks for replies. I have always had this fixation that relationships are about maintaining a dynamic...I have to be fun, witty, attractive, definitely NOT needy and fundamentally I have to keep my needs to myself. I don’t know why I feel these things so strongly but i remember feeling them even as a teenager. I once told a boy I really really liked at school that I didn’t mind if he wanted to date others as well and that I was relaxed about it all and would always be there for him. I really and truly felt that was all I was worth. Fuck knows why I had that attitude.

OP’s posts: |
Homer68 Sat 15-May-21 09:50:36

Glad it seems to have worked out. Only red flag I have is this comment @hannag made... "He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve".

Why on earth would you do this ? Playing games here. Just go with the flow and see how it goes. Don't play silly games.

wanadu2022 Sat 15-May-21 09:51:42


I think they are referring to a troll who posted these long threads about a non issue with a man that somehow managed to extend to 4-5 threads. It was very believable, but ultimately all false.

Tbh I'm now wondering the same. It's a very similar style and problem.

Horehound Sat 15-May-21 09:53:38



I think they are referring to a troll who posted these long threads about a non issue with a man that somehow managed to extend to 4-5 threads. It was very believable, but ultimately all false.

Tbh I'm now wondering the same. It's a very similar style and problem.

Ah ok thanks. I did wonder

Blueshoess Sat 15-May-21 10:03:21

Hi OP,

I’m more of a lurker/reader then a commentator usually but I felt like I had to reach out at say something. I haven’t read the whole thread but mainly some of your responses and I feel that you’ve been really harsh on yourself with some of the language you’ve used about yourself.

I don’t think from what you’ve said, that you need professional help. You’ve clearly identified that there are situations which trigger a really uncomfortable feeling inside you, which makes you want to quick abandon ship. To others this may look like game playing, but to me it looks like you’re trying to protect yourself from being hurt. You clearly have insight to your behaviour and want to address this, before labelling yourself a nutter and making yourself feel unloveable - I would recommend reading the following 2 books: Insecure in love and Attached
Both will really support with understanding yourself a little better, when you can understand WHY it triggers you then you can have some honest conversations with yourself and your boyfriend to why at times you feel anxious.

You are normal for having feelings. Emotions aren’t the enemy. You’re anxious because you emotionally care, that’s okay and it doesn’t make you a nutter. There’s lots of things you can do to help yourself and you’ll be just fine smile x

KurtWilde Sat 15-May-21 10:03:53

Hmm hmm

Bubblesdublin Sat 15-May-21 10:25:00

@wanadu2022 exactly hmmwink

Alcemeg Sat 15-May-21 12:02:54

Hmmmmmm... hmm

Ruminating2020 Sat 15-May-21 12:26:58


* Unless you are genuinely too busy to do so, why would you want to do that? Stop playing mind games op, if you want an authentic relationship.*

To stop her getting obsessive and fixated on this relationship?

Its like having a healthy relationship with food. You can’t eat what you you want because you end up using it as a crutch and get fat. Or drinking. Or obsessive relationships.
Op wants a healthy relationship. That means giving them both space to work out their feelings, priorities and keep their relationship on a even course.

See you friends Op. Go out, go to the gym or gave a run, do your hobbies so you have something to talk about when you do meet up. Good for you, good for the relationship,

I think you misunderstood my post @Thewinterofdiscontent.

Playing games by pretending to be too busy to chat after your dp has made the effort, so that you don't appear too fixated on the relationship, isn't part of a healthy relationship.
If op decides that she needs space before speaking to him, then again she's needs to let her dp know.

lifeissweet Sat 15-May-21 12:39:23

I think, OP, that you have fallen into a horrible trap where you are trying to mind-read your boyfriend instead of actually communicating.

All day yesterday, you were assuming things about how he was feeling, what he was thinking and what he was going to do next. The fact is, you didn't know - and you were completely wrong!

You went fully into overthink mode where you attributed all of these motives onto the poor man and then decided it was over on the basis of complete guesses.

And you're STILL doing it.

You are assuming that he is going to be looking at you and thinking 'she's too needy'. He almost definitely isn't. You might feel needy, but while you are hiding all of your feelings and not communicating, your behaviour is giving him completely different vibes - stroppy, standoffish, not that bothered... none of them are better than 'needy'!

I think PP's have pointed this out, but I will too. You need to stop looking inward and projecting - and start thinking about things from your bf's perspective. By that, I don't mean assuming how he feels, but actually asking him. Communicating.

Don't double-think apologising when you've done something wrong because of how it might look or what might happen... just apologise! Because that's what people deserve.

Don't mess around with 'shall I pretend to be too busy to appear breezy?' Because that may be read as indifference. Just do what you actually want. He is more likely to feel wanted and valued if you show your interest.

I understand where this has all come from. I have had anxiety around relationships before, but only usually where the other party's behaviour has been inconsistent or unpredictable. It can make you feel like you're going a bit mad.

If you are in a good relationship with a secure person, you can communicate your insecurities and needs in the knowledge that they will understand and try to support with it. If you can't, or they take that badly, then it is not the relationship for you.

Bubblesdublin Tue 18-May-21 13:06:31

Has the op been banned again

PinkSatinMoon Tue 18-May-21 18:40:46


Has the op been banned again

again 😱🤔

Bubblesdublin Tue 18-May-21 22:52:54

Just havent seen any posts here since weekend..thread is still open though hmm

DateXY Wed 19-May-21 23:17:12


Stop beating yourself up. You made a mistake. Take it as an opportunity to learn from it. Apologise if that’s what you want to do and you feel it is right. You can only control how you feel and do. Hopefully your partner see’s it that way and has empathy. Good luck


Also OP from your post it's clear you overthink, and very likely there's issues with low self esteem. Do work on these issues, not for your relationship, but for you so you are fully secure in your own worth. Whatever you do, absolutely don't become dependent on this man for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and peace. Men can also sense lack of self esteem and nearly always it ends up with the man not valuing you / taking advantage of your lack of self confidence.

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