Would this bother you. Am I overreacting to this

(46 Posts)
bookworm20 Tue 04-May-21 11:38:22

DP has form for being a bit flirty. He is a chatty person, but at times I have let him know he seems to have been just a little too chatty with some women and its made me a bit uncomfortable.
I have also, in the past, clocked him having a look at good looking women when weve been out. Just a glance and thats fine. I'm not saying he can't look at anyone as long as its just a glance and not full on letching.

At the weekend we went out and I left him to put something in a bin and he was waiting by the door to a shop. A woman walks past, and he full on looked her up and down, turned his head to watch her as she passed him and then actually turned his whole body so he could continue looking at her.

He then seemed to remember me and looked over, but the whole thing just left me feeling really hurt. He was properly checking her out. He may as well been dribbling and panting like a bloody puppy. And I just felt a bit shit really. She was pretty, slim and probably 10 years younger than me.

he has told me in the past I am the only person for him, he could never look at another woman yadda yadda, which is obviously bullshit. I mean not like she was walking down the street in a bikini and heels or with flshing lights above her head and drawing attention to herself. I felt like I should apologise to her for my letching BF!

Am I totally over reacting to this or would anyone else feel pretty damn disrespected? We have had a few arguments lately, but who hasn't after being copped up because of covid. I just feel he either totally forgot I was there, thought I couldn't see him, or just didn't care.
And I'm also now thinking, if he's like this when I'm with him, what the hell is he like when I'm not?

After that incident, I did keep a bit of an eye on where he was looking and he also 'checked out' 3 other pretty, slim, younger women. Not in the same way but he did look a little longer than I would consider a casual glance in someones direction. One he did a second take at.

I have told him how I felt a bit hurt and disrespected by the first incident and that I'd clocked the others, and he does not seem sorry he hurt mu feelings, he just seems annoyed that I'm hurt by it.

Do I need to give my head a wobble or am I justified in feeling like this? I actually feel a bit betrayed I suppose. I'm aware that being cooped up for lockdown and desperately needing a haircut and feeling a bit crap about myself may be contributing to this.

I can't look at him today. All I keep seeing is his face following that woman and he clearly wasn't just admiring her handbag or thinking he'd like a game of scrabble with her.

OP’s posts: |
Fundays12 Tue 04-May-21 11:41:22

I would ignore it. He found her attractive but didn’t do anything about it. He looked and maybe was a bit leery which is embarrassing for him not you.

harknesswitch Tue 04-May-21 11:44:32

I'd find it all a bit disrespectful to you, and the women he's letching at

bookworm20 Tue 04-May-21 11:44:42

Actually yes, I did tell him he embarrassed himself aswell.

I told him I have had a couple of men in the past, clearly walking with a GF, look a little too long at me and all I thought of them was 'what a complete dickhead'.

OP’s posts: |
bookworm20 Tue 04-May-21 11:47:09

So I'm probably overreacting somewhat. As no, he didn't do anything about it. But what when I'm not there? I probably need to stop over thinking this!

I did also tell him if he does it again when we're out together, there will be no discussion from me. I will simply walk away.

OP’s posts: |
Jobsharenightmare Tue 04-May-21 11:50:12

None of my partners have ever behaved this way. I can't believe this goes on for you several times a day!

autumnalrain Tue 04-May-21 11:52:00

I’m torn on this one.

When attractive men or even beautiful women walk past (I’m heterosexual) sometimes I double take! I just like to admire their beauty. It’s not coming from a sleazy place.

However, if he’s not being discreet and is actually turning his whole body to look then that is quite disrespectful to you and most importantly the woman! I hate when men stare at me too long.

Sophistikatied Tue 04-May-21 11:56:21

YANBU, the fact that he turned his whole body is a bit grim. How old are these girls?

Cam2020 Tue 04-May-21 11:58:47

He probably wouldn't do anything else but look but I find the whole obvious leering thing pretty revolting and disrespectful. We've all noticed attractive people before but most well behaved people don't make it obvious - that would just embarrassing for everyone.

I also don't like the way he reacted to your feelings. He sounds like an arse.

cupoftea2021 Tue 04-May-21 11:59:43

It is human nature
Nothing wrong with finding another person attractive- I am sure you could look at a handsome man and think he is.
Not all male/ female friendships are suspect.
Having a male friend can be a insight to a man perspective.
It sounds like he is a people person where as you think No it's a threat or become jealous.
I find most men in relationships are very loyal and speak highly of the partner.
isnt life hard enough without looking to be annoyed by human nature.
He is annoyed because your focusing on something insignificant to him

Chamomileteaplease Tue 04-May-21 12:06:07

The women will think he is a letch. It is embarrassing and hurtful for you. It makes him look like a neanderthal.

I think this will make you lose respect for him. Especially as he won't stop even after you have asked him to.

TwinMum35 Tue 04-May-21 12:09:08

It’s the level of it that makes it so obvious and so disrespectful.

Everyone looks, but as you say it’s almost like he can’t control himself or worse he doesn’t even care x

FeistySheep Tue 04-May-21 12:10:27

I would not tolerate this in my relationship.
No, he can't help someone catching his eye - this is involuntary. But the voluntary aspect is continuing to look for more than say one second. That is then his choice. So involuntary brain says 'ooh check out that hot woman!' and then voluntary brain should kick in and say 'oh, but I can't look at her, as I have promised exclusivity to DP' and immediately look away.
I occasionally see a man and have a brief thought that 'that person is attractive' but then I immediately think 'but I choose not to look at them any longer because I am married and there is only one person I will look at in that way'.
I would view what your DP is doing as extremely low level cheating - cheating in his head. He hasn't acted on it with words or further actions, but he has acted on it by continuing to look at the person after the initial involuntary glance.
Your boundaries may be different to mine, and to anyone else's who posts here. You choose your boundaries, tell him what they are, and then don't let him get away with deviating. Sounds like you're talking about it with him anyway, so I would continue to make you're expectations known and then hold him to it.

NeedNewKnees Tue 04-May-21 12:11:39

What a letch! He's making himself look a right arse.

Lanique Tue 04-May-21 12:13:16

Very disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate this. I'm sure dh finds plenty of other women attractive but he has never behaved like this, not while I've been within eyeshot anyway!

TheWaif Tue 04-May-21 12:17:01

I think the problem is that he is unlikely to ever change, so really just need to decide whether to put up with it or not.

SpnBaby1967 Tue 04-May-21 12:18:57

I couldnt get worked up over him looking, but the full on letching is really quite disrespectful to you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 04-May-21 12:20:08

He’s being a disrespectful letch. Just as disrespectful to the women he’s leering at as it is to you.

Obviously we all notice attractive people but when you’re with someone (and actually even when you’re not!) it’s just gross to be so obvious about it.

You won’t change him, he obviously thinks that’s ok behaviour but if I were you - or the women he’s looking at - I’d find him repulsive.

Blanca87 Tue 04-May-21 12:21:28

Yuk what a letch not only did he make you uncomfortable but he probably made her feel uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with thinking someone is attractive but that is beyond the pale.

bookworm20 Tue 04-May-21 12:24:05

For me it was the definite turning to continue looking which hurt me. And made it disresectful. And yes to her too. They are not young girls, seem to be in the mid to late thirties.

I often overthink things, so was just wanting some perspective.

I think this will make you lose respect for him
This is true. And it did make me feel really crap. My self esteem is a little on the low side at the moment and I hate the thought I suppose of my DP lusting after someone else, especially when I'm bloody well right there.

I have no issue with noticing someone attractive. Most people do. Its the prolonged looking. And at the weekend it was so obvious, especially the first woman. It was that that made me notice the other 3 'incidents'.

And it also made me look at him like hes a bit of a letch. I always knew he was chatty and have no issue with that, as I said only a couple of occasions when I felt he was perhaps being a little too chatty for a little too long. Always with an attractive woman and he did stop when I pointed it out. If he really can't help himself though it will put me off him. This example at the weekend has certainly changed how I view him at the moment.

OP’s posts: |
Flowers500 Tue 04-May-21 12:25:10

If he’s not being subtle then he’s humiliating you in public and it’s not ok

bookworm20 Tue 04-May-21 12:27:33

The woman did not realise he was looking at her. Or she made no indication that she did.

I did want to yell out though, I'm so sorry for my letchy BF who was just dribbling over you.

Perhaps if it happens again so blatently, that is what I will do. And then calmly walk away and leave him to it.

OP’s posts: |
Starstruck2021 Tue 04-May-21 12:29:08

No he is making it really obvious so that you noticed and no doubt the poor women on the receiving end.

teddybears55 Tue 04-May-21 12:35:18

Yes this wld proper piss me off! I'd be hurt and a bit embarrassed if anyone one else noticed the man I'm with letching over other women.

Anydreamwilldo12 Tue 04-May-21 12:41:25

Totally disrespectful.
He's a creepy letch and will most likely turn into a dirty old letchy man. That type never change. Ughhhh!

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