Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

[HollowTalk]

I think I wouldn't marry him as I wouldn't want financial links to him. I'm sorry as it's obvious you love him, but you really shouldn't be in a legal financial partnership with him.

[LIZS]

Is he still using, will he get support? You cannot solve this it has to start with him. You need to put your dc and yourself first and do whatever you need to protect them from his addiction, practically and financially.

[InpatientGardener]

Really sorry this has happened to you- in my experience of relationships with addicts, they lie. When someone is addicted to a substance they will often minimise and lie, say how awful they feel, say they've given up, to keep you on side whilst merrily carrying on. They just get better at hiding it. I have been where you are in slightly different circumstances and I actually got him to take drug tests at random until I felt I could trust him again. If he's no longer using this shouldn't be a problem for him. If he gets defensive, you have your answer.

[Aprilshowersandhail]

He should go and stay with his df while he seeks help.. You aren't a therapist and he should not be around your dc right now..

[Reign21]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.
Do you feel like he has actually stopped using the cocaïne? I havnt been in this situation with a partner but my best friend had a really serious cocaïne addiction and it wasn't easy to deal with. It took her a really long time to get off of it and she lost everyone in the process due to it causing violent outbursts from her and episodes of psychosis (not saying he's anywhere near this point!). If he's saying he will tell you if he gets the urge to use, in my head he's possibly still using and doing what addicts do in saying "I'll tell you, il get help, il come clean" etc. It's very typical behaviour.
If he is using then you will only be able to help him if he truely wants to help himself, otherwise its a losing battle which was the position I was in for a long time with my friend. If your certain he isn't using then I would suggest talking to him about it, finding out how he got into it, and cutting out any influences to stop there being a possible urge/relapse.
I think it's really good that you want to stand by him and he's lucky to have that support. My friends life went completely down the sink hole, she then managed to turn her life around and is now completely clean, has a good job and a long term boyfriend who is a really positive influence on her.
I'm not by any means an expert at dealing with this but just be there to listen and accept he might not be entirely truthful all the time x

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Bail now. It doesn't get any easier - it only gets worse from here.

[daisydays90]

@HollowTalk I've already got financial links with him, we share a mortgage and other finances. He let me see all his accounts / bank statements etc. He said that's everything completely paid off and he offered to give me his other cards so that he only has access to our joint account.

He has promised he hasn't used at all this year. That it all came to a head towards the end of last year and that's when he realised he had to stop or he was going to fuck up his life completely. He said it was incredibly difficult but he did manage to stop and hasn't used since - it was just a case of paying off the debts he owed for the drugs, which he says are now paid off.

I do genuinely believe what he's telling me - I just don't know if that's incredibly naive or not. He told me that although it was so hard to tell me the truth, he feels like a whole weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that I know and he no longer has to keep this a secret from me.

He swears he's never had drugs anywhere near our house, he only ever did it in work.

[LIZS]

What were the circumstances of losing his job? Has he been honest about that? What help has he actively sought? You don't just stop. If he loses this job will it start all over again? Clearly it did impact on your life and finances even if you were unaware at the time - he cannot say otherwise. Did the money his df gave paper over the cracks?

[Lollyneenah]

I would insist on full control of finances and weekly narcotics anonymous meetings for at least the next 3-5 years OP

Addicts don't suddenly get better

[daisydays90]

@LIZS It was due to the pandemic, he had been on furlough for the majority of the last year and always knew it was a possibility. All his meetings regarding losing his job were conducted at our home via Zoom. I was home and he had a good friend (also a work colleague) sit in on the meetings as well. Everything he's told me about that is legit.

I think it started because of his old job and the stress it brought on him, not because he lost his job. If anything, despite the obvious financial implication, losing this particular job was a bit of a blessing in disguise as it was seriously impacting his mental health.

Oh he knows it has impacted us in many ways - he isn't denying that at all. Just apologising profusely for it.

The money his DF gave us, half of it went into our joint account to help us while he found work. The other half I didn't know of and he has used to pay off the drug debt. We are currently paying his DF back.

[Egghead81]

How he acts now will be very revealing

If he hauls arse, gets treatment and works bloody hard to get your trust back, and keeps at it... you have a keeper.

If he lets you down. Do. Not. Marry. Him.

[Grumblesigh]

Separate from him financially as much as possible. No joint account. You are tied via the mortgage but let that be it. Make sure that he cannot take out loans against the house without your co--sign. If he can - I would seriously consider selling up or buying him out if possible.

[Mamamamasaurus]

Has he agreed to attend NA or similar? I've no personal experience but I'm pretty sure that cocaine isn't that easy to just quit cold turkey

[litterbird]

I am so very sorry to read this. I would take full control of everything and do not marry right now. Concentrate on you pregnancy and your other child. Unfortunately there is a strong case that he may be telling a lie that he has stopped. He became an addict which doesn't go away over night. He may likely go back especially if he isn't having therapy. My biggest worry is this debt for the drugs he is 'paying off'....I truly hope this drug debt is credit card debt and not to a drug dealer.

[SunshineCake]

"He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone."

So he can't guarantee he won't use again and then if he feels he wants too mummy has to help him get help.

I'd be out tbh.

[MusicMenu]

This is exactly the story my DH told me about smoking. Always ashamed and embarrassed, devastated to have let me down, would get help etc etc. 30 years on he's had to admit there were only very short periods when he wasn't lying to me about how much he was smoking and how much he was spending on cigarettes and I'm having to nurse a bedbound terminal cancer paitient.

I appreciate cigarettes aren't cocaine, but an addict is an addict.

[Gazelda]

I'd suggest you insist on therapy. Both jointly and him separately.

[OrchestraOfWankery]

@litterbird

I am so very sorry to read this. I would take full control of everything and do not marry right now. Concentrate on you pregnancy and your other child. Unfortunately there is a strong case that he may be telling a lie that he has stopped. He became an addict which doesn't go away over night. He may likely go back especially if he isn't having therapy. My biggest worry is this debt for the drugs he is 'paying off'....I truly hope this drug debt is credit card debt and not to a drug dealer.

Seems he's been paying dealers direct

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals.

[litterbird]

@OrchestraOfWankery......I missed that bit about large sums being paid out to individuals ....... OP......you need to seriously re think what you are doing with him. This is a dangerous situation all round.

[DianeCherry]

Do you pay drug dealers by bank transfer these days??

[daisydays90]

He was paying the dealer directly, sometimes via bank transfer, sometimes via transfer to his partner and other times by cash. He took out a small loan and used the money his dad gave him to pay this. He has shown me all the transactions. He has said his focus the last few months was just paying it all off, which he promises he has now done.

I think tonight when he gets home I'm going to ask him to show me if he has correspondence directly from the dealer, so I can know for sure if it really is all paid off now.

I genuinely believe he would never put myself or our child in harm's way. He said his focus to stop was us. He just kept thinking about how much he had fucked up and thinking of us was what made him finally quit.

I know, I know... every addict probably says that, right? I just don't know. I'm so hurt and confused.

[daisydays90]

@SunshineCake It wasn't actually him who brought up the part about if he ever was to use again. I told him that my main worry was him feeling the urge to use again. He said if that were to ever happen he would tell me.

[LIZS]

But he hasn't paid it off if he still owes his df. You must have thought he had paid it off, if you only knew about part of it.

[Egghead81]

A dealer accepting bank transfers?

Bloody hell.... he sounds like something of a novice.

I’d be a little worried that there’s now a financial paper trail between your partner and a drug dealer

[DianeCherry]

@Egghead81

A dealer accepting bank transfers?

Bloody hell.... he sounds like something of a novice.

I’d be a little worried that there’s now a financial paper trail between your partner and a drug dealer

This!