Split with partner but 27 weeks pregnant! What to do?

(26 Posts)
EW123 Tue 04-May-21 23:11:48

New to this forum conversations but honestly in need of some advice. I’ve split with my partner of 5 years. He has a child to someone else and so do I. Getting with him wasn’t the easier as it started as an affair. (Yes I know, not the best)

Recently since being pregnant he didn’t show any signs of caring at all. Wouldn’t ask how I was, or if baby was moving. Nothing at all.

He gave up his house to his ex wife to be and moved in with me. After 6 days of living with me I BLEW. Locked him out and he hasn’t been back since.

We have had a rocky past, he speaks to my son like shit. Doesn’t know how to treat him. Attempted to give him into trouble when it most certainly wasn’t needed. This man wanted my full attention 24/7.
But now I’m carrying his child, and all of a sudden he is interested. Demands photos of me, blames me for stealing his right to watch the journey of our baby grow, claims due to me deleting him on social media I am hiding something. The list is endless. He is constantly creating an argument and needs to know what I’m doing or who I am with ( which I won’t tell him ) as he doesn’t have a right.

So my main issue is, birth! What do I do? Because I honestly don’t want to be around the man. But I feel I couldn’t take the birth of our baby away from him. It’s a stress thinking that I’ll have to see him, and be around him.

OP’s posts: |
RamonaLark Wed 05-May-21 07:07:53

This story and timeline are a little confusing.

Ultimately, the birth needs to be a relaxed environment that you feel comfortable in. Don’t have anyone there who will impact that environment for your labour. It is genuinely what is best for your baby, which ideally would be the focus for both of you.

category12 Wed 05-May-21 07:15:58

You don't have to have him at the birth. It's not a right he has, and it's not about him. You need a birthing partner you can trust and who makes you feel safe, not him. He can come straight in after the birth to meet the baby if you're comfortable with that, but it's not a right he has, and it's a relatively new expectation that fathers are present at the birth.

If I were you, I'd stay well away from the guy and don't ever be tempted to take him back - he's awful to your son, therefore you need to be done with him.

EW123 Wed 05-May-21 07:25:53

Sorry it was all a bit mumble jumble, I was typing it late and just needed to get it all off my chest.
So it all came out like word vomit. It may seem a bit all over the place.
The bottom line and advice I was searching for is the birth, I just didn't want to be made out to be the bad person if I didn't allow him to the birth of our baby.

It's for certain there is not ever going to be w relationship!

Hes claimed he will be taking me to court if I don't allow it but I know there isn't such a thing.

Like you say it has to be stress free and I'm just not sure I could be in the same room as him without getting stressed 🙁

OP’s posts: |
romdowa Wed 05-May-21 07:32:38

If the midwives see that he is stressing you out during the birth then they will just ask him to leave anyway. I would bring a friend or a family member with me, you and the baby are the priority here. If he had wanted to attend the birth then he would have behaved better.

SarahBellam Wed 05-May-21 07:38:49

Dear God, he sounds deranged. Block him on everything, don’t put him on the birth certificate, and tell him about the baby AFTER it’s born and you’re home. Set up regular contact sessions with the baby and formalise access in court if you think it would be beneficial. Until the baby is born - your body, your choices.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Wed 05-May-21 07:44:22

Yes you can take the birth away from him. Its your body and you need to be comfortable. he is just trying to get back in because he has nowhere to live.
Stop worrying about the needs of this man and start concentrating on your own needs.

flashylamp Wed 05-May-21 07:52:23

So my main issue is, birth! What do I do? Because I honestly don’t want to be around the man. But I feel I couldn’t take the birth of our baby away from him.

This is not the main issue. It's a no brainier. You don't have him there. End of.

Your real issue is what happens going forward. Whatever you do, do not put his name on the birth certificate and give the child your surname. There are far too many posts on here, almost daily, from a mum who regrets doing one or both of these things.

LaBellina Wed 05-May-21 07:55:52

He sounds controlling and abusive.
You don’t owe ANYONE to be present at the birth of your child, it’s YOUR private medical event and you’re entitled to say who is in the room, 100%.

I wouldn’t even consider having him there if I were you and focus more on the thought if I’d even want him on the birth certificate.

category12 Wed 05-May-21 07:59:28

Don't worry about what he says - count on it, he's already badmouthing you like crazy. He's that kind of shit.

What matters is your truth and the people who matter won't believe his bullshit.

Don't be bullied into doing something that could potentially make your birth experience traumatic.

If I were you, I'd message calmly that unless he stops the threats and abusive contact, you will stop all contact with him and will let him know of the birth of the baby after the fact. And if he continues, do that.

He has no rights over you, none, and if you decide to share details of your pregnancy (your private medical information) he should be fucking grateful. Turn this round. He has zero rights at this point. Zero.

youvegottenminuteslynn Wed 05-May-21 12:34:30

category12

Don't worry about what he says - count on it, he's already badmouthing you like crazy. He's that kind of shit.

What matters is your truth and the people who matter won't believe his bullshit.

Don't be bullied into doing something that could potentially make your birth experience traumatic.

If I were you, I'd message calmly that unless he stops the threats and abusive contact, you will stop all contact with him and will let him know of the birth of the baby after the fact. And if he continues, do that.

He has no rights over you, none, and if you decide to share details of your pregnancy (your private medical information) he should be fucking grateful. Turn this round. He has zero rights at this point. Zero.


All of this.

And I hope your son has had some support for a strange man moving in, speaking to him like shit and then leaving again while his mum is pregnant and he's already got that big change to deal with.

Time to put the children first now and stop any communication that isn't necessary now or, later, about coparenting only.

EW123 Wed 05-May-21 12:59:24

My son has had plenty support, as I say I was with my ex for 5 years. He wasn't a strange man to him. But the more he got his feet under the table, and then eventually moved in his true colours came out and wasn't nice to my son. So he was sent packing.
My children come first, always have and always will.

Thanks for everyone's support and advice. It's been very helpful. I appreciate it all x

OP’s posts: |
denverRegina Wed 05-May-21 13:03:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EW123 Wed 05-May-21 13:33:46

I have either really mumble jumbled my first post or you have read it the wrong way. It started as an affair, yes! For a couple of months, then we was together for 4 years +.

Of course my children come first, hence why I am no longer with the man because he treated my son with zero respect and as soon as that happened as I say he was sent packing.

I had gel pregnant to him before I had saw his true colours. So yeah, it's unfortunate that I now am pregnant with someone who is a complete and utter arse but how was I to know? I don't have a crystal ball.

Yes, my question was the birth? Because it's also his child.

I was looking for advice, so if you don't have anything nice to say maybe keep it to yourself.
Doubting someone you don't know, a mother that is putting there kids first is not what this forum is for.

OP’s posts: |
tropicalwaterdiver Wed 05-May-21 13:52:45

OP, you are not married and even if you were married there is no automatic right for a father to be present at birth.
I am confused with your relationship timeline though... You were together for 5 years and he moved in with you for 6 days after you got pregnant?
Where did he live all this time?

EW123 Wed 05-May-21 14:00:53

Thank you for your advice.

He only just moved in because he was stuck living in the bought house he had with his ex wife. He couldn't get out of.

OP’s posts: |
England101 Wed 05-May-21 14:26:31

SarahBellam

Dear God, he sounds deranged. Block him on everything, don’t put him on the birth certificate, and tell him about the baby AFTER it’s born and you’re home. Set up regular contact sessions with the baby and formalise access in court if you think it would be beneficial. Until the baby is born - your body, your choices.

Agree he sounds deranged! But disagree with not putting the fathers name on the birth certificate. The birth certificate should be a statement of fact and include the names of biological mother and father as it ultimately belongs to the child and it’s not their fault that the OP chose a partner who clearly has issues. Plus if she doesn’t want him on the birth certificate I hope she doesn’t need his child support money either, why should he pay for child who’s mother won’t acknowledge him as the father

MsPavlichenko Wed 05-May-21 14:41:38

* England101*
He should pay CM for his child because it’s his responsibility regardless of whatever is put on birth certificate.

category12 Wed 05-May-21 14:50:29

The birth certificate should be a statement of fact and include the names of biological mother and father as it ultimately belongs to the child and it’s not their fault that the OP chose a partner who clearly has issues.

Nonsense. For a start, as they're unmarried, OP would need him to attend the registry office to put him on the birth certificate so if their relationship continues to deteriorate and his behaviour continues to be bullying, OP should not put his interests above her own. She would be silly to simply give him parental rights and responsibilities that would potentially allow him to interfere with their lives, stop her moving away from the area or whatever. If he wants parental rights and responsibilities he can go to court, but why just give him that power if he's already showing signs of being a bullying asshole?

A person barely uses or needs their birth certificate throughout their life and it is not vital nor unusual to not have the father on it.

England101 Wed 05-May-21 15:23:52

category12

*The birth certificate should be a statement of fact and include the names of biological mother and father as it ultimately belongs to the child and it’s not their fault that the OP chose a partner who clearly has issues.*

Nonsense. For a start, as they're unmarried, OP would need him to attend the registry office to put him on the birth certificate so if their relationship continues to deteriorate and his behaviour continues to be bullying, OP should not put his interests above her own. She would be silly to simply give him parental rights and responsibilities that would potentially allow him to interfere with their lives, stop her moving away from the area or whatever. If he wants parental rights and responsibilities he can go to court, but why just give him that power if he's already showing signs of being a bullying asshole?

A person barely uses or needs their birth certificate throughout their life and it is not vital nor unusual to not have the father on it.

1. As I previously said a birth certificate should be a statement of fact and belongs to the child.
2. You speak as though she made the child on her own. He appears to be an arse hole, but that was her choice. She needs to go the courts to finalise arrangements etc

category12 Wed 05-May-21 17:07:49

1. It doesn't require the father's name. Plenty do not. The child will still have a birth certificate and will still know who their parents are.

2. Of course she didn't make the child alone. Presumably she wasn't yet aware of how much of an arsehole he was when she got pregnant with their child. She doesn't need to go to court to finalise any arrangements as she automatically has parental responsibility and rights, and as along as he's a decent human being and stops trying to bully her, they should be able to come to reasonable agreements on their own without court intervention. But if he continues to be an arsehole, she would do better to leave him off the birth certificate so he has to apply for parental rights and responsibility rather than just handing it to him to be an arsehole with.

CheshireChat Wed 05-May-21 19:00:51

Personally I wouldn't put him on the BC. If he's interested, he can apply through the courts, but then he'll have to comply with other arrangements as well .

I'm currently in the irritating position that it's not suitable for me to take my ex to court, but because he won't do anything I'm stuck. And for example I can't take my kid on holiday abroad because I don't have his permission.

MsPavlichenko Thu 06-May-21 00:19:25

* England101*
Again. She doesn’t need to put him on BC. He needs to pay CM. His being an arsehole is his choice not OP’s.

DateXY Thu 06-May-21 09:14:53

Your poor poor son flowers Please start putting him first before men.

HoppingPavlova Thu 06-May-21 09:22:43

He doesn’t have any right to be there at the birth. He can threaten whatever he likes but has no rights at all with that. Don’t let him know when you go into labour and let the midwives know the situation, that if he turns up he is not to be allowed in (although if you don’t tell him, he won’t turn up).

I also wouldn’t bother to let him know about the birth until you are home and settled. Then advise him. Make it all on your terms as well, any visits short and sweet in a public place.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in