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Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.(188 Posts)
I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!
When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.
I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.
Is he trying to run away from something? Seems very underhanded to have organised all this and a plan of the good points. Surely from the get to this would be a family discussion not all on him. I’d be giving a firm no way and digging to find out why
I ask him why and he responds that this the right time... he thinks my desire for stability is holding him back I think mid life crisis (he is mid forties)
Do not, under any circumstances, go to Australia, or anywhere else, with a man this unstable in his thinking. If you ever end up there you will be trapped because you will not be able to return with your DC. There are many, many threads here with women in such awful positions.. Please avoid it at all costs!
It's hard to tell from your post if he's making a reasonable case for considering it. Obviously he can't decide unilaterally for the family, and I can kind of understand your reluctance - sounds like you're contentedly settled here. But emigrating isn't necessarily a mad idea! Does he have form for fads like this? Can you understand his reasons for wanting to go (even if they don't away you)? You sound very upset about something that (in your shoes) I'd respond to with "hmm, interesting idea, let's consider it - but it's have to be a pretty convincing gain to make me willing to uproot my life".
Tell him move on if he wants.
Do not be bullied or entertain this to keep him happy.
Let him off.
@keyboardmash I suppose upset because I didn't get the opportunity to say hmm interesting... he didn't 'suggest' it, I picked up th phone to recruitment agency and often overheard his conversation so I asked him outright- what's this about Australia. he stonewalled me and DD for the rest of the dinner (she kept saying why is daddy eating another mouthful and not answering the question) and then got up and said, I've written it all down and threw a piece of paper with his reasons across the table. It felt like, he objectively feels this is right and because I don't, I am an arse
I'd let him go! I'm normally all for big adventures, but if you split over there you won't be able to bring your dc home. You have a lot going for you here and I just do t trust him! Seriously, I'd be happier to be without him.
Both DD and I would be happy to move within the UK eg nearer to my parents but he doesn't want to. I miss where I grew up but have committed to living where we do- eg making friends enjoying the countryside.
A few years ago he was so cross because I didn't want to move from our village into the city. The city is much more expensive but I was happy to consider... however, his reason for NEEDING to move (and the reason why he was grumpy allegedly) was because he had to commute to work- it was a 8 mile drive!! Took Max 20mins
I did actually say, if you want to go, then go. But he told me that would be too hard on DD and on him.... no shit.
Why do some men never grow up?
Eek no way in hell. Hague Convention for one.
Is this literally out of the blue??
Is he hating the new job and having a crash and burn there?
And never mind his list of reasons to go - I'd want to see a written offer with salary and package details. A recruitment agency? What agency? Is this real, a formal offer?
It's a bit insulting to him to say it's a midlife crisis. Do him the honour of respecting that this is real. Ill be honest, I wouldn't go; and probably that will be the end of the marriage, though you could see how long distance went. With Covid restrictions, not very well.
So basically, if you can help me talk round a covert narcissist and convince him that he is being unreasonable, that would be a great help!
Use it a reason to split, why do you want to stay with a covert narcissist?
If he wants to go let him. He can get the lie of the land, figure out the school situation etc. You can take the time to consider your life and needs and you'll both figure out if you miss each other. I would need to be assured in your position of having a good job and a happily settled child that the opportunity was very, very good for ALL of you before venturing to the other side of the planet.
We moved to Australia for DHs work. We initially said we'd go for 2 years and ended up staying for 5 years (we're back in the uk now). Its an amazing country but It's very expensive over there and the pull of family is always there. If you did decide to go then you'd have to make sure that you'd be in a position to be able to
Move back with the children if you wanted to (not sure how you'd do that though, you'd have to seek legal advice). I heard many horror stories over there of brits moving over, splitting with ex whilst over there and having to stay as ex wouldn't allow them to move back to the uk with their children. Not sure how you'd stand with you both being from the uk and how you'd stand if you decided to get permanent residency.
I'd just let him go alone. Just make sure you are well-cared for.
he thinks my desire for stability is holding him back
Sure, what a selfish mother you are, not wanting to risk the security of a mortgage-free UK home against DH's sudden unilateral whim for adventure ...
I'm also pregnant. Thing is he seems fine and then something like this comes out of the blue. If we went, it would be hard for us both to get jobs back in the Uk having been out of the NHS. If DH was from Australia then, fine but he isn't so it just seems another crazy idea. I need to him to get some perspective and appreciate that we have a comfortable life
@Badgerlock42 thanks- I think you nailed it. He's probably going to spend much of his counselling session bitching about me. I feel so sad that he can't just love me and accept im not crap
I asked him outright- what's this about Australia. he stonewalled me and DD for the rest of the dinner (she kept saying why is daddy eating another mouthful and not answering the question) and then got up and said, I've written it all down and threw a piece of paper with his reasons across the table
Sulky twat keeps sulking even when he's confusing & upsetting his DD?
It's actually quite hard to get a job in Australia. There are age limits on most visas, and employers can only offer a non-Australian individual a job if there's no suitable Australian candidate. Of he's mid 40s then unless he works in an incredibly niche field this may well all be pie in the sky.
Encourage him to go.
Why are you having another child with a man you think is a Covert Narcissist?
Honestly encourage him to go on his own, set him free!!
Do you really believe he is a covert narcissist? Was the baby planned?
Australia is irrelevant and wether moving is a good idea is also irrelevant. This is him making plans that influence the whole family without involving other members of family, incapable of having an adult discussion about the future and throwing a tantrum when things magically don't work out the way he planned.
Time for a big talk and see if he is able to have a conversation. That should then tell the next steps.