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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you class this as emotional abuse or am I just sensitive?

84 replies

pepperpot82 · 05/05/2021 15:09

Reflecting on my relationship, some things just don't sit right with me. I know it's my own autonomous decision on whether I am 'happy' with these things or not, but I am not sure if they are hallmarks of abuse or if I am just too sensitive...

Name calling, sometimes in a 'joking' way. For example, DP will say things like 'you're a pain in the arse', 'you're annoying', in a joking fashion. Other times, during arguments, he will say things like 'you're behaving like a bitch/cunt'. I hate swearing and seldom would ever talk like that to him, and would never use language like the c word. He never calls me it directly, but says I am acting like a 'x'.

He doesn't really take accountability for things. He will apologise and admit he did something wrong, but then follow it with 'but you did x to make my behaviour worse' or 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't of done x'. And he constantly uses the phrase, 'you had your part to play in it all too, it's not all me'.

He will touch me in public, in a sexual way, even though I have told him not to and that I don't like it. Nothing too OTT, but things like quickly putting his hand down my trousers and grabbing my bum. He will also do this at night time - if I have said no to sex, and even sometimes if we have had sex, he will constantly pester me all night by trying to touch me, even if I repeatedly tell him no and to stop it and get pissed off. I end up having a terrible nights sleep.

Recently, he has started to 'forget' that he has agreed to doing certain things or pretends he doesn't understand. For instance, he kept deleting WhatsApp conversations and lying about a certain friend of his, so when I found out he said he would be completely transparent and stop deleting his conversations with her. I then found out he'd deleted it and he said he 'regularly deletes conversations from his phone' (he doesn't as others remain, apart from hers) and then he said that he 'didn't realise he'd agreed not to delete the conversations at all, only that he wouldn't delete it if something that could upset me came up'.

Now that I've written it down, it's terrible isn't it...

OP posts:

Report

CoastAlong · 05/05/2021 15:10

I don't think you are bieng over sensitive. This doesn't sound good at all sorry.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/05/2021 15:11

it's terrible isn't it...

Yes.

He's abusive in many ways. Emotionally, physically, sexually.

Any one of these issues is a huge problem. Collectively it's awful.

You need to get help to deal with this

CoastAlong · 05/05/2021 15:11

I should spellcheck! *being

Lottapianos · 05/05/2021 15:13

Yes it's terrible. His behaviour towards you is appalling. You don't have to put up with it, and it's not normal. Listen to your gut - you know his behaviour is abusive

Amdone123 · 05/05/2021 15:14

It's not good.
How long have you been together? Do you have children ?

Boopeedoop · 05/05/2021 15:17

He sounds awful.

username12345T · 05/05/2021 15:17

OP the name calling is enough to end the relationship never mind the sexual assault and gaslighting. You're not being sensitive enough.

0808 2000 247 national help line

pepperpot82 · 05/05/2021 15:59

I know that this is wrong, my gut is screaming at me, I wasn't sure if I was just overly sensitive because of my past. The vast majority of men I get into relationships with turn out to be not so nice. Although I have had a relationship with one man I would consider 'normal', we were just at different life stages.

He's made me feel like I need to question myself by telling me that our relationship failings are '50% my fault', and whenever I try to break things off with him he does big declarations of love (like massive deliveries of flowers, expensive gifts, turning up at my house randomly unannounced to tell me how much he loves me - even sometimes in the middle of the night!) Then he will say that he clearly is fighting for us and I'm not... that he knows he is the one for me and can make me happy, if only I will let him. He also says I would be an idiot to let him go, that he is taking on my DC which is a massive deal and I will find very few men willing to do that, that I will never find anyone that will love me as much as he does.

OP posts:

pepperpot82 · 05/05/2021 16:00

Together a little over 2 years, no children together.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2021 16:03

So he does this overly sexualised behaviour with your children as well and stops you having a good night sleep?

That is awful OP get rid it sounds like you have little ties to him

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 16:06

It's beyond terrible. He's absolutely horrible and you know it. He's a gaslighting, sexually abusive twat. Get the hell out of there, and you can't possibly do this fast enough. Thank god you don't have kids with this creep, but you need to protect the children you do have.

DungeonKeeper · 05/05/2021 16:07

Absolutely not just sensitive. Reread your post and think about what you would say if a friend told you that. He’s also manipulating you.

Amdone123 · 05/05/2021 16:10

That's good you don't have children together.
He sounds really controlling. I'd call it a day, tell him you're not happy and he is wasting his time trying to make you happy. Tell him you no longer love him. He can't argue with that. Tell him there is no point fighting for you, as there is no fight to be had.

pepperpot82 · 05/05/2021 16:10

He doesn't do this behaviour it in front of DC and I deliberately invite him over on the weekends when DC are with their dad, he has very little contact with them other than the odd day out. The bedroom stuff is obviously in private.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 05/05/2021 16:15

He sounds gross. Putting his hand down your trousers in public - and you think that's not OTT? Time to raise your standards.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2021 16:15

He doesn't even live with you. Do the right thing and end this, right now. Block him and move in with your life.

nancywhitehead · 05/05/2021 16:16

From what you've said it sounds like he is manipulative, controlling and I would say quite abusive to you. Sorry OP but I wouldn't go near him with a barge pole and if I did find myself in your position with a man like this I would be packing up and leaving him as soon as humanly possible.

You are obviously pondering it all and feeling it's not really right and hopefully now you've confirmed that.

Things are not going to get better if you stay with him, because a man who does the things you describe will not have the emotional maturity to care for you in the way you need. You deserve better - everyone does.

wingsnthat · 05/05/2021 16:18

Tbh the worst things are touching you sexually without your consent and then gaslighting you

I don’t know you but I can assure you that YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER

nancywhitehead · 05/05/2021 16:20

@pepperpot82

I know that this is wrong, my gut is screaming at me, I wasn't sure if I was just overly sensitive because of my past. The vast majority of men I get into relationships with turn out to be not so nice. Although I have had a relationship with one man I would consider 'normal', we were just at different life stages.

He's made me feel like I need to question myself by telling me that our relationship failings are '50% my fault', and whenever I try to break things off with him he does big declarations of love (like massive deliveries of flowers, expensive gifts, turning up at my house randomly unannounced to tell me how much he loves me - even sometimes in the middle of the night!) Then he will say that he clearly is fighting for us and I'm not... that he knows he is the one for me and can make me happy, if only I will let him. He also says I would be an idiot to let him go, that he is taking on my DC which is a massive deal and I will find very few men willing to do that, that I will never find anyone that will love me as much as he does.

You don't have to explain yourself to him, OP. Just leave him.

All of this behaviour when you try to break up with him is extremely manipulative and controlling. He is just guilt-tripping you to get you to stay. And coming to your house in the middle of the night is actually extremely disrespectful of boundaries.

The whole thing about "not fighting for us" is rich - why on earth would you fight for a relationship with a man who touches you non-consensually, calls you a c*, talks to other women and never takes responsibiilty for his actions?

Ugh, there's enough in your initial post to make me cringe for you, and I'm sure there is more too! Just leave him and don't look back!

Pricklykaktus · 05/05/2021 16:26

If he doesn’t live with you I’d take the opportunity now to end it, a lot easier than further down the line when you’re potentially more financially committed. He’s wrong to say few men would take on your dc, a lot of men seem to think they are “different” to other men but actually there are many decent men out there, just a case of finding the right one for you. I also notice you go on to say he has very little contact with you DC so presumably he hasn’t been put to the test with regards to this anyway. He sounds really disrespectful to put it mildly and this is unlikely to change.

NewlyGranny · 05/05/2021 16:28

You don't need his permission or approval to end a relationship that isn't bringing you joy and really isn't worth fighting for. You've tried "letting" him make you happy and it hasn't worked, has it?

I'm not seeing any redeeming features here: he's rude and disrespectful, he tramples every boundary you set and then tried to gaslight you into taking half the blame.

Get rid before he consumes any more of the oxygen in your life.

NewlyGranny · 05/05/2021 16:29

And when he says you'll never find anyone else like him, the appropriate response is, "I should bloody well hope not!"

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2021 16:30

@pepperpot82

He doesn't do this behaviour it in front of DC and I deliberately invite him over on the weekends when DC are with their dad, he has very little contact with them other than the odd day out. The bedroom stuff is obviously in private.

Then how is he taking on your children.

I think deep down you dont want him near your children so you are keeping them apart.

Please please get rid of him

Hombadigada · 05/05/2021 16:34

Run for the hills!

Rainbowshine · 05/05/2021 16:34

You can’t compensate someone for sexually assaulting them by buying expensive gifts and flowers.

He’s hoovering you back in by doing that (have a search on here for gaslighting, emotional abuse and narcissistic behaviour)

End it but be careful, he won’t take this without protesting and being a right pain in the backside. You’ll need to block him on your phone and SM etc and be prepared for the character assassination and blaming you.

Flip

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